Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

I think honestly even if they were your daughter’s own twin siblings five years older with no language issues etc there’s little chance they’d want to take her out with their friends without heavy parental pressure. Heck my friend was often forced by his parents to bring his younger sibling and that was only a one year age difference.

Add in the difference in personality, life experience, language gap and age gap and honesty I think you’re asking too much. Why not concentrate instead on building that solid relationship with them yourself, eg planning some nice dinners and your H ensures they turn up.

It would be nice if they included DD, but they haven't. I wouldn't ask them again, nor would I go away as 6 again.

I think you and your children just need to accept that they’re not going to bond with their step siblings and find ways for them to do what they want to.

Do you all usually live together?

I agree with others, the stepchildren aren't being incredibly rude. They are just 23 year old adults who are at completely different life stages than your dc's.
They don't have a step sibling bond , because they haven't grown up together.
It's fine to feel disappointed that the holiday isn't one you envisaged and it's a shame for you and your dd. But I don't think the adult step children have done anything wrong.

A five year age gap means naff all when you get beyond your late 20s early 30s, but at 18-23 it's pretty significant.

On another note, how lucky that your DH's children are multi-lingual.
I may be jealous was shit at languages at school.

PS the holiday sounds amazing

You'll be the first one to complain that your shy just turn 18 was thrown into a group of mid-20 yo and up to whatever they are up to at that age.

They’re 23. Leave them alone for Godsake. They don’t want to hang out with English speaking step brothers and sisters five years younger than they are.
These years kids are at peak selfishness. But even I don’t view that as particularly selfish activity. They’re on holiday and connecting with friends and people who speak the same language.

Have you posted about them before? Rings a bell, the new wife posting and complaining about her husband’s French children who’ve had to move in as their mum died. If I remember correctly that poster also made some questionable comments about the step daughters dating life. Seem to remember they got their arse handed to them in that thread.

You and your DH met & fell in love etc etc. But your respective DC didn't, and they don't have to. They didn't ask for their father to acquire another family - they have their own.

Just because their father has married someone doesn't mean they have to act as though you're family. They're adults, you are just their father's second wife.

Once you realise this, you'll be much happier & you might even get to know them.

I think it’s because they were adults when you got together (18), you’re not a mother figure, you’re their dad’s wife. Also why are his kids ‘twin adults’ but your 20 year old is a ‘child’?

You can't really tell adults how they should spend their time on holiday, or who they should hang out with.

I had a family event a couple of weeks ago. A lot of people.were.there, mostly older people, plus a couple of late teens. The teens sat down, stared round the room, looked bored, made absolutely no conversation and took pictures without asking......one took a picture of the table with all the decorations on it the moment they entered the room before even bothering to say hello to anybody. And various other pictures were being taken and fired off to god knows where. I remember thinking my god, you're sending pictures out onto whatever account and contributing precisely nothing to what is actually going on in the room. Years ago I used to get on with rhe younger people in the family having genuinely interesting conversations about their plans forfuture etc snd i felt s lot if goodwill towards them. But this last lot......so I've come ro rhe conclusion that maybe rhey just need ro be left alone ro mix with their peers and you just need to nit get hung up about it. Theres too much of a gulf.

What would I do? Well they’re 23 right? Don’t invite or pay for them again.

Can't assume OP could enforce that. Presumably she could refuse to go with them again, but there's nothing to suggest DH is reliant on her to pay for his DC.

I think it would be basic decent manners to include your dd at least once or twice considering you helped fund holiday

But from the twins perspective did their dad’s wife pay for them to go on holiday?

A couple marry late in life. They each have two adult children and go on holiday taking four extra adults with them.

Assuming they came into the marriage fairly equal, the twins wouldn’t think of their dad’s wife paying for them? They would surely assume their dad’s paid for himself and his kids and his wife paid for herself and her kids?

They wouldn’t assume the new wife paid for them unless OP was considerably more wealthy than their dad’s paid and they didn’t get these types of trips until the marriage

Why not be a parent and do things with your children that they want to do. Your step adults aren't glorified babysitters. From your post, I don't blame them for spending their time away from the situation. Good on them.

How much did you pay towards the trip OP?

Thry are adults having an,adults holiday they are not babysitters, but they are not robots where you can program them to be how you think they should act or do what you think they should do people don't work that way

They are a group of 6 adults who have gone on holiday together, why is there an expectation on two of the adults to do stuff with a third who they have nothing in common with? Why do they have different rules imposed on them? They are two separate families, not a blended one. If they paid themselves or their dad paid is irrelevant.

YABU. They're adults and can't be expected to want to stay for family dinners. We spend all summer in Italy and we barely see his 18yo niece.

Those talking about a 'free holiday'; Como aside, it's more than possible that OP's DH owns or has joint ownership of property down in the south. It's perfectly normal for a lot of Italian families to have access to shared property, especially given the inheritance rules. We have a house near the sea, bought by DH father. It belongs to the family; we can't sell it. The right to use it will pass to our son. Him using it himself as an older teen or adult is not a free holiday; it's his right.

All our friends down there stay in family-owned properties. It's not a holiday per se, more going down to stay in one's own home and visit family we don't see that often.

If they're staying with or visiting the DH family in the south, OP has absolutely no rights whatsoever to uninvite them. If anything, she and her DD are the invited guests.

It is probably not so fun for your DH children though especially with translating and they may feel like a large age gap too. I hope you can all enjoy the holiday though and it would be nice if they took DD under their wing but they are not obliged to.