Stepchildren being incredibly rude on holiday

[MaxiesHome]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. He has twin adults who are 23, I have 2 children 18 and 20. My DH is Italian, we decided this year to bring all our children to Italy. His children spent a substantial amount of their childhood in Italy, the rest in France with their French mother. We have been here for 2 weeks now, we spent the first week with his family down in the south of Italy and have been in the lake como area for the last week.

When we were down in the south with his family his children spent a lot of time out, either with old friends or their cousins etc. I brushed it off as them reconnecting with their childhood friends and didn’t see it as rude. Since we got to Lake Como though they have still not spent any real time with us. They have gone wakeboarding and didn’t think to invite my DD who would have enjoyed it, they’ve gone into Milan to meet up with friends, his DD has been on two dates with two different men. They just generally seem very disinterested in spending any time with us as a family, despite my DH and I paying all of the costs associated with the trip. My older DS is autistic and doesn’t really enjoy touristy activities, so I was hoping they would take my DD who’s 18 under their wing a little but they haven’t even tried to. I have suggested they take DD wakeboarding or into Milan as she would really enjoy this and doesn’t really enjoy doing everything with me and my DH as she isn’t a child anymore. I usually get a yeah yeah we will, then they go ahead and leave without her anyway. DH thinks it’s because they will want to relax and have fun with their friends, and that will be harder if they have to translate everything said to DD as she doesn’t speak Italian.
I think it’s really rude to consistently leave her out and more so not make any effort to join us for family meals.

AIBU to be angry with them? What would you do?

They're adults, I think your expectations are unreasonable. It's not their job to babysit your DD.

And I noticed OP said she and DH are paying for the costs associated with the trip, rather than paying for the holiday. Those things don't necessarily have the same meaning.

Why can’t you or your DH go wakeboarding with your DD? Why is it on your step kids to facilitate this?

@NoSuchThingAsAFreeHoliday I agree that they could’ve taken her DD although they may have been spectators. It isn’t a good fit for all middle-aged parents. I remember taking my children surfing a few years ago. We had an instructor but I just couldn’t do it.
The idea of me wakeboarding is laughable. 🤣

I think that there is just a miss-match of expectations.

Your step children clearly saw this trip as an opportunity to reconnect with family and friends. They are outgoing and they've been proactive and set up activities and meet-ups for themselves to reconnect with their Italian heritage and speak Italian. They want to do activities and go to clubs rather than organise sightseeing tours.

However your expectation seems to be that they would babysit your 18 year old and become a translation service on her behalf - despite them seemingly having little in common. You seem to judge the 20-somthings' activities - partying/2 dates/ drinking/ weed... but you want your DD to tag along? Why? Does your DD have a lot of wakeboarding experience or are you expecting them to be unpaid wakeboarding instructors as well as babysitters, interpreters, tour guides and entertainment staff.

Its just lucky for those twins that the OP and her partner met when they were young adults or they definitely would have been expected to do lots of heavy lifting on the childcare front on holiday, oh sorry did I say childcare, I meant being kind and inclusive.

Its basically two separate families going on holiday. No one would expect random 23 year olds to have to include an 18 year old who doesn’t speak their primary language in their outings. Fair enough for the DF to speak to them to ask them to come to one or two dinners - that’s only polite on a paid for holiday, but it’s really not on them to entertain the DD.

Why would you be angry with them? They’re adults and you’ve chosen to go on holiday with them and fund it. You can’t dictate what they do. It’s not their fault your DD doesn’t want to hang out with you!

Maybe let the adult children sort themselves out. Don’t go on holiday again.

This.

if They spent their summers in Italy either their parents / dad they are not seeing you as paying for this holiday, they are seeing it as their dad still. You are probably still the interloper in this holiday time to them. Literally nothing you have written is rude. Invite a friend for your daughter next time?

If they can’t give your daughter one day of their time I think it’s really selfish. She is 18 after all so they wouldn’t be baby sitting.

They arent deliberately being rude they have those own plans they really don't want your daughter tagging along

But they have arranged to see their Italian family and friends which is hard to do with someone who doesn't speak Italian. It's expecting a lot to have them constantly acting as interpreters into their 3rd language for her DD.

Book a wakeboarding introduction or lesson for your DD, don’t leave her to a couple of strangers who are not teacher. That’s an accident just waiting to happen.

Hope OP has learned something on this thread.

YANBU yous have funded most of trip,your daughter is 18 so not a child,his children sound spoilt and entitled in fairness,they would be soon told if they were mine,well I certainly wouldn't be funding trips at that age for them anyways,it wouldn't hurt to include your daughter even in the day time

I don't see the problem. They are back somewhere they spent a lot of time so want to catch up with old friends etc. They are young adults, who aren't probably mature enough to think in terms of you wanting quality time with them, because they probably think they get enough of that at home.

Maybe because mummy is asking it sounds like babysitting rather than the 18 year old asking to tag along.

I think maybe family holidays aren't needed. The twins are old enough to go off themselves on a holiday they choose. Your DD is now old enough to go with friends too.

Also thinking about it when it comes to people that you are close to but don't see much because of distance that time is extremely precious. I think even otherwise very decent people would be a bit selfish when it comes to prioritising this sort of time.

I don't personally fathom how nobody else understands your point of view, here. We all know it's nobodies "job or responsibility" to drag someone else's kids around. That isn't the point or what the OP is asking for.

What happened to biting your tongue and doing 1 single thing for someone else? Maybe a lot of these people don't have kids, or have never had their kids left out deliberately. I have, though, and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It doesn't matter how old you get, family is family and your trip has been paid for by mommy and daddy. They can do one thing out of your comfort zone to help include your step-sibling, atleast once or twice.

I'm American and have been to Europe 6 or so different times on work trips and worked with full blown Italians for 10+ years. Almost all of them know English or are learning it. They also love showing others their culture and do not ever mind translating for others who don't understand. I haven't met a single person who had an issue with me needing help, as I can understand the language as I hear it but I cannot speak it.

So while it's not anybodies job and they are adults, they are still kids being taken on a free holiday by their parents and should show a BIT of respect.

I don't think they are INCREDIBLY rude and I don't think you're being entitled by wanting them to include your daughter once or twice.

Being excluded hurts a lot worse than the very minor inconvenience having to translate a few sentences to someone and have them follow along with you.

I am also wondering how does DH view this? Have you told him WHY you are upset and did he make any effort to fix it by telling his kids to include their sister in 1 single activity on vacation?

Good grief, sorry you received so much back lash for this. 🥺

What you would do is irrelevant. Both OP and her husband are happy to fund all four adult children on holiday.

we don’t know if OP herself has paid for the twins - it may well have been their dad.

Given the twins were raised bouncing between these counties, it’s likely their parents have paid for a lot of travel over the years.

for OP she wants to twins to see this trip as different - not just the usual catch up with family and friends travel, but invest time in her and her children. That is usually a mistake - and so many women come in her complaining in laws and step families aren’t onboard with their vision of harmony and insta family.

I don’t like how OP was using money (and possible her husband’s money in relation to the twins) to try and control behavior. There seems to be no such controls on how her children behave or conditions on how they spend their time.

What an absolutely awful post.

These dual nationality Italians resident abroad are somehow doing Italian wrong because they're not like the ones you've met in a work environment or when visiting. They should be delighted to sacrifice some of their limited time with family, friends and the Italian half of their culture translating for English speakers. Obviously, their wishes don't need to be respected and they can be mithered repeatedly and placed in the awkward position of refusal because hey, they ought to be doing it anyway. You, as a person who wouldn't be doing the (trilingual) translating are clearly better qualified to decide what level of inconvenience it is than they are. Even OP herself gets that she was asking too much there!

They're also not being taken on a free holiday by their parents. They're having the costs of trip paid by one of their parents and a stepmother who they clearly don't have a close relationship with. And as Italian based posters have pointed out, the first half of the trip may well have included accommodation with the family anyway, ie something to which they're as entitled as DH and much more so than OP and her DC. Yet OP and her adult DC are apparently fine to have a lengthy free holiday doing whatever they like. Good grief indeed.

It's also pretty obvious how OPs DH views this, which as he's the person with the greater knowledge of the culture and understanding of what's being asked should tell you something.

visiting a country a handful of times does not make you an expert on the culture there!

I have visited America about ten times since childhood - I do not pretend to be an expert. I have visited France probably 30 times - again don’t pre tend to know it well!

Also you were likely in a different region, meeting people in a professional context with very different lifestyles and socio economic backgrounds than the twins in this example who appear to have grown up between three different cultures.

Also - their sister! Really! Their dad only met his wife five years ago and they have been married for two years! Her daughter isn’t their sister! She is their dad’s new wife’s daughter.

A woman their father married only 2 years ago and her child isn't their parent and she isn't their sister, just like they aren't OP's step children.

It may have been different if they had met when the twins were younger but they didn't so it is how it is.

And sorry just to add - you may have never even been to Italy as you only specify Europe!

And the ‘full blown’ Italians you have worked with are not a representation of the population. They are a representation of Italians of working age who work in your specific sector who have been selected to work with the Americans. Surely you understand that? Less than 20% of Italians are fluent English speakers and more than half speak no English at all.

I actually think this second and third language thing is irrelevant.

French is their first language so presumably when they’re together they’re speaking French primarily. Then Italian with their friends. Even if English was their first or second language they wouldn’t want to take someone along who doesn’t speak the language they’re planning on conversing in as it totally changes the dynamic of a conversation to have to translate, and is actually really rude to your DD - not inviting her is much more polite than speaking other languages without her.

I speak two languages but sometimes I can’t be bothered with a phone call to a friend in my second language as it is harder to chat in that language than my first language.

So even having to change the language they’re speaking between themselves because they’ve invited your DD along changes the dynamic and how easy it is for them to relax in my opinion.