To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

[AThingInDisguise]

DD in Y7. Our relationship is OK but I have to work at connection and have an eye on the teenage years ahead and wanting to keep channels wide open. She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things. She had a chatty evening yesterday and told me her friend has a date and asked me not to tell the mum, who I'm friends with. All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know but am rueful about betraying DD's trust. I am thinking I'll tell the mum, ask her to be careful with the info and have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets. I feel like she probably told me as she was a bit unsure herself what to do with the info and didn't feel right keeping it in. I'm seeing the mum later and won't have a chance to chat to DD first so wondering whether to wait and tell her over the weekend when I've chatted to DD. WWYD?

I'd keep my nose out of other people's business.

Your daughter will never tell you anything again.

They’re in Y7. They’re not going to be shagging in the bushes. A ‘date’ at that age is essentially just two kids going for an awkward walk and maybe holding hands at most. You really don’t need to worry about this and no, absolutely do not go calling the other girl’s mum.

It will get out that you were the one who made the phone call and every kid in the class will think that your DD can’t be trusted and it will fuck up her friendships badly. Your DD will then stop telling you things, so when something that really IS a concern happens (as opposed to the non-issue of two 11-year-olds going to the park) she’ll hide it from you.

You’re really overreacting here.

A friend of hers is going to the park. Thats all. No need for you to get involved.

Christ you don't need to be telling the other mum about her daughter who is in year 7 going for a walk with a boy in year 7. If the friend was planning to get picked up in a car by a 17 year old lad then yes tell her.

I can guarantee that if you do tell the other mum, it will 100% get back to your daughter that you were the one who told the mum about it.

My mum did this to me. I tell her the bare minimum now.

If you do, she will never tell you anything again.

Christ you don't need to be telling the other mum about her daughter who is year 7 going for a walk with a boy in year 7. If the friend was playing to get picked up in a car by a 17 year old lad then yes tell her.

Also this.

Lol seems pretty conclusive! Thanks. Must be nice to be so instantly sure of what is the right thing to do...I should change my username to 'overthinker'.

If you want your daughter to continue to trust you and feel comfortable sharing things in her life with you, do nothing. A date in Y7 is no more than you say, an innocent walk in the park or to town. However, the repercussions of you telling the other parent for your daughter could be huge at that age. Girls are, unfortunately, awful at that age and fall out and form toxic friendship groups where individuals get ostracised. Please don't do anything that will ruin your daughter's friendship with the other girl.

How toa make sure your DD never tells you anything else, ever again.

No. Don't tell her.

Yea don’t get involved, it’s two teens having a walk in the park! Don’t make it into something it’s not. Your DD will not be told things in the future and will be an outcaste and at that age she they will all fall out with her and it’ll be all your fault!

No, I don’t think there is any need to tell her Mum.

Your Daughter also won’t trust you if she can’t tell you something as small as that without you telling the Mum.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. If she was in danger or something then fair enough, but it’s literally a walk in the park.

Leave well alone!

if you want your DD to not tell you things go ahead

Do not tell the mum. This is a perfectly good secret and even if it wasn't you are going to have to throw your ideas about good and bad secrets out of the window. Your relationship with your DD is the TOP PRIORITY now. The only bad secret is one that prevents you taking steps to prevent urgent, imminent, and serious harm.

DD has given you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Don't blow it.

Christ OP come on now.

No wonder she doesn't want to tell you anything!

A young girl is going for a walk in a park with a young boy, and you want to tell the mum this nothing piece of information?

You're in for a tough few years if you think this is the sort of thing a parent must be informed about 😬

Absolutely not.
My daughter tells me a lot about friends that I don’t share with their parents. If I think it’s something that needs to be shared I discuss it with DD and explain why it needs to be shared. sometimes she even asks me to share something that she knows is bad.

It’s two kids going for a walk in the park, total non issue. Betraying DD’s trust when totally unnecessary is one sure fire way to end any open communication.

If your daughter had told you that it was a friend going on a date with a 17 year old, or two kids sneaking off with a bottle of vodka, then yeah you weigh it up and sometime you do need to break that trust but two kids going to the park is not that.

Well, I think we probably have the answer for why OP’s daughter stews over things for months before telling the OP.

If you tell, not only will DD not tell you anything about her friends again, she won't tell you when she has a "date".

Aw OP I know how easy it is to overthink this stuff, especially with all the (correct) child protection information about secrets etc. I'm glad you've decided to keep it to yourself. Secret dates are a bit of a rite of passage and it's so good your daughter told you, if anything more concerning ever pops up that you need to act on then she will be more likely to tell you.

YABU

Missed your message while furiously typing mine. I definitely don't instantly know what to do! However I think when they become teenagers/ go into secondary school you need a big switch to flip over in your brain which changes from 'it takes a village to raise a child' to 'my relationship with my teen is literally the only way I have of keeping them safe' and act accordingly. It's a transition for everyone!

I am thinking I'll ... have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets.

And what is the secret here? That DD's friend is going to the park after school, with someone from her year? Like hundreds of other Y7s across the country?

Is this a good secret or a bad secret? Unless the park is a known drug den and should be avoided there's nothing "bad" about it. If the friend is lying to her mum and claiming to be somewhere else, then that's "bad" but not panic worthy - and the sort of thing I'd encourage DD to say to her friend that it's ok to tell her mum (or at least to say meeting a friend if she doesn't want to call it a date).

If there's a reason that the friend can't say something as innocuous as "I'm going to the park after school" to her mum, then that's a reason not to pass the information on, and to encourage DD to be supportive.