To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

[AThingInDisguise]

DD in Y7. Our relationship is OK but I have to work at connection and have an eye on the teenage years ahead and wanting to keep channels wide open. She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things. She had a chatty evening yesterday and told me her friend has a date and asked me not to tell the mum, who I'm friends with. All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know but am rueful about betraying DD's trust. I am thinking I'll tell the mum, ask her to be careful with the info and have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets. I feel like she probably told me as she was a bit unsure herself what to do with the info and didn't feel right keeping it in. I'm seeing the mum later and won't have a chance to chat to DD first so wondering whether to wait and tell her over the weekend when I've chatted to DD. WWYD?

No I'd keep the secret. The lads same age. If she was year 7 and going with a lad in year 10 then I'd say something as that'd be very likely a problem but as they are same age it's fine.

We don't all have time to read pages of responses before replying to see if ours is already covered. No point getting shirty because most people have the same opinion which differs from yours.

If your daughter told you her friend Sophie was meeting Jack In the park after school would you still feel the same need to tell Sophie's mum? Or is it just because the word 'date' has been used? Essentially the kids are what, 11 or 12...... hardly likely to be doing anything unsavoury, holding hands will probably embarrass them🤣

No I would not tell the other mum. They're in year 7, fair enough of she was meeting a 16 year old. At the end of the day, telling your friend risks compromising your relationship with your daughter, if it was me I would be prioritising my relationship with my daughter.

Your job as a mother is to support your daughter, be her confidante and don't betray her trust. If you do this now, and she finds out, who is she going to go to when she has serious teenage problems to resolve. My mother would have kept stumm but advised me what she thought was the best way forward. The other girl obviously has a relationship with her own mother which has nothing to do with you. Not your circus, not your monkeys. I am surprised you are even considering betraying your daughters secret. Also, the other mother may not welcome the news coming from you and have a go at her daughter so you will have upset three women, your daughter, the other mother and your daughter's friend. Also, think if your daughter's friend then says to your daughter 'I told you a secret and you told your mum. You may even destroy their friendship. Foolish to tell. Wise to keep silent and listen. Use that filter between your brain and mouth.

If I had a dog and the time I might just find myself walking the dog in the park around the same time just to make sure she is indeed meeting a fellow 12 year old and not some middle aged bloke.

I had a very similar conversation with my (slightly older) DD about one of her friends. Would I tell her friend’s mum? And we had a pretty grown up conversation along the lines of “it depends what it is. If your friend is dealing drugs/being abused/in danger etc, then that’s not a secret I’d be happy to keep and I’d expect her mum to tell me too. But if she’s snogged a boy behind the bike sheds it had a sneaky nip of the cooking sherry, then no, I won’t “tell on her””. This walk in the park sounds very much like it falls into the latter category to me - I’d stay well out of it if you want to be able to have an open dialogue with your DD.

Perhaps her friend isn't even going on a walk, your daughter just wanted to know what you thought about a walk. Your reaction to her friend's walk will inform your daughter whether to share with you when your daughter is invited on any dates.

If you want to keep channels wide open during the teenage years, then I'd suggest you might need some perspective.

The two things teenagers hate the most is broken trust/ promises and interference in matters of the heart.

Focus on your relationship with your dd, and let others focus on theirs. If the other girl was meeting someone in their mid 20s at a local hotel, then you might have a point. But not this.

No, it's only a walk in the park. I wouldn't tell the mum and I wouldn't be bothered if a mum I was friends with didn't tell me similar. DS has told me a few things about his friends dating lives and I've just kept them to myself even when I know the mums.

Definitely don’t. If you betray her trust now she will never confide in you again. She needs to know she can talk to you safely in case in future there’s something serious. A year seven girl going for a walk in a park with a year seven boy in broad daylight is nothing to get stressed about.

I'm currently in the same position. I know that the DD of a good friend of mine has a boyfriend. My friend doesn't know. Her DD confided in mine and my DD told me. They are mid-teens. Am I going to tell my friend? Absolutely not. My DD trusted me and I'm not going to betray that trust.

Kindly, I don't think you should just shut down the conversation OP. Most would say that you are quite far off the mark here and it might be worth engaging to understand why you are overly concerned and how you can better establish the right boundaries with your daughter for the future.

Is this about you wanting to know if dd had met a year 7 boy at the park for a “date”? We live in a world that’s more controlled than when we were 11 (phone tracking etc) but secondary school aged kids still want the same things some space and privacy to have experiences like going on a date to the park after school.

If the boy was older then I’d be advising differently but ask dd how her friend’s date went. She will hopefully learn that you can be trusted with “secrets”

Honestly I get why you’d want to tell the mum as a mum to a DD who is the same age but just leave it. My DD is massive over sharer with me she tells me EVERYTHING about her and her friends. Sometimes I’m like seriously why are you telling me this but unless I think a child is in danger or something as a parent I’d want to know about my DD I just listen and nod lol!

Just commenting to reiterate this correct statement

It is an awkward situation, but I would absolutely not share what your daughter told you unless you are worried that the friend is any danger. Your daughter will find out and you will have broken her trust completely.

If it ever happens again you might want to ask a few more questions eg if the friend had met the boy in real life. Does she know him and if he is the same age? Emphasize that her safety is the priority.

I can’t imagine why she doesn’t tell you anything!

Keep your gob tightly shut. There is NOTHING unusual or morally wrong or harmful or dangerous in what the child is doing. You will destroy your daughter's friendship and she will never. ever. forgive you or forget this.

What a fucking busybody.

I understand worrying about the right thing to do but the bar for breaching your daughter's trust needs to be quite high, I don't think many people will think this meets it. The mum might already know about it.

I think you might want to explore with your dd why her friend feels the need to keep this from her own mum and have a general chat about when its ok to keep secrets and when not. Also worth gently pointing out that part of being safe is ensuring that people who care about you know where you are. But I absolutely would NOT tell other girls mum as yes your dd will never tell you anything again.

Please do not say anything. With children of this age especially DDs we are all becoming attuned to behaviour progressing from 'innocent' to 'cause for alarm'.
Wait until you have reason to be worried, by then your DD will also be concerned and you can respond accordingly.
But please NOT now.

OP, You might be Neurodiverse? I think this desire to share comes from wanting to be honest and open about everything and protect everyone's safety. Please don't shame yourself for having the thought of sharing this information. At the same time, sharing this will definitely distance your DD from you which you will probably regret.

But there really is nothing to do. What made you even think this was a situation needing to be managed by anyone, let alone you?

This ^
please don’t tell her mum anything
it would be a forever lesson for your DD that you couldn’t be trusted and believe me it would have a very long consequences. It lead to me not sharing things with my mum forever and she is in her 80s now so you get the picture.