To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

[AThingInDisguise]

DD in Y7. Our relationship is OK but I have to work at connection and have an eye on the teenage years ahead and wanting to keep channels wide open. She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things. She had a chatty evening yesterday and told me her friend has a date and asked me not to tell the mum, who I'm friends with. All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know but am rueful about betraying DD's trust. I am thinking I'll tell the mum, ask her to be careful with the info and have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets. I feel like she probably told me as she was a bit unsure herself what to do with the info and didn't feel right keeping it in. I'm seeing the mum later and won't have a chance to chat to DD first so wondering whether to wait and tell her over the weekend when I've chatted to DD. WWYD?

Absolutely do not if you want to keep a good relationship with your daughter, this is the start of her confiding in you don’t break her trust

Actually I wondered about government policies which could bring about change. But I agree with everything else you say!

Sounds like you are a sticky beak, who doesn’t respect their dd wishes.

She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things.

You’ve obviously got form…..she’ll never be able to trust you if you tell this mum.

Kids natter all the time, if she’s not telling you big stuff now you need to be working on that, prove you can be trusted.

Absolutely nothing to do with you!!!

Of course horrible things happen. Sometimes sexual exploitation happens on a date in the park. Mostly, it doesn't. Obviously if your kid tells you something that's a safeguarding issue you don't keep a secret whether you have promised to or not. You say, sorry, actually, we need to share this to keep X safe. But it you have blabbed every time you've heard the gossip you will never hear about the serious stuff because they won't tell you. I think if you work with exploited children you will be v sensitive to this but the car majority of walks with boys on the park will be just that (Op this is not aimed at you, I know you have taken this on board).

My post was not about the OP or the thread but about what someone else had posted about.
And generally you are talking tosh and clearly haven't parented teens. I do hope the OP didn't take what you say on board.

Nonsense. I have parented and taught teens. So I understand the difference between what one has to do professionally and what works best as a parent. Two different things.

My kids tell me stuff. 🤷

If your kids tell you stuff, that is great. Many kids of parents like me also tell their parents stuff.

Bottom line - kids will confide in parents if there is a connection and the child feels safe. If the parent says "i am worried about a girl of that age going for a "date" without her mother knowing - even the very fact that the mother doesn't know worries me - if it were you, i know you'd tell me - why isn't she telling her mother?" i can assure you that saying that and talking about telling the other mother is not going to cause the dd to shut down.

So your advice here is terrible, sorry. But I am very pleased for you and your kids that they tell you stuff, because it shows you have a connection with them and they feel safe with you.

Unless the date was with an adult man then stay out of it. Your loyalty is to your daughter and this was her hoping her mum could be a sounding board so she can talk about the weird feelings she’s having thinking about dates etc and wondering if she should be doing them too. Maybe it’s your daughter who has a date and wants to test the waters with you too.

Where did I say anything that contradicts your patronising 'bottom line' advice to me? If your kid insists you don't tell (and it's not obviously a safeguarding issue), you don't tell. That doesn't mean you can't discuss why the other kid doesn't want their parents to know or suggest they should tell their friend to share it with the parent, or follow up later about it or have any number of other conversations about it -- I never said it did. There isn't a perfect script, but what is sure and certain is that if your kid tells you something in confidence and you do the exact thing they have asked you not to do without discussing it with them first, you will damage the relationship. If your judgement tells you that a girl and boy going for a walk in the park is worth breaking that confidence over, I think your judgement is off quite honestly but that's a separate issue. I'm presuming you wouldn't just stomp all over your kid's wishes for such an innocuous reason without some more information.

@minuteur you’re catastrophising.

A girl is going for a walk with a boy.

No wonder teens can’t deal with the world these days if their parents are equating a walk with a boy to child trafficking 🙄

Thanks for sharing that with me. I think you are wrong, though.

It wasn't patronising - I think your "my kids tell me stuff shrug" was pretty patronising and I was explaining that the fact that your kids tell you stuff is not related to what I had said. If you read my post I have said OP should talk to her dd before talking to the other mother, so I have no idea why you are targetting me with your posts as you seem to be saying the same thing in principle.

The difference between us is probably going to be the judgement call about what to be concerned about and what not to be concerned about. this might reflect where you live or it might reflect that you are not aware of what social workers are dealing with in relation to this sort of thing or not as aware of changes in the last decade, i don't know

but otherwise i really have no idea why you responded to the post you responded to as it was a side topic and i'd be happier if you didn't direct any more posts in my direction

I am hiding thread now. I hope OP sees that there were a few posters with relevant experience who said something different from the majority.

I responded because you told the op she had received terrible advice, and then you told me personally I had given terrible advice. I do think that if what you come across professionally is upsetting - and I'm sorry if that's the case - your sensitivity level can be higher than is practical when parenting teenagers who are not in the same radius. I don't accept that I'm wrong and you're right as you suggest.

However, I think you're right that we have broadly the same approach and yes arguing about it is pointless and no doubt makes us both feel cross and defensive and write in a ruder/more patronising way than we would speak in real life. Times are too tricky to let an internet forum make you feel really shit so for my part, here's a flower emoji and let's agree to have a (slightly) different approach. 🌺

but otherwise i really have no idea why you responded to the post you responded to as it was a side topic and i'd be happier if you didn't direct any more posts in my direction

That’s a first. Telling a poster off for responding to a post! How do we know which of your posts we are allowed to respond to and which we aren’t @minuteur?

Year 7 is 10/11 years old, right? Is it normal not to know where your 11 year old daughter is or who she’s with??! I don’t have kids that age yet so maybe my expectations are out but that is horrifying to me! I understand about not betraying the daughter’s trust but if I was the other mother I’d want to know where my child was and that she was lying to me! I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have worried about this OP. I’m taken aback by the unanimous response.

Accidental duplication.