To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

[AThingInDisguise]

DD in Y7. Our relationship is OK but I have to work at connection and have an eye on the teenage years ahead and wanting to keep channels wide open. She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things. She had a chatty evening yesterday and told me her friend has a date and asked me not to tell the mum, who I'm friends with. All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know but am rueful about betraying DD's trust. I am thinking I'll tell the mum, ask her to be careful with the info and have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets. I feel like she probably told me as she was a bit unsure herself what to do with the info and didn't feel right keeping it in. I'm seeing the mum later and won't have a chance to chat to DD first so wondering whether to wait and tell her over the weekend when I've chatted to DD. WWYD?

There is an excellent book for navigating the years ahead OP called Untangled.

If you are an over thinker, and I tend to agree having read your OP, you should find it useful

You have no need to betray your daughter's trust.

Now is the time to build solid trust with your daughter. She’s 11 and proper teenage scrapes and hopefully near misses are on the horizon for her and her friends.

You need to keep your powder dry for when a genuine problem or worry comes along.

Don’t tell the mum. We don’t live in Afghanistan where a boy and girl can’t go to the park together.

You are risking your DD’s friendship (and by proxy the one with your friend) if you meddle in this. They will probably hold hands at most, they aren’t shagging or doing drugs. If you tell, your dd will stop telling you stuff and that’s the last thing that you want. Ask dd casually in a day or two how the date went. Hopefully that will reassure you that you did the right thing.

parenting teens is a minefield.

There is a balancing act between making sure your child knows they can tell you anything and getting them into trouble by passing on that info (meaning they then stop telling you!)

This info does not need to be passed on to the other mum. but it is a good chance to discuss safety with your daughter eg reinforcing that you should always tell someone where you are going etc and maybe encourage her to encourage her friend to tell her mum.
If she had revealed it was a 17 year old boy (which would need to be passed on to the mum) it is important to discuss with your daughter why that info cannot be kept secret so she understands why you need to betray her trust.

It is really hard to parent your child whilst still ensuring they are not scared to call you at 1am because they have snuck out to a party and are too drunk and scared!

I wouldn’t be overly concerned and I’m a classic over thinker. You could ask her what she thinks of the boy her friend is meeting, if she has any worries there’s her chance to let you know. Keep it casual though.

I still think it’s a good idea to have the good secrets and bad secrets chat but maybe as a separate and unconnected conversation.

You sound like a caring mum x

You have a lovely relationship with your DD. Trust is everything through teen years. 💞

I mean this kindly but it’s pretty obvious why your daughter doesn’t share with you, isn’t it?
Why would it even enter your head that this needed reporting back? I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an, almost, unanimous poll on MN.

Learn to step back before she tells you even less!

The ONLY time you should ever get involved in her friends business is if you think they may be seriously putting themselves in danger (meeting a stranger they've never met before, who could be anyone etc), and even then you should go about it correctly, talking to DD about why it is so dangerous and why you would need to intervene, then coming up with a way to do it together with minimal damage to anyone's relationships.

Never go behind her back as a first resort as it WILL get back to her and she won't ever trust you again.

You need to keep communication open.

This wasn’t a ‘bad secret’ or anything warranting having concerns for the friend’s safety or wellbeing.

Her friend isn’t planning on packing a bag and running away with this boy. She’s meeting him at the park and they’ll probably not even hold hands.

This isn’t some dark dirty secret. It’s a bit of exciting gossip that your daughter shared with you.

Do not say anything. You will break her trust.

In this instance I would stay out of it, especially as you are working on your relationship with your own dd - which is your priority. Definitely say nothing.

Ive got a daughter who im extremely close with and she tells me everything - usually just drama with friends and boys etc but on one occasion I had to go over her head - her friend was sniffing Deodorant through a towel in her bed room and my daughter told me. My daughter was begging me not to say anything as her friend would know she told me. I explained this could kill her friend and I rang the other mum instantly. My daughter was freaking out but understands now this could have killed her friend. The other mum was extremely grateful and I would hope someone would tell me if my child was in this type of danger.

Honestly a date with a boy her same age isn't something you need to break your own daughters trust with. If it was a grown man then that would be different of course.

There is absolutely no reason for you to share this

I do understand your discomfort about knowing something about your friends daughter that she doesn't know but I wouldn't share anything my DC told me about another child unless they were in a dangerous situation.

My son tells me things about his friends that I know he wouldn't tell me about him and we're pretty close. Silly little embarrassing things they do that he thinks is funny when it's about them but wouldn't want me to know about him iyswim.

100% do NOT betray your child’s trust.

Well only if you want your DD to know she can’t trust you with anything and never to tell you anything ever again.

They aren’t cooking meth and shooting up in the park, there’s nothing to report. Snout out.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you for navigating the teenage years is not to overreact. You are very much overreacting to this. Unless it's something illegal or dangerous then you do not get involved. The kind of reaction you should have to this is "oh how nice, hope she enjoys herself" and that's it.

My daughter's tell me all sorts about their friends, relationships, stuff that's happened at school and if they thought I was going to react badly, phone school, phone other parents I doubt they'd ever tell me anything.

When they start secondary you do have to take a huge step back, I don't involve myself in their friendships or fall outs.

All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know

Why do you feel the other mum "ought to know" that her DD is going for a walk in the park after school with a boy?
Is it because you feel you have a right to know about all the ins and outs of your own daughters life?

Do you give your DD privacy? Do you respect her right to privacy? To form relationships without your input? To meet boys her own age from school without you knowing?
If not, that might be why she is habitually secretive and doesn't tell you stuff.

You need to trust that you have brought her up right; with common sense and sound moral values; and trust her to make good choices.
Then you need to give her privacy and let her have her childish secrets.
That is how you keep a good relationship with teens.

Righto. Oof some of you are unkind. Thanks to those who have been empathetic. Checking out of this now the same answer over and over isn't helpful after a certain point but that's Mumsnet I guess!

100% this.

I have heard it all over the years as my DD is a sharer. Everything from friends of hers smoking, to having sex etc, some from quite a young age.

All I ever do is give her advice that she might want to share with her friends such as maybe she should talk to her mum, or the dangers of some drugs, or where to get free condoms etc. but I always keep it light and breezy. I would absolutely NEVER involve myself by calling their mums!

I don’t think anybody has been intentionally unkind. I think people are trying to help you with a bit of a reality check for the sake of a trusting relationship with your daughter.
The teenage years are so difficult to navigate - pick your battles 😀

Jeez I thought you were going to say a date with an 18 year old or something!
Nothing wrong with them having a date, she'll never trust you again if you go straight to the mum. Your priority is your relationship with your daughter, not the mum.

I remember I confided in my aunt once and let her read my diary.

Nothing major.

She told my mom and I never confided in her again.

Unless you have genuine safety concerns I would keep out. Or at least speak with your daughter, let her know you think this should be shared with the friends mom (and why) and agree together what you wish to do.

Tbf, you did choose to put it on the busiest, and most ‘vicious’ board. There are other boards that you might find helpful in future, if you find yourself doubting what to do over the next few years, like ‘pre teens’ and ‘teenagers’ which tend to be helpful and are a little ‘gentler’.

I wouldn't betray my daughters trust over a walk in the park of kids the same age. You do this and she won't tell you secrets in the future when there may actually be reason to intervene.