To pass on a secret my DD shared with me?

[AThingInDisguise]

DD in Y7. Our relationship is OK but I have to work at connection and have an eye on the teenage years ahead and wanting to keep channels wide open. She sometimes chatters and shares if she's in the mood but often real worries only emerge months after the event so I know she bottles things up and hides things. She had a chatty evening yesterday and told me her friend has a date and asked me not to tell the mum, who I'm friends with. All sounds dead innocent, a kid in the same year, just a walk in the park after school. I still feel that the mum ought to know but am rueful about betraying DD's trust. I am thinking I'll tell the mum, ask her to be careful with the info and have a chat to DD about good and bad secrets. I feel like she probably told me as she was a bit unsure herself what to do with the info and didn't feel right keeping it in. I'm seeing the mum later and won't have a chance to chat to DD first so wondering whether to wait and tell her over the weekend when I've chatted to DD. WWYD?

I don’t think it’s cut and dried, op, or that you’re overthinking exactly. It’s more that we’re now trying to parent in very challenging times and open lines of communication with our dc has had to become a much, much higher priority now than it was for past generations.

And, as you’re finding out, getting our dc to actually talk at this age isn’t straightforward. Teens are supposed to push us away, develop strong peer bonds and then move away from us. So as well as trying to protect them from some pretty scary social forces, we’re also trying to swim against the current.

The rules change fast too - a year ago, a word in the other DM’s ear might have been fine, and it still might be, but it’s one of those things that can u-turn sharply too.

Personally I think that it’s one more step away from the proverbial village, but it’s the times we live in.

‘Good and bad secrets’ are what you talk to a 5 yr old about. She’s not a baby.

As long as there is no real safeguarding issue, theres nothing to say. Hanging out with boys is going to be very normal.

You can’t tell because it would be obvious and you would lose your DD’s trust at such a tricky age.

This is the age that you need to start thinking differently as they become more independent. My friend thinks her yr 8 is really innocent but I know he has been kissing his gf as our children are friends. No way am I going to tell her and I’m sure she wouldn’t if it was the other way round. It’s up to the children what they share with parents and when they are ready.

@AThingInDisguise I'm amazed you even need to ask tbh.
If you want to foster a strong relationship with your DD then ofcourse you don't mention this. It's not like anyone is in danger!

I would only tell the mum if the daughter told me themselves.

Keep your DDs trust.

I know we are parents and adults, but when my teen tells me these things, I see it as an opportunity to have a chat about the topic.

I kept all sorts from my mum, and I saw all sorts as a teen. So I personally value the trust between me and my daughter. If your daughter told you something that sounded like grooming etc, or that breached safeguarding, then you can confront the mum, whilst telling DD that’s what you have to do. You can also find out if the mum knows through subtle questions.

@AThingInDisguise if your daughter had a date in the park which you didn't know about, you'd want to know, right? I would say on that basis the mother should be told, but you need to clear it with your dd first. Tell your dd that you'd want to know if it was her, because of safety and possible things going wrong and all sorts of other things, and say you think you need to let the mother know but talk to her about the possible consequences for your dd and come to some agreement about what to say, and talk about the possible consequences and how she'll handle it. You are then keeping your dd's trust and possibly making it easier for her to open up to you.

Then talk to your dd more about secrets, and about how if you know everything you can give really good support and advice.

The child trafficking in the UK, the children were not much older than this, and I can tell you that some year 7 boys are going to behave better than other year 7 boys. You had some terrible advice on this thread imo, albeit almost universally.

No way should you be breaking your daughter's trust like this!

Please take note!

This. It will also impact your daughter’s friendships.

They’re in Y7. They’re not going to be shagging in the bushes.

I would never make that assumption.
I have worked with too many families, especially over the last 4 years where this has happened. Very sadly it is more common than you think.
I'd say 10 years ago ,in my job, it was relatively uncommon.
Now, not only are kids shagging but sending nudes and sexting each other.
At this age children's services and the police do get involved.

Im certainly not saying this is happening, just don't assume , that it obviously won't happen

I have tried to make this point on a different thread and was told I was making it up. Can I just ask if there is any public info about this, and/or what your role is, social work or police or teacher or other? I was just talking anecdotally, listening to what dc say about how the kids behave at school and had no objective info to back up what i was saying.

What you need to be asking is why her friend hasn't told her mum she's going on a date?! This isn't a secret. Its choosing to have a private life. And sometimes we don't need to know everything about our daughter's lives. Being respectful of their space at that age by keeping a confidence so important.

You were told in confidence about someone else's love life.
Would you break this confidence and tell the someone else's friends/relations usually? Probably not.

What is different this time?
That the 'someone else' is young shouldn't make a difference unless you think this is really a safeguarding thing and the young person is making a dangerous connection of some kind. Is there any danger to the year 7?

Do you really think that your daughter is worried about her friend and needs your intervention? You know your daughter well - but in the post you didn't indicate anything that suggested this.

The effect of not telling?
The effect of telling? (I imagine it will make a difference to what you learn from your daughter about her own love-life/private matters.)

Shocked your consider priotising the other mum over your own daughter and breaking her trust, that would be such a shitty thing to do, for something so minor and really just for gossip,. If you wish to breach your daughters trust for no good reason then that child is going to hit 17 and run, and not look back.

i would feel awful if another parent told me that my child was going on a date and they hadn’t told me. you cannot tell the other mother something like this and then expect her not to say anything to her daughter. This will upset that parent’s relationship with their child, who will then be pissed off at her friend who will then DEFINITELY be livid with you. This has cock up written all over it.
Hard no.

minuteur
I work in Children's social care. My team does intense family support but also giving individual support to young people in that family who are going through serious issues or trauma.
I haven't got statistics,only my case load to look back on.

In our service we have a sexual exploitation team that does the initial ground work with cases like this and then I help deal with the aftermath, eg the emotions of knowing 'everone' has seen sexual images that a child has voluntary given, been talked about and ostracised by peers for shagging lads etc as well as any practical issues eg sexual health care, moving schools if needed etc.

The children are from all types of backgrounds eg single parents, both parents together, affluent middle class, deprived working class etc.

OP's post gives off a bit of a "gossip" vibe - like she somehow wants to involve herself in the drama (such as it is).

Respect your daughter's trust now, and she'll confide in you when it really matters. Violate her trust now, and you could be putting her in danger a few years down the road, when she doesn't tell you things she really should be telling you because she no longer trusts you.

This!!

Also if my year 7 child told me 2 friends were going on a ‘date’ (walk in the park after school) I would have literally forgotten about it within 5 minutes, it would just be unremarkable and irrelevant information to me 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. Sounds really shocking. Wonder what effective policies could be put in place to stop this.

Shocking that the vast majority of posts on this thread are giving advice which is enabling this.

This ^^

i only have experience of parenting two teenagers but DD (20) knows that anything she tells me is confidential so she still shares with me even though she’s an adult now.
99% of the time it’s been harmless until this summer, when she told me that a friend’s bf had started hitting her. He’d previously been verbally abusive but it had escalated. 😕

DD wanted my advice on how to help her friend and that’s when I said that her friend must tell her Mum. Or I could tell the Mum if she couldn’t face it as we know the family.

Thankfully she did tell her Mum, ditched the bf and is doing much better. So I agree with @HarbourClankCat , keep your powder dry for something serious.

I’d be baffled if a mother of my daughter’s friend contacted me to tell me that my daughter was going for a walk with a boy. Surely when they are in secondary school they are coming and going with friends all of the time.

*Wonder what effective policies could be put in place to stop this.

Shocking that the vast majority of posts on this thread are giving advice which is enabling this.
My advice would be to never promise to keep a secret. I would say' i promise to listen to you but if I think someone is going to be harmed I'll have to keep them safe'( or something similar)

My other advice to parents with children around this age is to always be curious. So many parents are busy with their own things they forget preteens need lots of emotional investment from their parents.
I wouldnt let my preteens have a smart phone and I'd been closely monitoring Internet usage as bare minimum.