Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

The only real issue is that he’s hungover IMO and even then that’s only a problem if he can’t shut up and power through.

Telling a grown adult that they aren’t allowed to stay out past a certain time is ridiculous behaviour - and having children at home shouldn’t come into it either.

You can’t give your DH a curfew, he’s an adult. you can state what you’d like (and any implications that might arise as a consequence), but you can’t decide what he can and can’t do. If he wants to go out, as long as he is able to manage his responsibilities the next morning, he is free to spend some leisure time as he wishes. And you should be given the same freedoms- if tries to place restrictions on your free time/stops you having any, then he is wrong too. And a hypocrite.

Having children does not mean you suddenly have to give up all social interactions/nights out/hobbies etc- I haven’t, nor has my DH. I go out with friends (including some late nights and night(s) away) and take part in my hobbies and have done since they were small. As did/does my DH, and I think it is really important that we both do so. It’s fine if you prefer to stay at home, of course, but that shouldn’t mandate your partner/spouse do the same. As long as you have equal opportunities to spend time as you please, and neither are spending money your household can’t afford on going out/hobbies etc, and your activities are not rendering you unable to carry out family responsibilities outwith your free time, then all is fine.

If any one of those criteria are not being met, you have a problem that needs addressed- e.g. doing the hobby/going out less frequently/spending less if it the cost that is the issue; ensuring the other partner does get their fair share of free time; getting back earlier/going out or doing your hobby every other week.

However, you say he is a good father, spends time with the children, works hard and pulls his weight with chores/household tasks. If this is true, then he must be picking up his share, even if he is out late.

if he is coming home pissed and waking you/the children up- he needs to address that. Yes, being absolutely rat-arsed every Friday night is probably not ideal, and I’d be asking him to cut back on that because it’s not great- but as long as he is able to get up when he needs to (I.e. not lying in bed with a hangover the next day) and safe to do what he needs to do (look after the kids, drive etc), then I think it’s harder to demand he does what you want, as you want all the time.

Binge-drinking once a week is alcoholism level whether ‘functional’ or not and whether you personally think it is ‘problematic’ or not. It simply is as a standard of health, individual wellbeing and relationship wellbeing.

If you think children are irrelevant when considering problematic alcohol use and alcoholism, then best of luck to you, your kids and your standards.

’Being allowed’ is not the issue here - that’s simplistic and infantilising. If your boundary is no problematic drinking for your children and your relationship then you’re within your rights to set that boundary. What the other person chooses to do in the face of that is their issue.

@Givemeguidance ask him to be in by midnight for the next few weeks on some small pretext (help settle baby into a routine, you can’t get to sleep if he’s not home yet). If he flies off the handle at a small request like that, you’ll have your answer about the drugs (especially if it’s coke).

Binge-drinking once a week is alcoholism level

No it isn't.

Thank you 🙏

I could be the problem here with all my sleepless nights and racing thoughts but this is very good advice and I will do. It's actually not untrue that the babies sleep has got worse.

I have also thought that I should arrange a night out together on the town to see if the behaviour is similar when we are only drinking. I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't tell if he's not just really drunk. When he gets in he's heightened, sniffling, slurring, wanting much more adventurous sex, then so sullen afterwards. But we never used to drink heavily together out and about.

Tell me you have an alcohol problem without telling me you have an alcohol problem.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

I'm not debating alcohol misuse with someone so uneducated.

Possibly selfish. Definitely foolish. But disrespectful?

Do you stay out until 3 am every week?

I go out a lot without DH, but I'm never out as late as that.

So he's coming in wasted and then expecting sex from you whilst you have a baby that still wakes in the night?

It does sound like he's taking coke, I'm afraid.

You definitely want to try and have a low key chat about it with him at a time when he's not high or hungover. No accusations, just asking him what he does and how he feels about it.

I think what you need to start doing is scheduling some time every week where you go somewhere, be it with friends or alone for a few hours while he minds the kids. I wouldn’t try to stop him from this night out but talk to him about how you feel when he stays out late after darts night.

Selfish and foolish behaviour that affects your family is always disrespectful.

He sounds grim after a night out. That is the issue, not the going out, but what he is like when he gets back in. Does he drive?

Thanks for the reply

He does drive but doesn't take the car on the Friday nights.

I hear some of the other people on here who say you have to accept people changing in relationships and let them grow .....but it's like a different person and opposite focus.

And I never would have knowingly chosen to commit to someone using drugs, or choosing to binge drink with a new crowd in the early hours. It's honestly not what I signed up for.

I feel like I'm no longer enough because I gave birth to the children and whereas I would have gone places with him in the evenings my hands are tied. So he's found a way to occupy himself and then drastically changes.

But then I still have the lovely, kind hearted, hard working version of him the majority of days who does help and is considerate (apart from the morning after). Which makes me doubt myself and if I'm being too quick to judge?

Is it possible for someone to get an addiction that creeps in just weekly a d it not be harmful?????

This is hard to hear but possible....Would he really draw my attention to the fact that people are doing it - but say he never would as he knows he'd risk loosing us - and then go ahead and do it anyway!

Could the sniffing, slurring, raging sex drive etc be a heavy drinking symptom at all or definitely coke?

Coke

So the exact things I'm noticing....slurred talking, stumbling, sniffing repeatedly, seems more intense, wants to engage in conversation, wants sex but more roughly - hasn't forced it but it's feels a bit different....
Yes whilst I have been in all evening and night with the little ones alone and with very interrupted sleep.

Yes all signs of coke use I’m afraid and definitely not drinking

have you noticed money being spent on these nights out as well

And I think by mentioning it he is placing hints there to see your response

but almost definitely Coke given what you have said

you Know this as well because you know the drunk him abd you know this is different

and he is literally showing textbook signs

I think it sounds like coke, sorry OP.

Even if it isn't coke I think fundamentally changing your lifestyle is not something you're entitled to do at any stage of a marriage. I can't imagine my fitness obsessed very hands-on DH suddenly behaving like this and it would upset me greatly.

You do need to address this and let him know he is jeopardising your family setup.

You poor thing, that sounds grim.

But can't you talk to the "nice, kind-hearted" version of him about it?

Money no because I don't see his bank account.
We have a joint one for the combined bills then a personal one each with a few hundred pounds remaining personal spending money.

Oh how awful - I appreciate being told straight. I'm not sure what the heck to do.
If he's already touched on the topic with me then lied.

I did have this awful underlying worry but I didn't open up immediately because I didn't want to have jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Op you are perfectly entitled to feel like this isn’t what you signed up to. Let’s face it if he’d turned up like this a few dates in - drunk, slurring, likely coked off his head trying to initiate tough sex - what would have happened? You’d have never married him I bet! Certainly not thought oh look there is the future father of my children.

I really think you need to be brave and talk to him about it on a non drinking/drug day. Can you arrange a date night? Would he ever give up the Friday night for you? If not that’s a problem in itself.

Are his parents/your parents nearby? They must have noticed this charge too though I imagine they of course don’t don’t the half of it and the state he comes home in.

It’s really not ok though. Just because he’s an ok dad some of the week doesn’t mean he gets to stay out till 3am every Friday and come home hyped up trying to get tough sex and talk your head off in his drugged up state. You must be shattered and so drained by it all. Think if it was a close friend disclosing this to you. If it’s drugs (which is sounds like as blind drunk isn’t hyper) then the sooner he stops or gets help the better.

Coke

Fuck me. I think you need to open your eyes @Givemeguidance
He’s going back to someone’s house after the darts and some of these people take drugs.
He then comes in at 3am as you describe, when he knows you’ve been on your own with the babies and wants rough sex.
Come on, you know what’s happening here