Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

Being blunt here but I reckon he's 100% taking coke.

Its very important for fathers of very young children to get rat arsed on a regular basis, don't you know - weirdly society doesn't feel quite the same about mothers

I think once a week is a bit frequent considering your circumstances, especially because if he's drinking he'll be hungover a half useless the next day. Do you feel you need his help when he's gone or can you manage? I wouldn't mind him going if it wasn't putting an unreasonable burden on me but I do think when you have 2 under 2 it's pretty intense and you have to make sacrifices.

Maybe ask him to take the children once a week so you can have some time to do something you enjoy to make it fair. He might reconsider how frequently he goes out when he's having to repay the favour!

Once I was over 40 I couldn't find any friends that would stay out past midnight with me. Are his friends younger?

😂 you’re right. I live in the sticks. Pubs close at closing time!

Get a babysitter and go with him.

This isn’t about control. It’s about unfairness. He can choose what he wants to do. The tasks associated with being a good father are also what he chooses to do. Meanwhile, women are expected to compromise. It’s unfair that women are held to a higher standard of understanding. He has the freedom to go out and come home late at night, but women don’t have the same level of freedom. That’s unfair. When women finally speak up about this, it’s labeled as controlling.

He's out one night a week. OP can choose to do as she pleases any other night.

I'm not saying he's bad. I just don't agree with OP's complaint being labeled as controlling.

Getting drunk til the early hours every week when you have two young kids at home.

What ISN'T disrespectful about that?

There’s absolutely nothing disrespectful about it as long as it’s agreed in advance.

They do have the same level of freedom it’s just that too many of them don’t use it, then complain that they’re exhausted or burnt out or lonely.

Sure you can. The children do. Why us she the default parent?

Oh, also: 💯 percent doing coke.

Then the issue there is that you have a shit partner who isn’t taking on their share of parenting and drudgery.

However I see way too many threads on here from
women who blatantly don’t trust their partners to parent or who do housework and then wonder why they end up burnt out and frustrated.

She’s not the default parent 🙄 he’s out one night a week and home the other six.

Theres nothing stopping her from going out herself and there’s also no reason to be home at a set time just because you have children.

This is the nub of the problem, isn't it. Coming home at 3am, possibly waking op/baby, and hungover and useless the next day - you don't want to be dealing with that once a week.

Also if his mates are smoking these "recreational drugs" then he will be getting a dose too from passive smoking.

Your standards are on the floor if you think it's OK for a father of young kids to binge drink every week.

Don’t be ridiculous.
I go out once a week with my friends (sometimes twice if there’s a special occasion) and we have been known to drink a fair bit of wine.
Are you suggesting my DH’s standards are ‘through the floor?

The shift in behaviour is the issue here.

My husband goes out once a week to play football. Often starts at 7 or 8 for an hour, then an hour or two at the pub afterwards having a couple of pints. Then train home (doesn't drive because of alcohol) which has some slightly dodgy connections, and he sometimes isn't home until after midnight.

I'm not accusing him of 'behaving like a single man' and sometimes wished he made the effort to socialise more! Though admittedly our only child is 6, and I have time out of the house myself with him looking after our child, no issues.

The issue is the shift in behaviour and whether or not it is having an impact on you.

If you're drinking problematically (which weekly binge-drinking is) then yes.

OP's H is doing this weekly, coming in at 3am, hungover and moody the next day and has two young kids at home.

100% a problem and her H is 100% unreasonable.

Yeah I mean there is such a thing as working on relationships. Marriage and relstionship counsellors wouldn't exist if it wasnt possible to sometimes mend relationships..I was in a marriage where I was unhappy and left 5 years later than I should have done, so I do know about the downside. However, sometimes I think people give up when with a bit of tweaking and support they could have mended the glitches..I know at least two couples who went through really bad patches but pulled through and are now really settled again and happy..But yes....its sort of all on a case by case basis isn't it.

Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean their “standards are on the floor”.

Going out of the your mates once a week is healthy and IMO more women should do it rather than feel
obliged to stay home on the sofa every night.

This had crossed my mind I didn't know if I was overthinking...
He made an offhand comment about being offered it a couple of months ago on one of the Fridays but said of course he didn't because he's absolutely not that person.

If this is the truth then it was decent of him to tell me but instead it's spiralling worries in my mind when he's gone.

And now the behaviour seems so different. He comes in very heightened in and then so moody the next morning. And yes I am awake because of the baby and then I can't get back to sleep for worrying.

I don't want to be someone who dictates their other Half's social life. I don't want to be controlling. But it's such a shame the hobby seems aligned with people doing this - because rightly or wrongly I can't control my worries about it.

I know it's about trust but I can't understand him wanting to be round people doing this.

Also having the little ones I feel still so nurturing and like all I want is to protect and be protected in my little family unit most of the time. But we seem to be on a different page whether it's drugs or just getting blind drunk....

It's hurtful even if I'm wrong about it. I understand having time apart and hobbies, but i just wouldn't be like it myself even if I was given a full night's freedom. I have no idea if it's something to wait and see how it pans out or to try and raise concerns again.

And I'm entitled to an opinion on someone's standards.

You keep bringing it back to 'going out with your mates' which is seriously minimising the issue and making it too simplistic. Not once have I said it's unreasonable to go out with your friends once a week.

What I have said is unreasonable and accepting low standards is binge-drinking, coming in at 3am and being hungover the following day every week, when you have two young children at home.

Stop taking the one element of 'seeing your mates' and pretending that's all it boils down to.