Giving my inheritance to my mother?

[saak952]

My parents divorced when I was a kid, mum remarried. I’m in my late twenties now, have a husband, a baby, dog, mortgage and stable job. Recently my biological father passed away, I’m one of his four children, so got a quarter of the estate (under 70k). My mum is of Asian origin, she still takes care financially of grandma who lives in her country of origin, so my mentality is kinda east-influenced.
In the divorce between my parents, my mum did not get half of their joint assets, it was a joint verbal agreement which my father didn’t really uphold. And she didn’t want to fight for my financial support I guess or didn’t know any better. Or didn’t want to go to court. Then she met my stepdad so maybe she felt financially more stable but still kept reiterating how she’s raised me single handed and educated me, put me on my feet etc. She’s worked all her life in a skilled job anyway. (Just for some background).
In the inheritance process, she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf because i was quite pregnant at the time and then recovering from c-section and baby obviously. During this process she’s made it clear how much of an emotional baggage it is for her, having to go back to the old house (once), etc, reminiscing her first marriage, etc, how she could have gotten half of everything etc etc. basically I’ve been listening to it every week for the past year and bit. While postpartum.
Anyway, now everything is close to being sold and settled. my mother is going to be retiring in the next couple years. Even though she and stepdad are way more well off than dh and I, like our joint salary is one of theirs (similar fields but less experience)… I’m thinking - shall I just let her have this inheritance of mine? Have I gone loopy from hormones? All this chat about her being short changed by my father, and how she paid for my private school and uni etc…
And the background vibes of supporting elderly parents, if I give it up now, I won’t feel obligated in the future and can have a ‘free’ conscience. Am I making sense to anyone?
Also for some background/perspective - the largest financial gift from mum and stepdad as an adult was 1k for the birth of my baby, they didn’t bankroll our house or anything.
The 70k inheritance could pay a chunk of our mortgage though.

being unreasonable - yeah I’ve gone loopy.
not being unreasonable - gift her the money

Sorry, I think you aren't thinking clearly. Can you get some space away from your dm to think it through.

It sounds like your dm was treated unfairly during the divorce, but that isn't your issue to remedy. It sounds like she's better off than you are, and your primary responsibility is to provide for your dc.

I don't for a second think that, if you handed you money over, it would actually stop any future obligation. Things never seem to work that way.

Your a kind daughter, but its daft to give it to her if it means you paying inheritance tax on it if it comes back to you a second time

I think I'd offer up something but not the full £70k money should flow down not up
You also have two kids to consider

Edit when I say something im thinking £5-7k or enough for her to have a holiday

The wealth of the boomer generation is way beyond ours. Retirement will be tough for our generation, I’d keep for you and your kids.

I understand that i might be compromising the finances of my own family for her gain, which is kinda true. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want any obligation later on, i already obviously feel obliged for financial decisions which weren’t mine (private school eg), so it’s likely I’m pretty brainwashed already. On the other hand, dh and I can theoretically earn more in the future, and we didn’t really rely on this chunk of money while planning our futures.

You’re a parent now. Your responsibility lies with your own child. Start a pension/investment for your baby if you don’t want to keep it yourself!

What does your DH think? Because you are between two worlds. Kids care for parents (East) and parents care for kids (West). Yes, people commenting I know that is incredibly facile.

I’d give a token gift, but not the whole inheritance.

Thank you for your answers, I have some time still to think
i live quite far from her but obviously the weekly phone call is enough
true about the inheritance tax later on, but seems more like a drop in the ocean tbh

So you and your husband together earn as much as your mother and yet you think you should give her your inheritance from your father? That's absolutely ridiculous. Don't even think about it. Your mother clearly has a PhD in guilt tripping. You need to recognise she's worked hard for that qualification and will try to use it whenever she can. Don't let her have any of your money.

absolutely not.

Dh is a similar background, he’s too self conscious to voice opinion since it’s ‘my’ money/ I know it’s joint marital asset. He just said we could pay the mortgage because it’s higher rate than any savings account, so makes most sense.

No do not give her your inheritance. DO NOT DO IT. It’s yours. If you really have to give her a small give for example £1000 but keep the rest.

If you want to thank her for helping you out when you were pregnant, buy her a bunch of flowers and a bottle of champagne or something. She's got inside your head, it's a mum's job to do all they can for their children, not to hold it over their heads for evermore. It's not your job to compensate her for getting divorced.

Yeah, sad but true. I think if I switched industries I could earn as much as she does in a couple years if not immediately if I’m smart about the job move. That’s my plan for later when baby’s in reception. Anyway, thank you for your answer

Why do you think you have to make up for your father's lack?

You say your mom and your stepdad are better off than you, yet they haven't really helped you out much beyond what was parental duty. You are raising young kids and you might have need for that money at some point. What if you or your kids need private health care? Get financial advice. Your generation has different and far worse economic prospects than hers.

As for the expectations of filial piety, giving your inheritance away to her will not free you from those expectations. If you gift her your entire inheritance, she's still going to have those expectations and expect you to do more.

Lock the inheritance away for your child, put it in a long term deposit or premium bond account and do not touch it for a year.

That money is for you and your child, your mum has enough for her needs. Think about clearing your debts, saving for university and 1st flat for your child.

Think about this is 12 months. If after that time you’d like to gift it to your mother, take another 12 months … sorry for your loss.

Sounds like the FOG - fear obligation and guilt.

As a pp has said, she’s got inside your head, making you feel indebted for her doing the normal job of a parent.

Yes, she may have got screwed in the divorce, and yes your Dad may not have done his bit to raise you. But it doesn’t mean you owe her your inheritance. That is for you and your children’s future.

I know right… like my head knows but it’s that niggly feeling.
maybe it’s fear of death or grief manifesting weird idk..
when I’ve become a mum, now I don’t think my kid would even know how much private school is.. none of their little head’s concern. It’s the parent decision ultimately. As a kid I felt in-debt-ted! Like every syllable of it. Might be a parenting technique to get good grades but that was happening anyway

It's not your fault things turned out the way they did with her divorce. It wasn't your decision to send you to private school. If her and your step-dad have a higher income than you and your DH why do they need the money? It sounds like it could really benefit you and your family but your mum doesn't need it at all!
Plus, you are absolutely dreaming if you think you will be paying your way out of any future help/care!

Yabu. That money is intended for you not your mum. Whilst I agree she did not get her fair share in the divorce, she's well off financially now and whatever grievance she has about it remains (and should always remain) between her and your Dad. It is not your job to make up for it. If you are opposed to using your inheritance from him, leave it in trust for your children to benefit from when they are adults.

Please don’t give it to her.
A reasonable person with a household income double yours would not ever suggest this. It seems to me that your mother has some issues she needs to make peace with. Asking you to recompense her for her choices when you were a child is, to me, outrageous.

Take time, get some space. Maybe think about guilt and why you think you owe your mum anything (can you imagine asking your child/children for money)?

Your mum made her choice. She could have taken more if she wanted to fight for it.

This is you inheritance from your dad. I’m sorry that he’s died and I’m worried your grief and hormones are influencing this decision. But that money is from your dad to you. If you gift it to anyone it should be your children.

Of you want them to have a private education you could put it in trust for them to cover that.

Buy her a nice thank you present for helping you with the inheritance, but please don't reward her guilt-tripping behavior by giving her your inheritance!

Thank you for your comments. Phone is going out of battery, and bedtime for us so I’ll reply to more in the morning.
private healthcare - got insurance for us both. Got life insurance for me until baby’s 25.

a comment about how my fathers wrongs are my concern and why is that - honestly because I’m half of him, I’m like his living reminder for her. Messed up yes. I’ve heard it all my life honestly. She always says YOUR dad, your your. Only postpartum I’ve realised like what wait, YOUR ex! That you married you divorced you chose, I had no choice in any of this.
sorry rant

She’s not openly asking atm
thank you for your comment still