Giving my inheritance to my mother?

[saak952]

My parents divorced when I was a kid, mum remarried. I’m in my late twenties now, have a husband, a baby, dog, mortgage and stable job. Recently my biological father passed away, I’m one of his four children, so got a quarter of the estate (under 70k). My mum is of Asian origin, she still takes care financially of grandma who lives in her country of origin, so my mentality is kinda east-influenced.
In the divorce between my parents, my mum did not get half of their joint assets, it was a joint verbal agreement which my father didn’t really uphold. And she didn’t want to fight for my financial support I guess or didn’t know any better. Or didn’t want to go to court. Then she met my stepdad so maybe she felt financially more stable but still kept reiterating how she’s raised me single handed and educated me, put me on my feet etc. She’s worked all her life in a skilled job anyway. (Just for some background).
In the inheritance process, she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf because i was quite pregnant at the time and then recovering from c-section and baby obviously. During this process she’s made it clear how much of an emotional baggage it is for her, having to go back to the old house (once), etc, reminiscing her first marriage, etc, how she could have gotten half of everything etc etc. basically I’ve been listening to it every week for the past year and bit. While postpartum.
Anyway, now everything is close to being sold and settled. my mother is going to be retiring in the next couple years. Even though she and stepdad are way more well off than dh and I, like our joint salary is one of theirs (similar fields but less experience)… I’m thinking - shall I just let her have this inheritance of mine? Have I gone loopy from hormones? All this chat about her being short changed by my father, and how she paid for my private school and uni etc…
And the background vibes of supporting elderly parents, if I give it up now, I won’t feel obligated in the future and can have a ‘free’ conscience. Am I making sense to anyone?
Also for some background/perspective - the largest financial gift from mum and stepdad as an adult was 1k for the birth of my baby, they didn’t bankroll our house or anything.
The 70k inheritance could pay a chunk of our mortgage though.

being unreasonable - yeah I’ve gone loopy.
not being unreasonable - gift her the money

No you def should not give your Mum your money and it’s shocking how she’s guilt tripped you when you’re vulnerable to think like this!
Its awful that she didn’t get a fair divorce deal but why should you pay for that, are your siblings going to give up their money too?

Op you don't want to give away your inheritance, do you? You have made it quite clear in your op that you are feeling pressurised into doing so by your mum going on about everything she has done for you and how unfairly she has been treated. And maybe it's both true. Maybe your mum was treated unfairly and maybe she did a lot for you and also maybe you don't really want to share your inheritance. My point is either way it's ok. You don't have to share your inheritance and you can still appreciate what your mum did for you. And you can still get annoyed when she you feel she is emotionally blackmailing you.

Like a pp said maybe give her some of it if it makes you feel better.

OP your DM is manipulating you. Please do not give her any money. Buy her a gift if you want. But really it doesn’t matter what you give her it will not stop her from the guilt tripping, in fact it will make it worse.

Though it was kind of your Mother to help you with probate etc, it sounds as though she has taken full advantage of the situation to attempt to guilt trip and manipulate you so that she might benefit.

A good idea would be to give her a nice piece of jewellery as a thank you gift for all her recent help to you, but let that be all.
Do not give her your inheritance!!

Use the inheritance to improve your own and your child's life, as your Father would have wanted, perhaps some to the mortgage or in savings for school fees, or savings for a rainy day, you can work that out after some thought.
If you were close to your Dad but don't have any mementos from him, perhaps buy yourself something?

Have a look at the voting results, and be guided by them!

If you offered some of this money to your Mum surely she would refuse it.

Don't do it. All your mum's estate including this money could just pass to your stepfather. Put your children first. Your mum's got plenty.

I am also from eastern culture. I would say your inheritance has nothing to with your mother, plus she is in a stable financial position. Your father didn’t give her what he verbally promised, maybe he had his reasons to change his mind. In any case, it’s not fair your mum is talking about money your father was supposed to pay her when you just had a child and recently lost your dad.
Also your mum choose to send you to private school, you as a child had no say in it. Does she think she has done an award winning favour to you by giving you decent childhood with opportunities? Tell your mum to stop making you feel guilty and act so self centred when you are going a lot.

Problem with cultures like ours is while children are expecting to be nice and caring towards parents, parents are allowed to unkind, controlling and manipulative towards children.

Use 70k towards mortgage and some savings for your child or whatever you fancy doing with it.

i already obviously feel obliged for financial decisions which weren’t mine (private school eg), so it’s likely I’m pretty brainwashed already.

yes she has brainwashed and guilt tripped you. You are not responsible for financial decisions she took when you were a child. Do you really think it’s right? Now that you have your own child, would you hold them responsible or make them pay for any financial decisions you make now?

You owe it to yourself and your little family to keep it. You need it more than your DM and it’s rightfully yours.

You haven’t given the full family set up, but when she dies it’s likely that your Mum’s money will first go to your step-dad. It’s then up to him if it all goes to his own biological family or if any comes to you.

I would pay 60 off your mortgage & put 10k in a rainy-day fund.

Just remember that theoretical earnings are just that. Things happen - accidents and ill health and unexpected financial demands and external economic and social events - which are out of your control. You did not choose to have money spent on you. I agree with a PP - give her £6k . She's not destitute after all and if you look at it like she's basically trying to steal from her grandchildren then I think you'll succeed in quelling the guilt.

You said you have siblings, have you discussed what they are going to do with their inheritance? I don’t believe for one minute you should give your mum 70k but I certainly wouldn’t be doing that if you are the only child who does.

I was in a similar situation once, except in my case the inheritance was £20k. My mum made it clear that she considered the money should be paid to her. But my parents had a mortgage free house and I didn’t own a house. I used most of the £20k as deposit on a house and gave my mum £2k to buy something nice for herself.

I was also in your position many years ago. Take it from me, even if you do pass on the full amount of the money, you will still have conversations in the future about YOUR father. You will still have obligations (or guilt) around the expectations of looking after your elders.

If it was me, I'd probably put half on the mortgage and put half into a managed share fund, maybe with the idea of that helping with future school or university fees. Mortgage interest is still lower than what that money would earn in the next ten years in a high growth fund. So, while my heart says put it all on the mortgage, I know the maths says share fund.

If you are managing the mortgage payments now, continue to pay them at the same rate, don't reduce them due to the lump sum and you'll end up with the mortgage paid off ahead of schedule and a decent share fund for future needs.

The way I see it is, your child is your biggest priority now - not your mum.

The 70k could benefit both you and your child as in buying a better property or just having more money for trips/holidays/etc.

I would keep the money and buy your mum a gift to say thank you for the help.

But she doesn't need the money, You do. She's using emotional blackmail on you. You have no idea what may happen in the future so you cannot assume that you will definitely earn more in the future.

I was screwed over financially by my ex-husband but I certainly wouldn't expect my children to give me any inheritance that they receive from him. If your mum has always worked in a skilled job, I presume that she is intelligent and capable so it was her choice not to fight for a fair settlement from your father.

Morning, thanks for your replies, all
about the divorce - this was like 25 years ago. And all the inheritance is assets from marriage to my mum. The 25 years he spent money on raising his new three kids. Maybe switched up a car or two in the process

Ultimately you need to do whatever will give give you and your DH/DC most comfort. Paying off a chunk of the mortgage, having a little more savings buffer, maybe having funds for a memorable holiday, whatever … but it’s your money, your choice.
Also your mother’s shudda/wudda/cudda about the divorce isn’t your issue - nor is how she chose to fund schools or clubs. You don’t owe her financial payback.
I’ve lived in Asia and have friends with these family dynamics. Not that you owe her an explanation at all, but framing as this is an important and welcome part of your financial security and leaves you in a better future position could close down those conversations.

I have half siblings from my dad, I’m my mums only, my stepdad doesn’t have any children.
i don’t think my stepdad would hoard anything if my mum passed, he’s very giving tbh, I think it’s my mum who reigns him in sometimes.
my mums been also uneasy about communicating by with my half siblings because of the past, the eldest is basically result of an affair. but she noted how different we are lmao (in my favour), like they’re ‘grabby’ financially and ‘how lucky she was that I’ve even as a child I understood the value of money’ (I now reflect I was prob traumatised from early on with family fights so kept convenient)

Double post

I doubt it. She wants to move to be closer to grandma, to the other side of the world basically. They’ve invested a lot (all? Way more than our mortgage) of their savings into building like a mansion over there, it’s in the process of being built at the moment. Got scammed a couple of times trying to do it long distance.
idk why the mansion, maybe she thinks it’s all for my family too, like we gonna wanna move there? (To me the idea is wild, I’m like a lost baby deer in that country, dh too)
Then she’ll move grandma in with her, but I personally don’t think grandma will go, she’s an independent lady
so idk that’s part of my thinking also, if they decide to come back in the future if things go very wrong…
they have private pensions, a mortgage free house in the uk which is now probs close to a million (nice area).

It was probably inappropriate for your mum to help with probate, given the circumstances of the divorce. But not for the children to put it right, she should have dealt with it at the time. I walked away from the relationship with father of my DC with nothing, my choice. I’d never expect my DC to put it right via inheritance.

Keep the 70K and use some of it on therapy to overcome this guilt and obligation you feel towards your mum. It'll be money well spent.

Life comes at us fast and all sorts of things might happen to you, your child or your husband where you might be glad to have that money. Even with your mum, if something happened where she needed help, you could decide to help her then. But keep it so you have the choice.

I understand your dilemma and how you feel. DH and I have provided financial support to my parents for 17/18 years and to his for about 7 years. With my parents, it’s 50% because of being emotionally guilted by my father and 50% because I didn’t want my mother in severely straightened financial circumstances because of his financial mismanagement. With my in laws, they never sought our help but were very grateful to receive it. The difference in our situation is that we are in a significantly better situation than our parents - with you it’s the reverse. I can’t ever envision a scenario whereby we would demand/infer a payback from our DC for how we provided for them. Especially if our finances our stronger than theirs. I think your mother just wants some sort of acknowledgement - of the terrible deal she got in the divorce, of life she created for you both and that for her this should be some sort of monetary payment - NONE OF WHICH IS YOUR PROBLEM! Sorry if that’s a bit shouty. You can acknowledge her feelings but you certainly shouldn’t have to validate them with cash. I would follow the advice of PP - offer a gift for helping with probate and maybe explain how you will be using the money to set your family for the future so that one day you might be in as strong a financial position as she is.

You’re a parent now and your responsibility is to your own child. Your mother shouldn’t be guilt-tripping you into handing over this money - she should be grateful and glad that you have it.