Giving my inheritance to my mother?

[saak952]

My parents divorced when I was a kid, mum remarried. I’m in my late twenties now, have a husband, a baby, dog, mortgage and stable job. Recently my biological father passed away, I’m one of his four children, so got a quarter of the estate (under 70k). My mum is of Asian origin, she still takes care financially of grandma who lives in her country of origin, so my mentality is kinda east-influenced.
In the divorce between my parents, my mum did not get half of their joint assets, it was a joint verbal agreement which my father didn’t really uphold. And she didn’t want to fight for my financial support I guess or didn’t know any better. Or didn’t want to go to court. Then she met my stepdad so maybe she felt financially more stable but still kept reiterating how she’s raised me single handed and educated me, put me on my feet etc. She’s worked all her life in a skilled job anyway. (Just for some background).
In the inheritance process, she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf because i was quite pregnant at the time and then recovering from c-section and baby obviously. During this process she’s made it clear how much of an emotional baggage it is for her, having to go back to the old house (once), etc, reminiscing her first marriage, etc, how she could have gotten half of everything etc etc. basically I’ve been listening to it every week for the past year and bit. While postpartum.
Anyway, now everything is close to being sold and settled. my mother is going to be retiring in the next couple years. Even though she and stepdad are way more well off than dh and I, like our joint salary is one of theirs (similar fields but less experience)… I’m thinking - shall I just let her have this inheritance of mine? Have I gone loopy from hormones? All this chat about her being short changed by my father, and how she paid for my private school and uni etc…
And the background vibes of supporting elderly parents, if I give it up now, I won’t feel obligated in the future and can have a ‘free’ conscience. Am I making sense to anyone?
Also for some background/perspective - the largest financial gift from mum and stepdad as an adult was 1k for the birth of my baby, they didn’t bankroll our house or anything.
The 70k inheritance could pay a chunk of our mortgage though.

being unreasonable - yeah I’ve gone loopy.
not being unreasonable - gift her the money

I’m probably closer to your DM’s age and I say money goes forward, not back. Keep your inheritance and use it to make your children’s future more secure. Set up a college fund, or build them a deposit for their first home.

Unfortunately giving your DM money will not free you from caring responsibilities. The two issues are quite separate.

I'd keep it but put some money aside so you can buy help if she needs it in future, and take her on holiday with your family a bit. Do you think there's an expectation she will live with you in old age? How do you feel about that?

Do you think she’d take it if you offered? There’s no way my mum would, in this situation.

As your DM hasn't openly mentioned it is it maybe something you're over thinking or do you feel she's kind of making little digs in order for you to feel its warranted that she has a share.

I'd have to question what a mother really thought of a relationship with their DC if they're now comfortably well off yet would still quite happily take money that was gifted to their DC with a young family.

Your mum was one that divorced. Ok, your dad may have initiated it, but part of change in divorce law in 2022 was to make divorce entirely no blame. This recognises it is rarely one sided..marriage is complex. So, you are not part of her situation. That’s between her and your dad.

as part of their divorce I assume they had a financial settlement ? Find that out . (I am of course assuming they divorced in uk law?). If they really agreed your dad would leave her a bequest in his death, as part of divorce, it would be in there. I’d expect to see at least some sort of expression of wishes related to any pension pots thst were indicating to go to her if that was case. If they agreed a financial settlement that didn’t state this and was a “clean break” agreement , it was then never agreed between them at divorce…your mum and dad split their joint assets at divorce. They both ended up worse off…there is no escaping that with divorce. It is whole point of marriages- that you are better off married as a couple not married. In short unless it was written into a divorce financial settlement, what your dad may or may not have agreed verbally is irrelevant, and that ship sailed long ago when she agreed to said financial settlement.

im divorced. And we did divorce sort of DIY. I know the pain of fair settlement law as I was main, and for long periods, the only wage earner, and had bigger pension. But once agreement is sealed by court that’s it. Whatever they agreed at time is what counts. Not what your dad is supposed to have agreed verbally.

your dad would have been “mad” to agree such a thing anyway. It is not “her” money. She got her portion at divorce. End of.

so, I suspect there’s a lot of emotional blackmail and resentment going on from your mum to you. Sure, if my exh died in next few years, so soon after his divorce, I’d have a tinge of pissed off that half of everything I worked so hard for over 35 years of marriage, was going direct to my kids - and it’d be a lot.

BUT, and here is big but, as much as those tinges would happen, my kids inheriting would really really set them up ..they’d get on property ladder (something my exh and I both want) and have a bit of pension windfall at very young age. It would be money “banked” by them, that I know they have. It then doesn’t matter if my half of our old joint estate gets frittered away on carechome costs when I’m in my 80s with dementia. no council can come after my exh portion of our old joint assets under deprevation of asset rules. One of the positives of divorcing after 35 years! And yes, I’d certainly help them with probate if I outlive my exh and still got my marbles..,of course I would…they both work full time and I’m retired, I’d do as much as they’d let me/I can legally without being executor, to avoid them having to take time off with the huge executors roles they have.

I certainly would not be slapping them around face about how it is really “my money”. No it isn’t. Not any more.

No child owes rhier parents for paying for their private schooling or any other thing the parents chose to pay for.
Any parent who makes a child feel like that is emotionally abusive.

Op do you honestly think your DCs will owe you when they're adults if you choose to put them in private schools?

Absolutely ridiculous.

It's your inheritance, of course you don't owe your mother anything and shame on her for trying to gaslight you.

And don't even imagine for one second that you'd be free of any ""obligations" down the line, just from what you've said of your mother I seriously doubt it will end with the £70k.

I think if it were me I’d feel obligated to give it to mother. But that’s because I’m very selfless and not good at looking after myself. I put everyone before myself and I’ve given away lots that would help me in life just so that others can have a more comfortable life.

But I’m in complete agreement with the 100percent of sensible people here. Do not give it away. Use it for your young family. I can’t understand your mum barely helping you financially so far. I give everything to my children. So you keep this money.

As people have said- you might get an inheritance from mum and pay tax again on the same money. your mum is managing ok financially it sounds like

Does your mum have a pension? If so it will probably be a better deal than most young people are getting now

You only know what your mother has told you the truth could be very different. I agree with a previous poster - bung it in a high interest account and revisit the decision in 12 months time.

No, do not! Any any decent mother would never ever accept inheritance money from their child.

Good parents don't moan about how much they gave up or paid towards their children.
It is called parenting.

Your Mum and Stepfather are comfortable.
Imagine if you give her the 70k snd she died in an accident it will go to your Stepfather.

Do you have siblings?

I would never dream of taking my children's inheritance.

Think about the diffeence that money could make for your own child. You also don't know what will happen with your life, you or DH could get ill etc. I think you could buy your mum a gift but I don't think gifting her the money would be a smart move- focus on your own child

The best advice I've ever been given in regards to a windfall or inheritance is to not do anything with it for a year.
Perhaps you can get your mother a thank you gift for helping you with this but leave the bulk of it in an account with limited access for a minimum of 1 year.

why make this about “how much better off older generation are” …you simply don’t know that for starters. There is no “probably” about it

women have always had poor pensions. Worse than men’s, even men in these days. They still do. 75% of tax relief on pension STILL goes to MEN. Think about that. And 68% of pension credits go to women (thats people who can’t live off their pensions) . any women who was trying to build up a pension before 1975 was almost certainly on a lower wage than her male colleagues, even in same job. Becuase there was no equal pay law. Jeez, we have had thst law in place for 59 years now, and there is still a very significant gender page gap that still hasn’t been closed. It’ll take another 100 years at this rate.

And this kind of thinking and preoccupation is also playing straight into hands of successive governments who are quite happy for your to blame older generation for all your pension and wage and housing cost woes. It means you aren’t blaming the governments for the huge, massive wage inequality that’s grown in last 30 years between works and directors , or for what gorden brown did to private pensions, or what tories did to state pension and setting up an expensive personal pension framework for all workers, making them and their cronies rich through investment company growth (instead of making state pension work by rising NI contributions instrad).

it is not the older generation who had it so good. They worked hard for a barely fair pension. It is the governments since 1980s that have screwed the younger generation. And I don’t see many of youngsters joining unions and getting leverage to change this by lobbying or even striking as a majority. Just a lot of moaning on social media and “poor us”. We had to fight for women’s equality , before that form 1880s to 1960s for basic things like 5 days working weeks etc.

Fwiw, I don’t think she should give to mum, but I’m not going down rabbit hole of “mum never had it so good”. There isn’t even the need. There are a lot of other valid reasons it is a mad idea to give her inheritence to her mum.

There can be little more ridiculous financially than for a young family to even consider giving up an inheritance to a well off parent. Totally bananas.

my dad does this i spent so much money on all of you

did i ask for that-no

She could die before your stepfather. It could end up going to him and eventually his family. Do you want that?

Sorry but it’s yours. As you say she and your stepdad have more than you. You have a child to look after now, maternity leave etc

She could have fought for more but chose not to that’s her choice and she should not be revisiting it on you

likewise the stuff she paid out for, that’s part of parenting just as you will do the same for your child

I don't think your DM's complaints about your father, their divorce and the cost of your education will change, even if you gave her all your inheritance. She is unreasonable to try to make you feel guilty about choices she made when you were a child. Give her a gift, to thank her for recent help, if you want to. Keep your inheritance.

It's yours. So keep it. I'm sure that's what your Father would have wanted.

From what you’ve written, I don’t think giving your mum 70k will stop her pestering you/whining/guilt tripping you/whatever. She and her new husband are comfortably off now and she’s doing it, for reasons that are likely not financial.

I’d keep that in mind when thinking about giving her any money.

Something to consider, if she inherited from her parents did she pass it on to someone else?

OP you don't "owe" your mum for your private education. She's your parent: it's what she chose for do for her child. You weren't in a position to make financial calculations about the best use of the money. No child is.

Please don't think that by giving this chunk of money to her you will end the demands on you, or your own misplaced sense of guilty.

It's your money and right now you need it more than she does. If, in the future, you are earning well and she is facing financial difficulties then you can consider helping her. But that will be the case whether or not you have handed over this R70k.

It's also what your father gave YOU. He's your dad. You are entitled to it.

No. Don't do it. It sounds like she absolutely doesn't need it, it's just some sense of entitlement she has.

You also say you don't want to 'owe' her later in life (paraphrasing)

Do you honestly think if you give her the money she won't expect anything of you when she's older, and needs more care and help? Of course she will, she'll expect just the same, and you'll be 70k poorer.

The only person I'd consider giving it or is your child - but at this stage in life you may need it one day, redundancy or ill health etc. Or you may have further children and then it would be unequal.

I'd do as DH suggests and pay it off the mortgage, if that makes financial sense.

The most I'd do is consider taking your parents on holiday, if that's something you'd all enjoy.

No you pay it into your mortgage and £1000 a month you save goes you overpay into the mortgage until dc goes to school. Then if you go private you use it to offset the school fees at that point with the “overpayment”.