Giving my inheritance to my mother?

[saak952]

My parents divorced when I was a kid, mum remarried. I’m in my late twenties now, have a husband, a baby, dog, mortgage and stable job. Recently my biological father passed away, I’m one of his four children, so got a quarter of the estate (under 70k). My mum is of Asian origin, she still takes care financially of grandma who lives in her country of origin, so my mentality is kinda east-influenced.
In the divorce between my parents, my mum did not get half of their joint assets, it was a joint verbal agreement which my father didn’t really uphold. And she didn’t want to fight for my financial support I guess or didn’t know any better. Or didn’t want to go to court. Then she met my stepdad so maybe she felt financially more stable but still kept reiterating how she’s raised me single handed and educated me, put me on my feet etc. She’s worked all her life in a skilled job anyway. (Just for some background).
In the inheritance process, she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf because i was quite pregnant at the time and then recovering from c-section and baby obviously. During this process she’s made it clear how much of an emotional baggage it is for her, having to go back to the old house (once), etc, reminiscing her first marriage, etc, how she could have gotten half of everything etc etc. basically I’ve been listening to it every week for the past year and bit. While postpartum.
Anyway, now everything is close to being sold and settled. my mother is going to be retiring in the next couple years. Even though she and stepdad are way more well off than dh and I, like our joint salary is one of theirs (similar fields but less experience)… I’m thinking - shall I just let her have this inheritance of mine? Have I gone loopy from hormones? All this chat about her being short changed by my father, and how she paid for my private school and uni etc…
And the background vibes of supporting elderly parents, if I give it up now, I won’t feel obligated in the future and can have a ‘free’ conscience. Am I making sense to anyone?
Also for some background/perspective - the largest financial gift from mum and stepdad as an adult was 1k for the birth of my baby, they didn’t bankroll our house or anything.
The 70k inheritance could pay a chunk of our mortgage though.

being unreasonable - yeah I’ve gone loopy.
not being unreasonable - gift her the money

I’m sorry but your mum doesn’t sound very nice. A good parent doesn’t guilt trip their child and go on about how hard they work to support them.

If they've got a million pound house here and are building a mansion somewhere else, I have no idea why you think mum is hard done by and should get your 70k.

at one point in the process she was talking to be about how grabby mg half siblings were being and said if she really wanted to she could take them to court and get half the estate basically because it was marital asset, and she got receipts etc etc idk if it was just emotions or her trying to fight for my share or establishing her ownership..
i do need a break from all this, I can’t even read peoples intent.. the sleep deprivation is wild

Your mother doesn’t need your inheritance. If she was short of money, she’d be having a smaller house built. Prioritise your own family, not your mother.

If she was struggling financially I might say invest the money and pay her the interest (or some of it) to help her out. But she isn't so keep it and pay off your mortgage your Dad wanted you to have it. Your Mum is presumably much happier without him and that is all well in the past. Most parents pay big amounts to support their children, they don't come looking for the money back!

So I am in a similar situation to you @saak952 in terms of the divorce situation and a good deal further on in age/life stage. Also south Asian heritage (although heavily diluted it plays out quite a bit).

First, it is not your responsibility to parent your DM. And just because your DM and DF made certain decisions about how to bring you up, split their assets, bequeath their remaining estate, this is not your responsibility to resolve. Your first and foremost responsibility is to your children and their future.

If your children were in a similar situation, what would you say to them? What would you expect them to do? That. And that only should be your starting point.

Your parents sound like mine, in that for too long the only people they thought about (at least financially) was themselves in that moment. They made a set of decsisions based on that and this is what the outcome of those decisions looks like. It is not yours to sort out. You were the child. They were the adults.

Second, accept the inheritance gracefully, send your Mum on a nice but not break the bank expensive holiday if you want, and have done with it.

Third, give yourself time but F.O.G is real. Even more profound when you are the only daughter, and the Asian heritage adds even more responsibility on your shoulders. Think about what your emotional boundaries need to be with your DM going forward. There may be a time when you need them.

It’s a weird culture like parents are expected to set up their kid with a house, then kids take care of the parents. The setting up with a house is seen almost like being upper class but downplayed like it’s a necessity. Maybe she feels guilty or comparing herself to her friends, that’s she’s got her mansion and we have a mortgage. So she’s trying to compensate by saying she gave me a good education and set me up with a fishing rod. She keeps saying how good I was as a kid never asking for any toys or throwing tantrums, like I really asked her for a specific pair of school shoes once and she was surprised how persistent I was. (Side note I always had shoes lol and musical instruments and holidays and don’t have any uni debt), she meant more my attitude. Like not making me spoilt.
(tbh my school also had a bit of a gentle angle so that us girls weren’t growing up spoiled, so I do see why, but methods different - like importance of giving back to community and working even though you can afford not to, rather than guilt tripping and teaching to suppress your wants)
now I understand from reading here and from my school friend family dynamics that people like to enjoy money with their kids, even in adult hood, provide when they can when it’s needed, when it will make a difference….

Culture and family norms are big 'rules' to break....But they aren't really 'rules' you can choose what to do and examine whether they are aligned to your true values.
Your mum's 'rules' sound terribly transactional to me. I educated you, bought you food and sent you to uni, in return you must earn well and help me lead a life of luxury spunk money on a mansion in another country I have kids....I love them unconditionally, they aren't supposed to do anything for me. I want them to be honest and kind and self sufficient and I'd love them to be happy.

Keep your inheritance

You’re bonkers OP. Your dad would be rolling in his grave. He and your mum have both moved on in their different ways though your mum is left feeling bitter. Keep the money, you will need it one day.

I don't believe we owe our parents for the money they spent on us. They chose to have us, whether to send us to private school etc. It is the natural order that parents do this, I also don't believe my sin will owe me for his upbringing. If we love our parents, we will want to assist them in old age if they need it, and if we can, but we don't financially owe them in my view.

Does all sound a mad situation with the mansion building etc. It doesn't sound like she needs the money, she's just manipulated you into feeling guilty. Just invest or spend it however is best for your family and don't discuss it with her anymore.

Keep the money.

Put it towards your mortgage pdq as soon as you get it thence you wont be tempted to hand it over cos it’s all gone towards securing the roof over your little family ‘s head.

Nope. Not while you still have debts. Your priority is setting your child and yourselves up.
I think it's a bit of a slap in the face to your dad and his family too. I'm sure he'd prefer one of his other children benefit over his ex wife!

By the way I helped my DM out to the extent that I practically did everything when my step dad died including the funeral, winding down his business, sorting out probate, I ended up being her carer for a few years. She was already very well off. She inherited thousands from stepdad and kept it all to herself. Her choice.

We are going through something similar at the moment. PILs got divorced about 5 years ago and MIL always felt that the divorce wasn't fair, even though she used a solicitor who got her everything she was entitled to. FIL passed away recently so DH has inherited from him and MIL is constantly making digs at him about how it's not fair and it should have been her money

As hard as it is, he just ignores her comments or shuts it down every time she starts because he know it's not his fault. I absolutely wouldn't give it to her. But also, what would your dad have wanted? Wouldn't he have wanted to know that his daughter and grandchildren have benefitted it from it and been able to do something good for their future, rather than it going back to his ex wife?

I am not making it about that. She has literally said her mum earns as much as her and her husbands salary combined. She might therefore surely have a reasonable pension and not need the money. You cannot deny that there used to be some very good final salary pensions that are pretty rare now. Many women live in poverty at pension age but is she one of them?

She's being deliberately manipulative with all the stuff she's saying so that you will hand over the money.
You mustn't. That is your money and needs to be used to secure your own child's future.
What happened after the divorce has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for how the assets were divided. She should have fought to get more if she was that fussed about it, not trying to get the money back 25 years later from her own daughter by using manipulation tactics.

I wouldn't give her a penny.

Idk how much their private pensions are exactly, if I were to give a rough estimate with the types of companies / salaries / length of service compared to what I’ve been contributing to my private pension so far and seeing the pot.. I’d say theirs is probably half a million, maybe more.
But she wants to retire abroad, over there the monthly equivalent is massive.
on the other hand she’s said a couple of times with a sigh like ah I’m stopping work soon (her choice) have only my pension to look forward to.
and in the next sentence she’ll say oh so much money is going towards renovations (mansion) so much, I spent tens of thousands today.
is this like a humble brag or what, I don’t understand.
last few years have been a bit odd I think, maybe she went through a menopausal depression or crisis… like she was begging for grandkids straight after our wedding and how amazing a grandma she’ll be , then literally a month later announced she bought the mansion and jetting off abroad for retirement. It’s a long haul flight, does she expect me to visit for her to play amazing grandma in a huge house? I don’t understand. She did not discuss this with me but I’m kinda worried of her expectations for the future (but they’re her problem). I suppose another way I’m trying to rationalise giving her the money is that we will not be visiting, her relationship with her grandchild will suffer because of her decision. If she has ‘my’ money then she can’t play victim in that plane of like she did all this to help me secure the money, all her misery through marriage, selflessness raising me, and I don’t even visit and her grandkid doesn’t know her (her decision)

I don't think giving her £70k (which it sounds like she doesn't need?) will solve the problem anyway. She has an internal narrative about all she's sacrificed etc etc and that's not going to switch off because you give her your inheritance.

You’re not thinking clearly.

it was her choice to send you to private school, and she clearly had the means to do so. It is not your responsibility to reimburse her.

I have an acquaintance like this. Her children are adults now but she has maintained the line from when they were small about everything she sacrificed to put them through private school and everything they owe her. In reality she sacrificed nothing (it turns out the ex husband and grandparents paid) but those kids are convinced she lived on the poverty line for 25 years for their education. It’s sad to see the control and manipulation she exercises over them.

honestly keep it. By all means buy her a holiday as a thank you for helping you. If she ever makes a fuss about it, say you are doing what she did and using the money to give your children the best opportunities in life. Use it to pay off a chunk of mortgage but then set up some savings for your kids with the money you save in interest and paying the mortgage off earlier.

Your mother sounds very manipulative and dysfunctional.
Have a look at the Stately Homes threads and see if any of it resonates.
Also read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

I agree with the PP who suggested using some of your inheritance to pay for therapy. And I'd use most of it to pay off a chunk of mortgage, if I were you.

Do not give her a penny. She is financially better off than you! And you have your own family to consider. You are not responsible for her past choices (or any of her choices).

"If she has ‘my’ money then she can’t play victim"

I find it interesting that you think giving in to her about this will stop her from manipulating you in future. I think it's the opposite, personally. The more you give in, the more she will manipulate you. She won't change. She will always play the victim whether you give her the money or not!

You’ve gone loopy. It’s a guilt reflex because she has spent years making you feel guilty - guilty because she has done so much for you and you are the child of a man she disliked. She hasn’t, in reality, done more than other parents though, and she’s expecting you to be grateful for things you never asked for that were entirely her choice. She married your dad and had you with him so she doesn’t now get to blame you for “your father”.

Shes talking nonsense about your and your siblings inheritance being “an asset of the marriage”. They must have been divorced a long time if you were just a kid and if he had died without a will his dc would have inherited above his ex wife. If the divorce was unfair it should have been addressed at the time. If she had died first would she be happy for him to inherit? She couldn’t challenge it - nobody would side with an ex wife of a dozen year over children.

She’s not some helpless, poverty ridden, little old lady who sacrificed her comfort in old age to raise an ungrateful dd. She has a career with a good income and pension and, what sounds like, a solvent and kind husband and £1million+ in assets. If she’s anything like my mother she wouldn’t even spend the money particularly, just brag to her friends about how well her dd looks after her compared to their dds.