Giving my inheritance to my mother?

[saak952]

My parents divorced when I was a kid, mum remarried. I’m in my late twenties now, have a husband, a baby, dog, mortgage and stable job. Recently my biological father passed away, I’m one of his four children, so got a quarter of the estate (under 70k). My mum is of Asian origin, she still takes care financially of grandma who lives in her country of origin, so my mentality is kinda east-influenced.
In the divorce between my parents, my mum did not get half of their joint assets, it was a joint verbal agreement which my father didn’t really uphold. And she didn’t want to fight for my financial support I guess or didn’t know any better. Or didn’t want to go to court. Then she met my stepdad so maybe she felt financially more stable but still kept reiterating how she’s raised me single handed and educated me, put me on my feet etc. She’s worked all her life in a skilled job anyway. (Just for some background).
In the inheritance process, she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf because i was quite pregnant at the time and then recovering from c-section and baby obviously. During this process she’s made it clear how much of an emotional baggage it is for her, having to go back to the old house (once), etc, reminiscing her first marriage, etc, how she could have gotten half of everything etc etc. basically I’ve been listening to it every week for the past year and bit. While postpartum.
Anyway, now everything is close to being sold and settled. my mother is going to be retiring in the next couple years. Even though she and stepdad are way more well off than dh and I, like our joint salary is one of theirs (similar fields but less experience)… I’m thinking - shall I just let her have this inheritance of mine? Have I gone loopy from hormones? All this chat about her being short changed by my father, and how she paid for my private school and uni etc…
And the background vibes of supporting elderly parents, if I give it up now, I won’t feel obligated in the future and can have a ‘free’ conscience. Am I making sense to anyone?
Also for some background/perspective - the largest financial gift from mum and stepdad as an adult was 1k for the birth of my baby, they didn’t bankroll our house or anything.
The 70k inheritance could pay a chunk of our mortgage though.

being unreasonable - yeah I’ve gone loopy.
not being unreasonable - gift her the money

Don’t give her money. It sounds like she has plenty. You have DC to support and earn less than she does.

‘she’s been handling some of the things on my behalf’: don’t do that again, pregnant/with a newborn or not. You’re an adult. If you need help, discuss it with DH.

She too was an adult when she made her past decisions, so is responsible for the consequences.

Your Mum doesn’t need help now.

You and your DH are at your most expensive stage of life, baby, mortgage, early career salaries

Your Dad left the money to you. Save it / use it sensibly to build your own security, help your Mum IF she ever needs it in the future.

I would be horrified if my young adult Dc gave me their inheritance. And I say that as one of these reputedly greedy complacent ingnorant yada yada boomer generation now living on a small amount over state pension having worked f/t non stop since I left school.

Ot is hard to build security for the current generation, and my decisions as a parent never created an obligation for my Dc. A parents role is to take responsibility for the decisions they took while Dc were minors.

Your Mum is simply a martyr and good at emotional blackmail.

Unfortunately you walked right into that by letting her take any responsibility for your late father’s affairs.

Your mother is stuck between two cultures - the one she’s raised you in and the one she was raised in/relates to/is going back to you. It’s not easy, and she’s trying to embroil you in her issues to help her make sense of it.

Truthfully? As someone who was raised between two cultures: what your mother is hinting/getting at is wicked. She had/has the option of being magnanimous, of not wanting to k flirt on her child the same troubles she’s been through, of cutting the cord, of being mature enough to see you have your own life with your own family, of taking responsibility for her first marriage and its outcome. She can do all of these things whilst also remaining close to her mum and her culture and its values. But instead she’s choosing to do what she’s doing. Think about it.

Someone has to break the chain. Not lengthen it.

So your mother and stepfather are actually loaded and seemingly quite extravagant and careless with money! Your mother can't have been left too short of money in the divorce if she could afford private education for you. You only have her word for how financially ill treated she was and perhaps your father was the less well off of the two of them. Whatever happened, it was 25 years ago so not your problem. Well it's not a problem at all, as said previously, they are loaded! And in comparison to their wealth your inheritance of £70,000 is a relatively small amount that your father wanted you to have. It is, however, a very useful sum for a young couple with a new baby, starting out on life to have. You should keep it, invest it and have it as a buffer should you need it in the future.

Keep the 70K and use some of it on therapy to overcome this guilt and obligation you feel towards your mum. It'll be money well spent.

Could be a good idea!

Private school started when my mum met my stepdad, I was still in primary though. He’s very generous, first few terms he covered, then when my mum got a better paying job, he was paying mortgage and bills and she was covering my school and food.. tbh fees were like half what they are now.. atm dh and I could do current fees with mortgage but have nothing left and be very careful. We’re hoping for mortgage to be paid then concentrate on fees, we got quite a short term with large deposit we saved for. By then his salary will def rise 50% (grant budgeted), and hopefully I’ll get a more senior position in a decade’s time.
In the divorce I remember money struggles though idk how real they were.. I also remember my dad being quite cruel like throwing a tenner on the table like here’s for her (my) food for the month.
initially my father was better off, by the end of his life it reversed drastically

So according to your culture, if your parents had stayed together then they ‘should’ have bought you a house?

Your mum couldn’t do that because she didn’t get enough marital assets. But, if she had got the money, she’d have given it to you to buy an house. And now you’ve the money to pay off some of your mortgage. So culture is satisfied.

Don’t give her the money, she doesn’t even need it! And do use it to pay the mortgage, otherwise it will all be spent on air fares to visit her….

^ careless yeah… it’s a weird duality of being well off / don’t expect anything I’ve only got a pension! Like it’s almost aggressive when she goes off on a monologue about her friend’s child or whatever finances and compares them to herself and starts going off at me like I’m the one asking her for money. ‘I put you on your feet, you two have brains and can work for the money!’ Like okay I literally didn’t start this topic. It’s sensitive issue of hers I guess.
my stepdad would literally give anything, they got a new car and first thing he said to my husband - you can have it if you want. Dh was gobsmacked like thank you we have a car already yours is lovely and slides off on car tangent

I don’t know, it’s hard to gauge for me, I consider myself a Brit lmao but from what I see on Instagram it’s like bare minimum parents should provide housing for daughters especially. It’s very materialistic. another example like - girls refusing to give birth unless husband can afford a cook and a nanny. It’s like pseudo American dream mixed. But my mum is probably outraged by such views (I wrote a bit above)

i grew up with a single mum and always thought we were poor. My mum didn’t work and would often complain about not being able to afford things, I would consciously try not to ask for much, and I got a job at 14 to pay for my own clothes etc.

turns out she was relatively loaded with a private income, investments, mortgage free house etc. she was just shit with money and spent it like water.

I used to even bail her out now and again when I had spare case and she was “skint”.

some people have a skewed idea of money. She may be pleading sacrifice, but that may be her own view…

Yep, hormones have made you go loopy. This is your money to keep for your little family's future.
Enjoy.
Sorry about your dad 💐

omg thats wild, im sorry you went through that :(((((

I’d give her 2k (1k as payment for her time sorting the inheritance out and another 1k because you’re kind and want to spoil her.

The rest should go to you. Your DM and have your kids to prioritise.

Your DM and DD made their choices years ago and could have made different choices at the time. The divorce funds were finalised many years ago. There is no roll over obligation, that’s not how things work.

the reason she was doing some stuff on my behalf was because my dad had some inherited assets in his home country (same as mums) and they had to be dealt with. I couldn’t travel that far and just didnt want to, I’m useless there.. I only went on holiday to visit as a kid and occasionally as an adult, I’ve little idea how to navigate legal stuff. So she did it, and I did uk stuff when I could.. anyway, since she’s doing up her mansion she’s got bank account infrastructure and I haven’t. Anyway when the foreign stuff was being dealt with, there was maybe 1k equivalent in pounds that accumulated and it’s still sitting there in her account. Initially she said she’ll give it to me, I said wait because there might be other random fees and wanted things to settle and what’s the point me then sending her money for random fees. She was like no no but said okay eventually after like two seconds haha
Anyway six months later it’s still there. I know it’s a relatively small amount compared to the full 70 but like.. did she accept it? Did she spend it on the mansion? I’m sure if I pressed, she’d give it to me. But like hm. Idk if it were my kid I’d just send the money

Yeah, you've gone loopy OP 😁Your father left YOU an inheritance, not your mother.

Did your mum and dad have a financial agreement when they divorced?

Not in writing apparently

Then she could be entitled to some of his estate. However, this is for her to discuss with a lawyer. It's not up to children to make up for the sins of the father.

I'm Asian too, believe me, I know the urge to protect mum is strong. But it shouldn't mean giving up your inheritance.

Yeah she did have a consultation, he said it’s possible but lengthy and complex.. need witnesses (mutual friends do exist still) that’s why she was saying half of it is hers

^ but she said she won’t do it because she’s not petty

also lawyer is probably more expensive than guilt tripping your daughter 🤣 I joke but yah….

But she is being petty by claiming yours though?

I am Asian too and belive me i know how these relatives work, they suck you dry and spit you out and move onto their next victim. However, if you need help then they're nowhere to be seen.

Ask her for a loan in front of your stepfather and see what reaction you get. That will be your answer. Remember if you give your inheritance to your mum and she dies before your stepdad then he'll inherit your dad's money and not you or his biological grandchild. Ask yourself, is this right?

But like what’s mine is yours isn’t it 🤭🤭🤭 you’ll get everything in the end anyway I raised you I always gave you all I could

I remember when I was pregnant, crying in the car because I had just had the best salad I ever ate in my life and I new nothing would ever taste as good again.

(I don’t normally cry and I don’t even like salad.)

You have just lost your mind a bit, it’s ok. Don’t give her the money, it’s for you.

Put the money into a new account called it ‘inheritance’ and leave it.

Don’t make any financial decisions until your new baby is about 7 years old. All the best.

About the loan - idk I think I’m a bit too old for practical jokes, he’ll take it seriously, he’s a sweetheart. She’ll call me stupid and manipulative when she finds out it’s not true. At one point with the division of assets between siblings and I, she got a bit fed up dealing with them and said i could buy them out of one of the things. For like 20k. I said yo I just got a mortgage and a new baby I can’t be doing questionable investments like that, what if I or dh lose my job. She was surprised like oh you don’t have money? Then she said she’s not paying she’s not a millionaire (but kinda is), only has her pension blabla

This! Your mum isn’t part of the equation