Treated like I’m not family

[MrsKnob]

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

Time to reconsider your relationship imo. Bet you do all the Wife Work for your not family....

That’s awful. I’d forgive him due to the shock, but saying it in front of the 13 year old is horrible. I expect he’ll want you to lean on in coming days, I’m not sure how I’d be feeling about that.

Let me find a way to make it all about me.

I don’t feel I’m related to my in laws. And I can imagine if my parent died, preferring to just be with my own family members not my siblings’ partners etc.

Do you mean your DH said that you are not welcome?
But your DD - his and your DD will go over together?

And you are married?

I guess the he is your husband.

It’s not nice to hear but given the circumstances I’d try let it go. Unless there are other issues.

Yes we’re married, 17 years now, and yes he made it clear that I wasn’t welcome. And yes I do all the wife work

Wow after 17 years he thought that was an okay thing to say!! He will have a hard time coming back from that.

Well you might be feeling a bit put out but I hope you are ready to be empathetic with your Dh when he returns, as his Dad has just died.

Ooo seems harsh - presume you have always got on with his family?

Maybe it was just the shock. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt under the circumstances

Have you always gotten along with his family OP?

Thats very sad. It is out of character?
That must have been very upsetting for you. ☹️

Is it out of character?

Who else would be there though? I wouldn’t want my siblings’ partners there after a parent died.

I am so sorry - that is a dreadful thing for him to say and after 17 years, truly shocking. There is a lot of it on mumsnet too, but to me, family ties are more than about being related by blood. It makes me shudder to hear some of what gets spouted on here about step- relatives, in laws etc. I am so sorry OP, that is awful for you.

Well no doubt your husbands mother ( who married in as isn’t a blood relative) is also not related either?

After all these years, getting married, and sharing a child…..you’re not family.

In the stress of things, his mask has dropped.

That’s fine. He can sort out his own “family” from now on. Drop the rope.

I think it depends how many people are going to be there. If there are a few siblings and your Father in laws wife, then maybe it was thought to be inappropriate to have a huge crowd round the bed. I read yesterday that when the Queen died, Kate didn’t go to be beside the Queen at the end, and neither did Princess Anne’s husband. I know we’re talking RF here, and it’s different I guess, but maybe it’s something that’s not uncommon for just immediate family to be at the bedside?

Do you get on with his family.

Its not about you its about him/them, its weird if you all get on but if there is tension with any of them then its wiser to stay away.

I don't see my in laws as 'MY family' they are my DH family.

I can perhaps understand the urge to
revert to immediate family, ie the kids who grew up in that family house, in this instance. But it’s v v odd to take your DD and exclude you, and would be even worse if other relatives were also allowed. Is there a cultural gap?

Take your cue to reassess what you do, and how you’re treated. You know yourself if this was just clumsily worded during grief or if this is reflective of his behaviour.

I’d be livid.

Is there any bad history between you and his family?

I’m very fond of my octogenarian PIL. But o Devi iteky don’t consider myself related to them, and I would absolutely understand DH and his siblings wanting to be alone together. I’d probably feel similarly if I lost a parent.

How ridiculous. The man's dad has died, this is not the time to make things about yourself or decide "that's it, he can write his own Christmas cards!"

Support your husband ffs. If he wants it to be his mom and siblings only, that's what should happen. I would do whatever my husband needed, not worry about myself or my position with the in laws.