Treated like I’m not family

[MrsKnob]

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

They didn't, read her posts MIL wanted her there! This is just about her DH.

Yanbu. Obviously yes he had a horrible shock and that's awful but he meant what he said and the shock allowed his fake mask to slip. He does not consider you to be part of his family - that is a relationship-ending revelation. Even in the shock of grief it should be obvious that even if nothing else your 13yo DD needed to have both parents with her as she processed the grief of losing her grandpa.

I have always been incredibly close to his whole family. I’m no contact with my family, so his family have always been there for me. I have been the one driving father in law to hospital appointments and getting shopping for them as well as checking in with them daily to see how they are.

OP said and MIL made him go get her. He doesn’t speak for everyone in his family.

I would have expected to go to support DD. She is young and might be distressed - is FIL still at home or has he been taken to a chapel of rest? I would give DH the benefit of the doubt in this case though. He has just lost his father.

In this situation the husband may feel like that and so may the other related members of the bereaved family.

I understand this position, but there are ways to talk about that respectfully and ASK for it respectfully, not just say 'you aren't family, you can't come', that's a disgusting attitude towards someone who loves your parents like their own and supports them more than you do, it's no wonder OP is so shocked, it's an insult to say she isn't family while she's been actively taking care of them like she would her own parents.

I've been around a lot of death myself and I wouldn't be happy that my 13 year old was being sent off to 'go and grieve' with their family, without me to support them, the role of people like OP in times like this is to quietly support her husband and child while he supports his family and parents.. how can she do that if she is excluded?

The fact that his MUM insisted he go back and get OP says everything you need to know about this situation.

Right, and her DH is entitled to a view too.

Wow. Some of the responses are mind boggling but then given some attitudes towards funerals portrayed here, possibly not surprising.
It's sad reading how detached some are, even when there are established relationships. The stiff upper lip attitude and compartmentalizing of grief perfectly illustrated.

You have my full sympathy.

He had just had a call to say his dad has died, probably was not thinking straight. Cut him some slack, he will have gone straight into panic mode.

some odd comments on here …

That's nice at least someone recognises your effort.

If DH said this to me he'd just be reflecting back his own parents attitude - though I don't think he would TBH and I'm a lot less close then you clearly are.

Whatever your partner says, you need to be seen sending condolences and perhaps visiting MIL with some flowers or something to show you care, even if you go alone. If you don't, the family will think you don't care and won't know that partner is saying your are not family.

Divorce the fucker. He has shown his true feelings. This isn't grief talking, it's his nasty nature.

I can totally understand why what he said has hurt you, particularly in the context of how much you’ve done for your PIL.
If DH is feeling guilt as well as grief, be prepared for it to get worse, especially if he’s not the type to open up and talk about how he feels. Know your boundaries and practice stating them and implementing them calmly, particularly if the grief becomes anger. Ultimately he may need some help processing this, particularly if he’s a golden child/whole family worshipped FIL. If he’s also the eldest son there may well be a pressure to ‘fill the gap’ FIL has left

Your DH is an arse!
He's likely feeling guilty that he's not done more and left you to look out for his parents, fetching and carrying. I suppose you write all the Birthday and Christmas cards for his family aswell.

Grieving or not I'd have bloody told him and gone along anyway.

I’ve come to realise that in my husbands family wives are not treated as ‘family’. My children are, a woman that rocked up after 20 years and wanted to reconnect with her dad’s family is, but wives, not really. It took a while for me to work it out as my family welcome partner’s wholeheartedly. So now, I don’t get involved in their dramas, I don’t offer advice, I don’t put myself out. I suggest you do the same in future.