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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treated like I’m not family

140 replies

MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 20:29

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 11/09/2025 23:29

I’m so sorry op. Can you explain how hurt you feel to your husband?

whitewineandsun · 11/09/2025 23:32

I have been the one driving father in law to hospital appointments and getting shopping for them as well as checking in with them daily to see how they are.

That makes it even worse what he said, grief or not. He owes you an apology.

Original poster
MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 23:34

Oh and his mum asked why I wasn’t there and made him go a get me

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 11/09/2025 23:57

Sounds like MIL knows who did all the work, but Mr Devoted Son wants all the glory. Good for MIL, stick with what she says and what she wants.

That said, Devoted Son will get angry that everyone sees who was actually devoted so be ready for his anger.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/09/2025 23:59

EWAB · 11/09/2025 20:54

Who else would be there though? I wouldn’t want my siblings’ partners there after a parent died.

And what about what your siblings want? Or do they not get a voice over yours?

singswithitsfingers · 12/09/2025 00:08

MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 23:34

Oh and his mum asked why I wasn’t there and made him go a get me

Well it sounds like she really values you. It's a hurtful thing to hear from your DH but people say and do strange things in grief. I would put it down to that and focus on your MIL's loving reaction.

It's obviously a very stressful time though. When my mother died, my DH said some insensitive things which took me a long time to forget.

saraclara · 12/09/2025 00:20

MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 23:34

Oh and his mum asked why I wasn’t there and made him go a get me

I'm glad.

Like you, my in-laws were more family to me than my own. I adored my mum in law and she loved me too.

I was there when my father in law was dying, and was my sister in law's main source of support, as well as generally being of practical support to everyone. I can't imagine my DH telling me I didn't belong there.

I do get that family dynamics aren't all the same though.

TulipsTwoLips · 12/09/2025 00:49

SquaredPaper · 11/09/2025 21:35

I’m very fond of my octogenarian PIL. But o Devi iteky don’t consider myself related to them, and I would absolutely understand DH and his siblings wanting to be alone together. I’d probably feel similarly if I lost a parent.

This is how I feel too.

dizzydizzydizzy · 12/09/2025 01:20

MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 23:34

Oh and his mum asked why I wasn’t there and made him go a get me

Ah that's good! Do you think your husband's response was just due to the shock of the moment or is that's what he genuinely thinks? My DM had comments like that from my dad's family after they had been married for something like 50 years. She was also very upset.

VoltaireMittyDream · 12/09/2025 01:26

I wouldn’t want my husband there if I was grieving the loss of a parent with my siblings. Of course he’s not ‘family’ in that way.

That doesn’t mean I hate him, or take him for granted, or think less of him or anything - he’s just literally not my sibling, or a person I grew up with. In the first moments of loss and shock, I want to share my grief with people who have the same history.

Fidgetybit · 12/09/2025 01:51

MrsKnob · 11/09/2025 23:29

Also the thing is they do see me as family. We were together years before we got married as well. They have been more like parents to me than in-laws. I understand my dh was grieving though. It’s just in those moments I always find people say what they really mean, rather than finding a polite way to put things.

From your last two posts I think your husband is a little resentful of your very close relationship with your in-laws. He didn't want you there getting any thanks for being there every day for his father and mother. He didn't wan't to have you there taking the spotlight off him as the grieving son supporting his mum.

It's good that your MIL knows that you, quite rightly, are a part of her family and wanted you to be included.

ChelseaDetective · 12/09/2025 02:02

I won’t be visiting my husband (of 20 years) family when there is a bereavement but that’s because they live in another country and I’ve spent a total of three very awkward days in their company in all that time, and I don’t have their grandchildren.

If you’ve had no inkling until now that you were not part of your DH and FIL’s family that’s…awful and I’d be taking some time to think about my options.

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/09/2025 02:06

I would sit on it for a couple of weeks while they grieve and assess how I felt about the marriage. You don’t have to stay just because he lost his dad- he didn’t have to be a complete dick to you about it.

caringcarer · 12/09/2025 02:23

When my FiL, who I was very fond of and had always had a good relationship died, I spoke with MiL on the phone and realised she was in shock and suggested to DH he go up and stay with his Mum, 168 miles away, and help her sort out his funeral. He was there almost 2 weeks and I stayed home with teen DC at school Sixth Form and went up at weekend for afternoon on Saturday, slept over, then came back home. Mil welcomed me and thanked me for telling DH to go up to help her. He took2 weeks holiday but I knew she wouldn't manage on her own. They had been married for over 50 years. I went back up with my 2 ds's for his funeral and we all stayed for weekend after funeral. We suggested she might like to come back with us for a week but she said no she'd have to get used to living alone.

RawBloomers · 12/09/2025 04:08

I wouldn’t see myself as on an equal standing with my DH if one of his parents passed away, even though we’ve been married for decades. But I would be deeply hurt if I was told, by him, to stay away from a family gathering to mourn.

Zanatdy · 12/09/2025 05:15

How horrible of your DH. When my dad died, my brother’s fiancé of course came straight over with him to see my dad before the undertaker arrived (he died at home). They’d only been together 2-3yrs at that point, but no-one considered that she shouldn’t come. Glad his mum asked where you were and got you over. I’d be considering my future with him.

MinnieBaldock · 12/09/2025 05:19

I think that was a rotten thing to say even if he is grieving. The thing is if you say anything he could say you are either hitting him while his down or he didn't mean what he said. No matter what you can't win. You can't say you really hurt my feelings as it will come across as why are you bringing it up at a time like this. No keep as they say your powder dry at the moment and any time he asks you to do anything for his family remind him of this and say " I not part of your family".
What he said would hurt me to the core if I was close to my in-laws.

Nestingbirds · 12/09/2025 05:21

Some families are like this.

My in laws were definitely like this, and at each death none of the decades long wives and husbands are included. Even if they were super close. It has had a chilling effect on family relations. I don’t know how far this should go, but it’s very unpleasant and othering.

Worse still in times of grief.

I would wait a few months, and then explain how this made you feel. If you want to pull back, then do so.

You are not there when it suits them. Sone families have a hierarchy, and it becomes more exposed in grief and shock.

YelloDaisy · 12/09/2025 05:24

Why did you do the taking to hospital -were you working fewer hours so more available?
Was DH jealous of th e time you had with DFIL?

Costcogroupie · 12/09/2025 05:58

I think your husband could be jealous of your closeness to his family.

Anyway it was a terrible thing to say to you.

Strawberrryfields · 12/09/2025 06:06

Sorry for your loss OP. Can totally understand why this felt hurtful but if you’ve not been made to feel this way before (sounds like you’ve been very much treated as part of the family) I’d chalk it up to grief.

I’ve found sometimes people can become quite ‘proper’ in situations like this, they don’t know how to act so revert to some kind of playbook of how ‘these things are supposed to go’ in their head e.g. having a very traditional funeral for someone who wasn’t traditional themselves.

Or perhaps he thought he was being mindful of his siblings and their feelings. However close you are, the dynamic can be different with just siblings rather than siblings and their partners so it might also have been a case of not knowing what he’d be stepping into.

Sometimes being supportive is about being right there beside someone, other times it’s about stepping back and letting them do what they need to.

You’re grieving too but it’s a different type of loss to you, lean on friends if you feel you need that support yourself too.

Strawberrryfields · 12/09/2025 06:07

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 11/09/2025 20:57

Well no doubt your husbands mother ( who married in as isn’t a blood relative) is also not related either?

What a ridiculous comment to make about a wife who’s just lost her husband. Apples and oranges.

Notthatgameagain · 12/09/2025 06:14

That's awful. Of course you would be part of the family.

Volpini · 12/09/2025 06:15

Id like to think that in those circumstances I’d ask my husband what he wants and needs me to do . DH and his mother are not close, his brother lives on the other side of the world and we (and his mother) hear from him every few years. It’s a small and not close family.
Even in these circumstances, where I know he’d need me, I hope I’d be mindful of the people in his family who are grieving and what they need.
Grief is so personal and unique. I’ve learned to try and give grace to people in these circumstances. People are just not in their right mind and now is not the time to bring this up. There are months ahead in which to explore this if you feel there’s something there. Unless he’s routinely dismissive of your feelings and contribution, I think I’d probably let it go.
I would guess my own husband would want me with him to support him, but he’s also someone intensely private who needs space to process his own feelings. That doesn’t make him cold, and he isn’t disrespectful to me or my place in our family or what I do for the family and his family. It’s totally about what he and his mum would need at the time.
When my own mum’s time comes to pass, there was only even me and her - an intense unit. She’s intensely loving, dedicated, but stoic and private (husband is actually a lot like her, oddly enough!) I can imagine in a situation where she was dying (what a bloody hideous thing to think about) that it would be mostly me and her. That my kids who she adores would be there briefly and husband would be a support act, gophering. Not because he doesn’t belong or she doesn’t see us as family, but because she’s very private and I would imagine she will want to go out as she lived - with her feeling of what dignity looks like and as much privacy as possible.) Again, even in the case of my own mum, I’d like to think I’ll be thinking predominantly about her and her needs first. That said, in my grief I may end up being a monster - it’s hard to tell. This is why so many families and relationships break down at these moments. People behave bizarrely in grief.
Only you know your husband, and I don’t know the shape and size of his, but he may very well have been thinking about shielding his mum from loads of people in the house in the immediate aftermath and checking in what she wants, first albeit clumsily. The important thing I think to take from this is that your MiL absolutely sees you as family and wanted you there. Clumsily put by him, but I think his intention
and consideration was first with the needs of his bereaved mother, as it should have been. He could have expressed it better, but … just lost his dad.
Lots of love to you, in your own grief. I’m sorry for your loss.

autienotnaughty · 12/09/2025 06:16

Glad he came back for you. At least you know they see you as family and your dh got it wrong.

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