Treated like I’m not family

[MrsKnob]

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

I mean tbh when my mum died it was just me, my dad and my sister but had dh or dds wanted to be there I would have been fine with it .
I would let it go due to him just lost a parent, I’d be curious if any other in laws went though. And if similar happened again in a different situation I’d definitely address it.

When my FIL died I would have done anything that my wife asked me to. We're our own family, but I'm not that family, and never will be.

When my father died my wife would also have done anything, but I needed her far away from the death to look after other things which I couldn't deal with. She missed my father's funeral and whilst it was sad for both of us, it is exactly what was needed at the time.

Do you do wife work regarding his family? Well don't! Why do you do it in the first place? You aren't related to his Father though are you? His sperm didn't make you and you didn't grow up with him. Having spouses there changes the dynamic. They just want to grieve without putting on a show for you. I don't think I would go if it was my in laws.

Whilst siblings and remaining parent might want an immediate huddle, which frankly I could totally understand and would facilitate, your husbands need to be so nasty would be my concern.

Have a think OP, because if he has form then you are very silly to be doing wife work.
Its a mugs game.
Drop that rope.
No discussion nor conversation about it.
Just drop it.

I would be rethinking marriage too to someone who spoke like that to me.

Over the years I have had a few friends who were told that by in-laws and each and everyone of them lived to regret it.
The remained polite but never made them so much as a cup of tea again.
Their husbands were very irritated by it as they knew their wives meant business and wouldn't back down.
Your family, you sort out.
As their parents have aged, that has been 100% on the men to sort out, which with only sons has been a headache for them.

She's a wife of 17 years.

My DH was absolutely there when my DF died, as was my BiL, both of whom had been very close to my dad.

My DH and my BiL visited my father at the end and we went back to the hospital as he died as did grown-up DGC.

We are all family

Aw that's awful.
He isn't treating you well, is he.

His father just died. If he didn’t pick his words perfectly, you need to forgive him.

if he is going to be with his mother who just lost her husband, the reality is that you don’t belong there. The group that gathers in the first hours isn’t the whole family or even the whole core family. It will be her children and maybe at a push some grandchildren. She doesn’t need a house full of people.

There is a hierarchy of connectedness and family.

If I were an unmarried sibling, I’d probably be pissed off if my sister’s husband wanted to be at every family occasion, every event, with our parents.

There are times when family means the small group who have known each other from birth.

If the spouse of a family member started disagreeing on arrangements for the funeral, choice of hymns or whatever, I’d probably rise to the bait. Offer suggestions and support? Absolutely. Expect an equal vote? No sorry.

So there’s a hierarchy. In-laws can potentially come and go. Siblings and parents, less so. You don’t get a whole new set if you split up and remarry.

I don’t find it strange at all but I suppose it depends on your family dynamics.

DH and I had been together about 15 years when my FIL died. Only immediate family went over. It didn’t cross my or DH’s mind that I’d go as well.

I went to the funeral but everything else was very much immediate family only which suited us all just fine.

By the same token I couldn’t imagine DH going over to my parents as and when one of them dies. It would be a bit weird.

To be honest, I do actually understand that he/they might just want it to be actual relatives.

Me and DP's family get on fine, as he does with mine, but if things like that happened, unless he or I needed the other for support, I'm pretty sure we'd just want to go on our own.

Take a step back at the very least.. Get your ducks in a row and take him for every penny you can.
Wait til he gets any inheritance first....
He's shown his true colours hasn't he?

Thinking about my in-laws, who I get on well with (23 years married), I wouldn't have expected to have been be included when my mother-in-law died, other than attending the funeral, and would have felt very awkward seeing her body alongside her three surviving children.

Do you get on with his mum and the rest of the family that would be there OP?

I have lost both of my lovely parents. I know that grief. Your husband is being a tosser.

This and people can say things in a clumsy way in times of stress

Wow

I completely empathise with you. My mum cared for my dad’s mum when she got very sick. I can only imagine wanting to be there for my partner and child if my partner’s parents passed. I think you’re totes reasonable. Agree with others though now not the time. But it is very odd

None of my OHs family have ever really seen me as family.

Been barred from 'family only' funerals. I fiynd rhis upsetting at the time. We've been together over 27 years. But my family would absolutely count him as family.

Now, I accept it's just how it is; some families are odd on this stuff.

What a prat.
17 years married, you’re not welcome but teen dd is?
sod that shit.

my reaction and what I do in the coming days would depend on my relationship with my mil/how much I liked:cared for/respected her and FIL.

Time to reconsider that, surely?

My in laws put getting to their caravan on time above stopping with me and my tiny DD. It was the final straw.

I took a step back. MILs retirement looks more lonely. They don’t get the frequent pictures or updates they used to. I don’t invite them round or go out of my way for them.
it’s all on DP.

They have yet to realise that their relationship with DD will be significantly restricted if they don’t have a relationship with her parents.

His father has just died. Right now he’s probably grieving and focusing on supporting his mum. You don’t need to make things more difficult by trying to make this about you. Perhaps that’s linked to why you aren’t wanted right now.

I have always been incredibly close to his whole family. I’m no contact with my family, so his family have always been there for me. I have been the one driving father in law to hospital appointments and getting shopping for them as well as checking in with them daily to see how they are.

Also the thing is they do see me as family. We were together years before we got married as well. They have been more like parents to me than in-laws. I understand my dh was grieving though. It’s just in those moments I always find people say what they really mean, rather than finding a polite way to put things.