Treated like I’m not family

[MrsKnob]

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

Wow. My inlaws very much see me as family. My mum passed away recently and my MIL made a proper fuss of me when I had a big birthday, it was lovely. I would be sad to lose either PIL.

He’s grieving.

His father has just died. His choice of words was hurtful but he possibly just meant immediate family at that time.

When my mum died I know I only had the headspace to manage mine and ds emotions.

I'm sorry for all of your losses but unless there’s a whole background of abusive behaviour would allow this one to slide and talk about it at a later date.

Obviously his mum sending him back means she was happy to have extended family.

But please don’t ruin an otherwise hood relationship (if it is) based on a grieving spouses immediate reaction not being perfect.

There are some massive over reactions on this thread.

It would be completely normal not to go and see family if PIL dies in many cases. I’d feel incredibly awkward being there under those circumstances as would DH if it were my parents.

Not everyone has a closely blended extended family. My DP and PIL all live close by but don’t know each other. Equally DH and I aren’t really close at all with our respective PIL. We very much deal with our own parents and that’s about it other than the odd pleasantry.

Hanging around them at the point of a bereavement would be very weird for either of us as simply wouldn’t happen.

I’m sorry 💕 I feel the same way, we’ve been married for 26 years and my in laws are all lovely, but they clearly don’t consider me family. It used to upset me as they consider their other DIL close family but not me, but now I just let them get on with it. She can look after them when they’re old lol.

I should have realised the writing was on the wall when my BIL got married, and my kids and partner were pulled into all the photos, and I was excluded even from the big one. And they did all the photos - each individual family group etc. - just without me.

When my FIL died we all went over though. I get the idea of it just being siblings, but then if my father was dying, the person I'd want near me for support is my partner (or would have been, until he became an ex) so there's definitely a disconnect there.

This.

When my mil died. Me and the other sil went up with our partners, but when it came to viewing the body, we both spontaneously felt this was a blood family moment and stayed outside and I know it was appreciated.

The relationship you have with your pil is in almost all cases less than the one you have with your parents, and having time for just siblings can be important.

Try not go get too upset by this. His dad had literally just died, it's a time when people do strange things.
But at the same time, I'd be upset also.

Well it wasn’t phrased very well, but I can kind of understand this. When my mum died, my DH offered to come with me (my mum lived abroad), but I didn’t want him there. I wanted to be with my brother and my mum’s sister and husband. Similarly my brother told his DW not to come. I appreciate this is a different scenario in that no one was travelling abroad, but I wouldn’t have wanted my DH or my SIL there to be honest. And for want of trying to find the right words to explain that, I guess “family only” sounds harsh, but is also reflective of how I felt. I didn’t want to be thinking about anyone else, I just wanted to be with those closest to my mum. My DH was fine about this - whilst he was fond of my mum, he would only have been coming to offer support to me. And I didn’t need his support as I had my brother. My brother’s DW was a bit miffed (no change there then!) and when he said he didn’t need the support, she said she had also loved my mum and wanted to be there for herself. To grieve. Which is a fairly typical response to make it all about her!

I guess if a partner wants to be there, I would be asking why: Support for the spouse? (Don’t need it). For themselves to grieve? (not your parent. Leave it to the siblings to grieve together, your opportunity to grieve will come later, this isn’t about you).

That’s just how I felt when it was my parent who died. I’m not saying it’s correct. Just that I do understand.

Ouch. That's terrible.
I split with my ex 10 months before hos dad died. I didn't see him at the hospital cos I had the kids and felt it was appropriate that he was with his Dad.
I was mentioned as his daughter in law at his funeral, I was in the front row, and actually my MIL has involved me with more than her son. She's of the opinion that she's been there for me since I was a teenager and she loves me so she's not losing me because of her sons stupidity.
And I guess that benefits her too, because she gets to see the kids 2-3 times a week, we share dinners, we go on holidays together, we take the kids swimming together. She gets regular video chats with the boys, and she's always welcome to anything that's happening.

They lose out in the long run if you're seen that way. Pull back. No more wife work where the ILs are concerned.

“WashableVelvet · Yesterday 20:36

I don’t feel I’m related to my in laws. And I can imagine if my parent died, preferring to just be with my own family members not my siblings’ partners etc.”

There is obviously a spread of views on this. DH and i had DCs before we got married. I felt like i was related to my now PILs as soon as our first was born. If they were her grandparents and i was her mother then to me that made us family. But we’ve always got on very well which probably helps.

He passed away st home with family but yiur DH wasn’t there? Do you think that maybe some feelings about the above came into play

but he just lost his father grief doesn’t just make you say the truth or things you mean it can also make you say things out of anger and spite

he had just lost his father and that really is all there is to it

So they didn't treat you like you're not family?

OP, the question is why he felt the need to be so nasty.
That doesn't come from nowhere.
It is unwise to ignore it too.
When you love someone you aren't deliberately nasty to them.
You clearly have been a great support, yet he felt that need to be unkind?

Sadly I 100% believe those who do too much, are rarely appreciated.

I can understand the hurt that you’re feeling, OP. Condolences on your loss.
It’s interesting that quite a few posters on here have said that in the event of their own parent dying, they wouldn’t really want their siblings’ partner around immediately after. So maybe it’s a natural (albeit a bit selfish) instinct that most of us would like our own partner there for our own comfort, but not our siblings’ partners. So maybe your husband was looking at the wider picture ie he was thinking of his siblings too and trying to keep it limited.
in my opinion, it would really depend on the dynamic of each family - all are different of course. However, it sounds like your in-laws have been a true family for you, and I’m sorry that you weren’t invited to be there with them at this time. I hope that when the dust has settled, you can talk to your husband about this, and i hope he will explain himself in a way that reassures you.
x

Thank goodness. I hope that put him in his place. How dare he?

Please don't take it to heart. When my mother was dying of cancer, my father said to me: You take charge of your mother as you are the only family she has (she came from elsewhere). Well, you have only been married to her for 65 years, so what are you then, if not family? He was a man of extremes, sometimes wonderful and sometimes foul. Go by the general behaviour of your partner over the years you have know him and most of all how he treats you and your daughter now. If he is cruel, then of course rethink, but, if a blip, let it go. People can say strange things.

If he was resentful he could always have taken over driving his dad to appointments, sorting their shopping, and checking in on them daily. He can’t have it both ways - if he was going to be resentful, he needed to step up.

I'd probably expect that if this was a partner that I had been dating for a couple of months,not a wife of 17 years 😔😮At least you know where you stand now. 😔

Same thing happened to my mum after grandpa died. It was coming from my grandma. As the grandkid (I was already married by then), I can tell you it was a complete betrayal and hurt so badly.

I'm so sorry for firstly your loss and secondly what has happened. That is truly awful of your DH.

Kindly, at this time, things are not all about you and your feelings. Remember circles of support. You are on a more outer circle than your husband is as son. Your job is to provide inner circles with comfort and support.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband's words are appalling; grief is no excuse.

I'd be stopping all the wife work, though. You're not family? You're done.

I think it’s a bizarre viewpoint, to defend his. Fair enough if he wanted to go alone and be with his mum and adult siblings, but the idea he would take your daughter and tell you that you’re not family is absolutely ridiculous.

They were more than happy to let her be the main circle of support when they needed someone to drive their dad to hospital and doctor appointments and look after him.

Stop with the 'kindly remember they're grieving' shit. So is OP.

Who do they think they are, the royal family ?
Of course you should have been expected as you are family & hopefully your father-in-law knew how much you cared for him ❤️

As for what to do now. Try & seperate your grief from loss from your upset over being offended as you don't want to descend into a spiral of emotions you can't get out of & try to offer up your condolences to other family members like siblings, mother-in-law ect. As they'll probably wonder where you were at some point once their own shock wears off.