Treated like I’m not family

[MrsKnob]

Wise mumsnetters please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

my father in law has just sadly just passed away, he was at home with his family, and died peacefully. We are all devastated as you can imagine.

when he found out him and my 13 year old daughter have rushed over to in laws house to be with family. I got up to go with them and he told me it’s better if I stay home, when pushed he said because I’m not related/ family.

im absolutely devastated and fuming at the same time. Am I being unreasonable.

No. This isn’t what OP is saying.

I’d cut her husband some slack because his father has died, but it was still a devastating thing for him to say and do.

Unfortunately this had to be about them. Siblings and wife. I went to support in the hours after my FIL died but wasn’t there when he was dying (even though I had been there for weeks) due to respect to my brother in law incase it made him self conscious in his grieving. I am close to them all but not siblings or parent. I think it is best left to ‘core’ family. I also don’t think you can ‘judge’ him on this or ever mention it. His dad has just died so give him the grace to have misjudged it. If it’s a theme then pick one of the other examples or actions. Seriously not this one xx

I would be very hurt and very upset/angry by what your DH said and did, OP. Thank goodness his mum asked for you.

I'd leave it for now, but I would be thinking about what I wanted my future life to look like. If, in the future, you became incapacitated, would your DH be there for you, or not do anything to help because you're 'not family'?

I am sorry for your loss.

I think you have every right to be hurt given all you have done for the family. Not every PIL/DIL relationship is close but you really stepped up.
Fair enough if he wanted or felt he needed to go alone but him taking your DD and insisting you stay behind was hurtful.

I think this is a 'wait and see" moment. yes it might be a grief reaction and it might not. Has he done shit like this before?

I was about to disagree with you because I love my brothers’ partners and I know they would want them there as support, as I would my husband. But DH and I can’t stand BILs partner so I wonder if it would feel like she was intruding…although DH wouldn’t care, he’s very good at letting that stuff wash over him and think about what is important.

I would be upset in the OPs situation - I love my in laws, consider them a second set of parents, and would be devastated if they died

That's how it worked with us. DH and his brothers clung together when their parents died. My brother's and I when our father died. Respective partners were there in the background for a time.

How hurtful. I can’t imagine this. Whilst she irritated the heck out of me I was very much MILs family. I was never excluded from anything, even in the broader family, and spent lots of time looking after and visiting her in her final years. I was with her holding her hand just before she passed (DH wasn’t). Was similarly close to BIL, and viewed his body with DH.
My adult DCs long term partners are also welcome to everything family related.

I’m guessing that DH was speaking for himself not his family. He wanted to be just with his mum, siblings and DD at this time. Perhaps he wants to keep you for himself as he grieves. At some point you need to talk about it but not yet. And don’t blame the wider family for something DH said. Offer to be with them as much as they want.

Sorry I think its really weird. As a DiL I can't imagine NOT doing over to see MiL with my DH if something happened to FiL.
Obviously I wouldn't expect to be there when things are being sorted, thats down to his wife and kids but I'd be there to support him, hold the fort at home etc but to be told you are not family after 17yrs of marriage is just downright nasty and rude, and a bereavement doesn't make that happen. That thought is 'there' and obviously what he believes.
I'd give him some space due to the death but that would be a serious conversation with definite boundaries put in place after.

Yes I agree. I have experienced enough death to know that some people go inwards and prefer to grieve with those directly related.

In this situation the husband may feel like that and so may the other related members of the bereaved family.

I would support my husband in this and he has supported me in the way I asked for during the death of both my parents.

OP can choose to be offended and throw her marriage away if she wishes but unless her marriage is in trouble already that would be a sad response to her grieving husband.

Wow, years together and 17 years married and you are not family? Guess you now know how your husband feels about you. Given he’s grieving I’d defo park this for now op. I would be bringing it up for a serious chat at some point for sure. A very hurtful remark that was hopefully not meant the way it sounded and was blurted out in grief. Hopefully..

I would be so hurt if my DH said that to me after 17 years but I wouldn't act on it straight away. I would wait a while, let the dust settle. He definitely shouldn't have said it infront of DD so I would also want to see if either of them say anything about it, your DH may realise what he said was hurtful and said in shock. I would need time to decide if that comment changed the way I feel about the marriage.

Your DH doesn’t want you there because he doesn’t want to be reminded that you’ve been a better daughter to his father than he has been a son. He’s been quite happy for you run his dad to hospital appointments etc and do all the work. And now he realises it’s too late to make it up and be a good son. He doesn’t want you in the room when his mum tells you how good you’ve been to them all and be made to feel guilty he has let the family and himself down. He wants to control the narrative.

Seems to me that a lot of people have overlooked the part when the DH's mum asked where OP was. His stopping OP from going to her ILs is all on her DH. Did you not read the part where OP does a lot for ILs?

@MrsKnob whether he’s in shock or not there’s no reason for this kind of arseholey behaviour, if he doesn’t consider you to be family what the hell is he doing with you?

Did he tell her you aren't family?

I was the one who sat with mil as she took her last breath. Of course we're family. Your dh sounds very odd.

The wording wasn't ideal, but they're bereaved and I also get how they might just want biological family there.

That was my thought. Maybe he should have been more present instead of leaving it to his wife?

It’s difficult as I know some people are close to their in-laws but I think you’re your DHs family but not really his FILs family.

That doesn’t mean you don’t matter but that it’s not the same as a direct parent.

Bless your MIL.
At least you know this is entirely a husband problem - you're good enough to work for his parents, but must stand back at 'family time'?

I agree 100%. Don't make this an issue or about you OP.
If there other issues in your marriage, address them seperately, and well after this sad time.
Edited after reading your update - your MIL sounds lovely, and I'm glad she has included you. I still wouldn't make a deal of it with DH.

Absute rubbish. Even MIL asked where she was!!

No just her DH.

bless her, at least she knows what family really means.

You can't really do anything about it now OP, as anything you say will forever be held over you as you making your FIL death all about you. But I would be incredibly hurt by what he said, his family did want you there, so why would he purposely exclude you?

Do you have a good relationship with DH usually? Or is there a lot of resentment under the surface?

Have a long hard think about where you stand in his estimation and whether you are happy to stay there.