Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

It is true that she is being unreasonable. However, it sounds like he is the one putting his children's needs first, and she is not. There will be consequences to this in the long run.
Any attempt to fights her to make her agree a more equitable arrangement will be spun negatively in a way as to hurt the children though, telling them that neither parent really wants them. So that is not the fight to have. His children need to know that he loves them to bits and treasures every minute with them. If he needs to ask for some flexibility from work or some support from his side of the family or to buy in a small amount of paid childcare just so that he can have some headspace, that is ok. However, he doesn't need to be doing active fun things with the kids whenever they are with him, having kids around whenever you are off work including when you are trying to relax and recover from a difficult day at work is a perfectly normal part of life as a parent.

Yeah I’m fine thanks. Shame the same can’t be said for you

You sound quite unhinged, dear
Imagine getting that het up over something that’s not actually happening in your life 🤣🤣

I was in a very similar position in that my ex had the same kind of job (not police exactly but similar public sector) non-negotiable shifts, annual leave could only be approved if minimum staffing levels were maintained, working weekends and all public holidays, anti social hours, shift start and finish times outside childcare hours, couldn't even easily contact as it was a phone free workplace.
Is I knew this when we were together and for me to expect suddenly options to become available to him when we split that weren't there when we were together was unrealistic. Yes I suppose he could have changed jobs but it would have undermined the financial security he needed to provide a home for himself, support our child etc and that also wasn't in the best interests of anyone.

Realistically if your brothers ex can't change her mindset and he can't change his job they are just setting themselves up for conflict and frustration. I definitely opted for an amicable co-parenting relationship and acceptance of the situation rather than battles that no one could win, even if it did mean I was assumed to be the default parent.

No love. You’re the one who sounds unhinged I’m afraid. Imagine trying to start a fight with a stranger on the internet 🤣🤣🤣 fucking hell you must be bored

If he doesn't like it, the solution would be to go to court and try to get an order for what he does want.

Then he's got some back up if she wants to change things on him.

But in order to get some ad hoc free days for himself, he'd have to see the kids less. As far as I can see, if she isn't willing to compromise with him, then those are the options left - live with it as it is, or go to court to get a different arrangement, accepting that that will mean he sees the kids less.

There are many jobs where you can't just 'book a day off'!

Also - she's sacrificed having a career with better prospects, for work that means she is at work while DC are at school.

go back and read your comment.
You were rude. You were Personal and more to the point.
And here you are getting yourself in a right old tiss It’s hilarious

She has been minding the children all this time while he's been building his career. Does she have a career?

And this is the point isn’t it? Everybody is supposed to run around wiping the jacksy of the very important big man.

Including his mother, apparently 🙄

OP, I am sympathetic to your brother as I am to any parent whose career and childcare arrangements are not necessarily compatible. But this is where men lose my sympathy completely:

the issue is, he cant have a day, and she constantly texts him saying hes shit for not having his kids more, while he couldn’t physically have them more than he is in his circumstances, he literally cant.

He can. He just won't. Because he won't make that sacrifice. He won't ask for a change in shift pattern - which I GUARANTEE is what female police officers do, all the time. He won't accept a slower career progression. No, his career comes first and someone else (a woman - in this case his ex) must just step up and sort it around him.

It makes me incredibly angry.

Yes, it's SHIT when you have to take the hit becuase you have children. But it is what it is and it's what many many women do all the time. Men just seem to think it's optional while women know it's not.

This is where you and he are wrong in your thinking.

Men who see their children every other weekend are shit parents.

The default starting position is 50/50 - so your brother should be having his children 7 nights in every fortnight, i.e. 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next week, plus fortnightly 7 mornings before school/nursery, 7 afternoons and evenings after school/nursery, and one full day every weekend.

He should change his job to make this happen - either change his contract with his current employer, or change jobs.
He should also move back to be near where the children live and if necessary claim Universal Credit.
If he has them truly 50% of the time, then he shouldn't have to pay CMS, or should pay a minimal amount.

If he is not doing his 50%, his ex has every right to be angry with him.

Her arrangements with her mother are not relevant.

His car costs are not really her problem. Who needs a car costing £300/month when you cant afford to house your children.
Would petrol really cost £200/month if he was living closer to kids/school?

These situations are difficult for everyone. But why is his career the priority? Hers is rubbish, yes, but what chance has she got of bettering it if shes having to work around his shifts and he picks and chooses when he has the kids.

You say he has no support, but you're in here fighting his battles and your Mum is housing him. Would neither of you babysit occasionally for a night out? If so then there's an easy solution - he doesn't go out.

CMS can also reduce to the level specified, especially if he needs the extra money for childcare on his days.

He's not on minimum wage is he?
Hes used to his ex being the one to make sacrifices, but she doesn't have to continue to do that for him now they're not together.

Forgot to add:

The times and nights that each parent has the DC should be set in stone, i.e. absolutely fixed, not chopped and changed and swapped around to suit one parent.
This is so the children and the ex both know where they stand and know what to expect - especially important as they get a bit older and need a stable routine.
The ex should be able to plan her life knowing when she does and doesn't have the DC.

Changeable shift patterns are just not a suitable job for a separated parent.

He obviously needs to change his job or go part time, like any other single parent would have to do.

Yeah it would be great for them to live in one bedroom with their father coming and going at all hours.

I think that the best way of seeing what is fair, is by working out whether he would be happy to switch places with the ex. Would he have a better or worse deal?

So, imagine that the ex moved an hour in the other direction and took up shift work. She offered to have the kids every other weekend, Monday night plus one other week night to fit round her schedule. She used her 4 week’s holiday to look after the kids, but wasn’t willing to split the kids holiday 50/50. She gave him £600 a month but he would have to move out your mums and into a 2/3 bed house to house them and pay for any childcare he needs to work.

Would life be easier or harder for your brother? Would it be easier or harder to have a career? More or less free time? More or less money?

If the answer is that life would be harder your brother should stop moaning and trying to cancel his parenting days, and be more supportive of his ex.

This doesn’t tend to always be the problem.

Women fits in her work around the shared children.

Man just works his work. Because wife will be default pick up the slack parent.

Couple split. Man expects no change to his work or lifestyle. Gets mad women won’t just keep fitting in everything around his schedule.

Both parents need jobs that work around having their children or to provide their own childcare. She’s not his wife anymore it’s not her job to make sure she flexes to his work schedule. That’s partner perks.

Now whether she’s a pain in the arse or not get lots of childcare via her mum is irrelevant really. Him having his children for upto 50% to do equal parenting means he needs to sort his own shit. Would also mean no maintenance.

How would he suddenly cope if she decided she wanted to be a EOW parent. He would have to change his work.

Being a parent doesn’t stop just because you split with your partner. Why shouldn’t he be responsible for them 50% of the time?

If he wants time to himself whilst it’s his custody time he should sort childcare not expect to just tell their mum he wants a day off so she should drop everything and have them.

You say he lives an hour away from them, who moved away from who after the split?

While I sympathise that shift working makes things more difficult, are you sure that the police doesn’t offer any flexibility to parents? It may limit his promotion opportunities but I bet that many women officers ask and have some sort of flexible or predictable working pattern allowed.

He’s a parent of young children- it’s normal to be at work or have the kids. A day off is a fantasy for many - can your mum look after the kids to help him get a few hours?

It sounds like the ex is trying to get him to pull his weight in an unreasonable way (shaming) but in 2025 many men have 50% custody which is obviously ideal for the kids. The money not spent on CMS would go to other costs like wrap around or living closer to the school. (I definitely feel sorry for the kids having to get up so early on Monday)

He could go down the deadbeat route of reducing his time with the kids so he has more free time but he’ll pay the price later.

Btw CMS is a legal minimum. Many NRP pay CMS plus extras like half of uniform/school dinners/school trips , a phone contract, pocket money or an extra curricular to benefit their child.

You were rude and you are continuing to be rude and to attack me personally which will get you banned on this site.

None of your business, OP. Keep out of it.

So her Mum helps her on her time sometimes? Can your Mum/ parents help him out at all? Can you?

I think what the two of them need is a clear childcare schedule - there are quite of “about”s on your OP which suggests there’s a bit of chopping and changing going on, which isn’t good for anyone.

Sunday nights to oneself are absolute gold before the working week, so I can see why that’s a bone of contention. My exh ducked out of Sunday nights very quickly after our split. So I can see her point.

Edit - But also I’d say, stay out of it unless you are simply offering help.