Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

Sounds like he's lucky that his ex is providing childcare to cover his shifts?

Most parents have their children whenever they're not working, I do.

If I want time off from them I ask my mum to have them or I pay a babysitter, can't he do that?

Maybe you and he should spend more time supporting each other then instead of moaning about his ex? His inability ot organise his life shouldn't be her problem. He's just lucky she doesn't insist on 50/50 - and if he really thinks two nights per week makes him an exceptionally good father then he really needs to take a long, hard look at himself.

But hes doing what he can, he can’t physically have them more than he has them? That would be child neglect as nobody would be there to care for them? Shes angry about things that basically hes not willing to change a career, whereby he does have his kids in the week and weekends, will have security through progression, be able to afford to pay higher CMS and even higher in the next few years, have a solid pension & get on the property ladder and offer security for his children, thats how he sees it.

shes been on the same minimum wage job since she was 18, and he is ultimately staying in this line of work, to be able to provide and I agree with him on that? Thats not me saying her job is rubbish but its not enough to provide for them in the long run, my job is similar and I rely on my partners job security as the main basis of my childrens financial security

He cant pay for a babysitter, its abit more complicated than that he lives in my mums spare room!

I’m a police officer OP, and your brother absolutely could make changes to his work schedule, if working nights means he is unable to see his children then he would 100% be able to request to alter his shifts, and they would allow it.

I definitely think he needs to figure out a way to move closer to where the kids live though, that sort of commute isn’t really practical for any of them.

I would probably also suggest mediation might be a good idea if they’re finding it difficult to communicate with each other.

when you say she wants him to get a different job, I presume she means she wants him to request a different role within the police that might allow for more overnights?

for what it’s worth, my ex (also a police officer) also loves to go about the raw deal he gets as he has our DC most of his days off, but that’s because I’ve made HUGE changes to my shift pattern to allow me to do as much as I can for DC whilst still working more or less full time, I barely ever need to ask anyone for help because I’ve changed my schedule so much, ex has no intention of doing the same and refuses to even talk about it, so the upshot is that he won’t change his schedule at all which means the only time he really ever can have DC is his days off. Not at clear cut as it might first appear.

Does he pay half of nursery?

That’s not his exs problem is it

Sounds like mum needs to start being a proper parent too - instead of protecting her child free time. Sounds like dad ieither has the kids or is at work and mum has days when she's not working or having the kids. That's unfair

Well yes, she will be stuck in that position - a career is a common sacrifice when you decide to have children but you seem to think only she should have to make that sacrifice. What decade do we live in where a woman's place is to look after the kids and a man doesn't have to do his share? I thought we knew better now.

What if something were to happen to her and he had to have the kids more or even full time? He'd have to make it work then somehow. Essentially this is the same. They are not together anymore, she is no longer obliged to facilitate his career or anything else in his personal life. As the father of the children, if you make them you should be prepared to do your share, which strictly is half. He's getting off lightly here. If he doesn't like that then he should have used protection.

It's definitely his mum's problem though 😂

What an absolute prince!!

Also what happens to her in 18 years, when she's still earning pitance because she's put her career on hold and the child maintenance stops. She needs to stop prioritising him and start looking after her

I'd delete this thread OP your brother will be deemed the lowest scum there is.
Be ready for mantra mumsnet.
"Mums are fab and dad's are shit"
And they brook no argument 🤦‍♀️

Sounds like you have your own thread @Gingernessy just screaming to get out 😆

The difficulty here is that he expects her to accommodate his shifts, rather than looking for other childcare. Essentially, he's treating her as 'default parent'.

Why did they split up?

Am I being daft or is it not four nights? Every weekend, a night in the week and Monday night? I have had a long day and am a bit hard of thinking so could be missing something here......

Ikr, these comments 😂

Why don't you and your brother do a childcare swap to give each other some childfree time?

Expecting to just have the children according to his shifts instead of on a fixed schedule makes it very difficult for her to make plans. It also means she has to pay for childcare that she doesn’t necessarily use just to guarantee it is available.

he also doesn’t live close enough to do the school runs.

this situation is not sustainable.

there are countless parents with demanding jobs who figure out a way to manage their parenting responsibilities. Women always seem to make it happen. Just because he is a man doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of doing this.

he needs to move closer and if he wants to keep the flexibility, he could pay for his share of the childcare which would go a long way to making that system work better.

This 100%. He can't expect her to pick up days he can't do - they're separated. If he was a single parent he'd need to make it work, that's how he needs to act.

He is the unreasonable one here imo

No thats not the problem at all, they are in full time childcare the days she works, she lives on the doorstep of the school and works from home.

the issue is, he cant have a day, and she constantly texts him saying hes shit for not having his kids more, while he couldn’t physically have them more than he is in his circumstances, he literally cant.

if hes to move closer, he needs to be making substantial money to be able to afford to live in anything but a room share, in which he wouldnt be able to have them overnight.

if he had them more and paid for a babysitter, shed get no CMS / we are talking night shifts

like the question is nobody knows what the fuck she wants, its like she wants him to have them 90% of the time and anything less he is called a bad parent but when you factor in when they are at school she has them less

A 1 bedroom flat is no less than £900-1000
CMS £500
Bills £300
Car £300
commute £200 (petrol)

like its that easy! Hes not on a high wage, hes police hes going through the grades etc with every year increases etc

4 nights a week it sounds like.

She should be the one paying maintenance if that’s the case.

he can’t physically have them more than he has them? That would be child neglect as nobody would be there to care for them?

Nobody would be there to care for them when she is at work either, but she has sorted out childcare so she can work. Maybe he needs to do that on his days...

I think your confused

they are at school and nursery, funded
the argument isnt around when she is working, its around her free time, her working hours are covered by school and nursery?

I'd suggest mediation where they can look at whats best for the children rather than them being ferried about to make a point. He needs to actively do things to improve the situation either saving for his own place, requesting flexible working etc he has a pretty good reason when it involves parenting children. Most people I know who work shifts rely on other family to help so if he doesn't have that he should really look at changing hours