Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

I am slightly confused by the post as I can’t work out if he has 50/50 with her mum helping one day a week or only 2 nights.

regardless it isn’t her job anymore to work around his personal life or career. They are separated so their only obligation is to the children.

I (female for what’s it’s worth) worked full time in an unsociable job which meant I was either working or looking after DC and meant I saw no break for months on end. My ex worked 9-5, full time and we shared 50/50.
The fact his job fit around nursery and then school giving him free nights/weekend off was not his problem for the fact I had no time.

likewise, when I changed jobs 18 months later (from a job with greats prospects and that I loved to a plateau type )he started a pattern of trying to drop responsibilities when it didn’t quite suit him. For instance, he would have to work late in an evening and would message me the day before to tell me he couldn’t have DC. I never gave in (and kicked off) as I was no longer responsible for his lack of options. As the saying goes, ‘your inability to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part’.

he would also use the excuse I had help from my mum…but as my mum pointed out she is helping me, no obligation to help my ex.

sounds like she is already being reasonable working around his shifts. This must making planning her own life a nightmare.

i say this as 10 years post separation. Eventually each person needs to move on and do the best for their children and themselves. There is no obligation to help each other move on.

He would have to do what I did if he values a break…ask for help, pay for childcare of change his shifts/career.

ultimately, as others have said trying to work together in the long run is beneficial(maybe via mediation) We now have a relationship where we do swap and accommodate to help each other, but if we can’t then there is no issue and still no obligation.
no one takes the piss and the agreement works both ways

If he wants a night off he'll have to ask his mum or book a baby sitter. The ex uses her options too. Why should the ex have them longer so he can have a night off. This is what parenthood is about.

What job does she have which is only within school/nursery time and allows for her to travel to them?

It doesn't matter how she makes it work. She does make it work is the point and he has a responsibility to do the same. He cannot blame her for his awkward work hours, for his lack of family support or the fact that he has to pay to support his kids. It's not her fault or her duty to fix any of that.

Is their current custody split court mandated or is it what they've agreed between them?

You only see your kids every other weekend?

I’m starting to think this is a reverse as you’re turning on your brother pretty quick.

So if he has them 4 nights a week, why is he paying her £500 a week? That's more than 50%, hes the primary parent??

I'm curious what wage he is on after 10 years tbh, will admit im not totally familiar with the grades but I know two people who have been with the police slightly more/less than that time and they are both on 35-40k depending on night shifts. Maybe it's just the departments they are in. Has he looked at getting a cheaper car lease?

I actually don't know any men who do every other weekend. Most are similar to your brother they have their children whenever they arnt working because the mothers need to work aswell. It's tough but that's parenting the breaks are few and far between. One of my brothers has four children full time on his own and he literally never complains. I honestly don't know how he does it but he just accepts thats life and gets on with it.

He's already extremely lucky if she's largely ok with accommodating his shift patterns, rather than insisting on a fixed schedule.

If he wants a day 'off' during what should be his time, why doesn't he book an extra day at nursery for the DC? I know a few single mums who work 4 days but pay for 5 days of nursery so that they have a bit of time to themselves.

It's not awful as a parent to want a bit of a break sometimes, but a lot of us have to use paid childcare to get this. As for being at his mum's and not being able to have a babysitter there, there's no reason why a babysitter has to stay in the house with the kids. My regular babysitter will often take the kids out to the park or library if I need some time at home alone (though usually that's for unexpected work calls, rather than just because I want the house to myself!).

the children are in full time childcare also to facilitate his career - because his days off aren't fixed each week. Would he prefer an arrangement where she had them whenever he isn't at work, regardless of her own working pattern? Of course that would be ridiculous, so childcare for when she is at work is the only option for her, to ensure she can maintain employment, regardless of his shift pattern. The only alternative is to have a fixed arrangement that doesn't work with his shifts and would mean he has to pay for childcare on his set and she pays for childcare on hers, or changing his shift pattern or role. she is actually being reasonable by not pushing for this; her life would be easier to organise. The downside of him maintaining his career and making no change or sacrifice for this is a lack of downtime without caring for his children.

He needs to go back to CMS and submit every single night he has had them since the split. I would be surprised if he needs to pay her anything, given that they seem to be pretty close to 50/50 if he is having them every weekend and two nights in the week.

Sounds like she wants half the week free but still wants him to pay up and it doesnt work like that.

Would he not be better doing 50/50 amd getting a childminder if his days clash with his shifts. My childminder is open 7 days a week 7-7 and loads of police, NHS etc use them. He could offset the cost by reducing maintenance

He doesn’t sound like he sees 50:50 on equal terms as the starting point for what’s fair (and neither do you). He’s set things up to work around his work schedule. She has to set up her life around that instead of deciding what she’d like to do and him having to sort out everything that doesn’t work for her.

It’s true that he deserves some time to sort his life out too - has he considered getting his family to help out or getting some childcare in place like his ex has?

I agree the kicking off when he asks for flexibility is not great. Kids with separated parents do best when their parents can get on amicably and be flexible about arrangements. But he’s already doing less and insisting on a disruptive schedule, so maybe he needs to do a bit more of the giving bit of being flexible before he asks for something back?

Now he’s a single parent he needs new career. That’s what everybody else has to do to be quite honest.
My career wasn’t child friendly, so I got a new one

That’s not true at all, Just because he’s having 50-50 potentially does not mean that he won’t have to pay anything in child support.
Maybe less, but maybe not

Would it be better if he had his DC every other week for the week and sorted out childcare when he’s at work?

Thats as maybe but it certainly sounds like it needs revisiting.

OP’s posts aren’t that clear and I think people are misunderstanding the times the brother has the kids. I assume she means day time at the weekends (because he’s night shift) and two overnights in the week (on his days (nights) off). CMS works on overnights so he’ll be considered to have them c. 30% of time.

How does she afford to live in the expensive area in more than a 1 bed flat OP?

Neither of them can have it all - a stable career, time to themselves, and a fair share of childcare. She is sacrificing the career, he is sacrificing free time. That’s life.

Everything revolves around him at the moment and he’s expecting his ex to just work around what he wants. The only fair way of doing it is 50/50 with a set schedule. He lives in his mum’s spare room so if needed he could work part time to facilitate that, or ask for a different shift pattern. How he makes it work has nothing to do with the ex, if he needs to change jobs to a more parental friendly one he’ll have to do that. God knows women have to make such compromises all the time.

Why can’t you have the kids to help him out and he can reciprocate by having yours for you?
You say he has ‘not a soul’ to help him which is absolute rubbish. He has you for a start. He also lives with his mother. She can have them for him!!

Yeah, I'm finding a lot of the opinions here a bit mind boggling.....he seems to have his kids a lot of the time, live with his mum so he can pay over the odds CM despite having them overnight a lot,and he's getting flamed. Everyone needs a day off sometimes.

I expect his mum is already furious that she feels compelled to have him in her spare room, coming and going at all hours and with two young kids. Expecting her to look after them on top of that?!

No one to help babysit occasionally, yet he lives with his mummy and has a sibling arguing his case on MN?

It's easy to be loyal to our family, but it sounds like she just wants a bit of equality. They've had children, seemingly in a relationship and taken on that responsibility together which should be equal. Now she's on her own, earning minimum wage in a full time job living in an expensive area while doing 70% of the parenting. You honestly can't see why she's a bit pissed off with him? £500 doesn't go very far so I'm not sure he deserves a big pat on the back for this either when he'll have very little outgoings.

If neither of you have much help, can't you help each other to get some downtime?

Those poor kids.
Is this really best for the kids?
Mediation maybe the way forward.