Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

He literally cant have them when hes working, he does night shifts etc, hes worked 10 years to build a career

… 2 nights a week, exactly what I said🤣

If he wants time off his already limited time with his own kids then he can do what every other parent would have to do- pay a babysitter.

But yeah she wants him to get a different job

Parents (usually the woman) often have to make career sacrifices for their children. He isn’t doing 50/50

Do you think no other parent has a career OP?😂 he will have to do what every other parent does and pay for childcare to cover his working days.

about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.
anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

So they have an arrangement in place which works around work schedules, which you say is fine. If he needs a break then he needs to be asking you, family or friends for childcare the same way the ex asks her mum when she needs help

Yeah i agree, I have kids the same age & sometimes Im like god shutup and crack on like we all have to etc, hes not complaining about seeing them, the issue is that if he says he is working one day and cant have them, pre arranged with her, she will still ask him the day before, and then kick off about it, but this has happened only on two occasions where he has to go to court for work

Focus on your own, extensive, shit Op
and leave your brother to deal with his

Yeah see I think this is the issue, because hes shifts change, every month, it causes issues with what she wants etc, and what works for her and the kids & im constantly seething about how I get no help, neither of us do (same family 😂) i dont agree with him about him paying too much money, like you live with our mum just pay it

I think if the genders were reversed answers might be different. It sounds like he is having them 50-50 if it's every weekend + Monday + another night in the week - that's not two nights a week that's four. I would absolutely ask for family help though rather than wanting the ex to have her because it'll give her reason to say he's not prioritising the child.

Surely if he wants a day off, he just books a day off work?

I can only speak of my circumstances in which, my other half has a career i have an entry level admin job, she has the same part time - my other hald get paid triple what I do, ultimately my job is childs play

i hate it

I can’t believe some of these responses. It must be hard for her to navigate shifts, but he is also allowed to have a night off, especially as it sounds as though she has a lot of free time.

He needs to have fixed days apply for flexible working from the police
reduce CMS to what it’s calculated and pay for childcare if he needs

Right so he can pay for a babysitter?

Im slightly confused by them to, they are effectively 40:50, as her mum does have ALOT overnight and in the days, she gets significantly more time, its the hard time he gets, the shame for wanting 1 day off a month, to sort his own shit out etc.

2 occasions where he should be sorting care out himself, not still relying on her. She's no longer his partner, it's no longer up to her to put herself out to support him in his career. If he needs to work or change days he needs to sort it out, it's not up to her to pick up the pieces of his life.

He uses holiday days to help with the kids, he does work alot - so he will use them for holidays etc like everyone else does

What her mum is doing is none of your business. It's not her mum's job to help your brother out. This is additional support she has arranged when she needs it. If your brother needs support HE needs to sort it out

Everyone we know sees their kids every other weekend, in hes eyes he is

This is the issue though, she wants him to do that, like when hes working nights etc BUT he has no support, neither do I.

I mean not a soul

It’s really not ….🫠

Right, and how is he facilitating her career exactly? It sounds like she manages to organise herself around whatever her work needs are, despite having to adapt to his shift changes every month. Why shouldn't he do the same?

Then he pays for care. It isn't (or shouldn't be) her problem to sort out. He's a grown adult, his poor ex shouldnt be having to change plans to accommodate his career.

It sounds like she’s already been quite flexible by working around his shift pattern and he’s doing less than 50% of the week. He needs to lean into his own support network (family or friends) or use childcare.

What did his employer say when he tried to put a flexible working request in at work?