Is she being unreasonable? Parental childcare split.

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my brothers ex, who they share a baby and 4 year old with - is really getting him down.

he works really long shifts at the police, she has his work schedule from when they were together & so he has them every single day that hes not working, about 3 times a week and 2 over nights which is fine.

anytime hes asked for a day off, hes met with attitude and shamed. But, her mum has them also once a week and helps frequently.

he pays £500 a month, £200 over what CMS say.
and also pays for them, clothes and activities etc of course when he has them

he lives an hour away, but hes very devoted, he comes frequently at random to collect 4 year old from school etc. he recently said that the monday morning 5:45 wake up to get ready for school on time with the commute is impacting 4 year old, and he was met with being shamed, saying ‘oh so you have a Sunday night alone’ etc

its really getting him down, and absolutely nothing is good enough, no money is enough etc

what really can he do, or whats the best way to sort this mess out?

He wants a day off? If you’re a parent you’re either working or parenting. Days off from parenting aren’t a thing. Even on holiday most of the time you take your kids with you and have to look after them!

It sounds more like she gets angry when he wants her to do his parenting.

Then someone needs to explain to him that hes being ridiculous and needs to give his head a wobble as many dads have actual 50/50 as in 7 days and nights out of everyday 14 not 4 nights and days he has. What dose he want a medal for beung an adequate dad instead of being a complete waste of space dad

She’s his mother and the kids grandmother! She should WANT to look after them

The responses on here are harsh! Parenting is always really tricky with shift work. It's shit.
And yes, CMS is the bare minimum, but the fact that it's calculated by the government means that men think it's legitimately more than enough. I don't know a single father who pays more than CMS. Not one. So that is really good of your brother.
I'd say though that if he isn't able to meet his own housing costs, he should probably give less money and put it towards getting his own place with rooms for the kids. Their needs have to be met at both parents' homes.

Yabu. The solution isn't to see his kids less. It's to change his job. If he's not happy with that, then he needs to suck it up then. What mum does or doesn't do is irrelevant. He has his children 2 nights a week & reducing that would be unreasonable. If would suggest he pays the obligated CMS so he can save up for his own place. Surely he can't live at your mum's forever with 2 kids.

If he’s working full time then this is certainly affordable?? He would qualify for UC and help with childcare (up to 80%) if his wage is that low.

if he’s not working full time then he absolutely should be having the children more.

you say she’s been in a low wage part time job since age 18. But can you see how doing so meant she could be default parent and he was able to work shifts? It’s not fair to hold that against her now!

you are a parent so surely you can empathise with the frustration of getting no help. Is her mother helping with childcare so she can have a social life or so she can work?

as others have suggested it seems like a good idea you and your brother help each other out with childcare a bit. If he collects and returns his kid then surely you can have kiddo for an overnight sleepover while he’s on nights and he can return the favour by taking yours for a day at the weekend?

if he can’t work his job around his kids he has to change his job. It’s that simple. By being difficult about it he’s telling his ex the job is more important to him than the kid. My ex is the same, expecting me to accommodate his shifts cancelling his contact whenever he wants overtime/to go out and it’s massively impacted my ability to earn. Single mums get the raw deal, often the relationship has ended because for whatever reason she’s not respected perhaps most of the child and housework fall on her then when we split that doesn’t change except now we really should have to be the ex’s fucking PA and childcare. My 8 year old asked me last year why daddy cancels seeing them for work so much but mummy cancels work instead….. his kid will notice before too long I assure you. You and he need to stop seeing this as her vs him and what’s fair for the parang put that child and their needs front and centre in all decisions and your thinking.

So a baby in child care so she can work that she pays for is her time and her "having them" same with a 4 year old in school that she has to get there and collect.
I'm afraid that you're showing your true bias here.
Also if he lives with your mum why can't she keep an ear out/eye on them overnight when they're sleeping and hes at work?
Also if he had to pay rent she wouldn't get no cms as theyd just take it from his wages and charge him extra for the pleasure she just wouldn't get the extra.
What we seem to have here is a dad who cant be arsed to prioritise his children because he wants,
Free time
Career advancement
A bought house
A medal for doing little more than the bare minimum
Yet expects their mum to arrange and pay for all childcare around his ever changing shifts and random off shift court days whilst working herself doing 90+% of school/childcare drop-offs/pickups and medical, dental appointments and you think she's being unfair by saying he needs to step up and be a parent and stop messing her and the kids about. Whilst you try to claim he has them more and she doesn't seem to want them, did you ever think that she might want to have them more but can't because she has to work to pay the childcare bills because he works irregular shifts?

Help each other…

It is very easy to fathom why they split up.

he has got his job which must come first, and she was clearly supposed to bow down to him and his billy big balls job whilst doing all the unpaid labour. (Like you in your family)

thing is op, they’ve split up. She doesn’t have to do that any more. She must be doing the happy dance.

she has a job around their school/nursery hours, like many many women have. He is also welcome to get such a job.

except he doesn’t want to. He’s choosing to keep his job which is wholly incompatible with having young children.

but what neither of you seem to get is she doesn’t have to pick up for him any more.

all of the reasons you point out that ge wants to keep his job are for him and him alone. A pension, a house. Fine choices, but again, she doesn’t benefit out of them so doesn’t have to facilitate it.

theres a saying that when 2 people split for one party life becomes easier, and the other harder- and the latter party were the ones very clearly not pulling their weight in the relationship shop prior to the split. It’s actually a fairly good indicator.

So he has built a 10 year career as a police officer so he can be a provider but also can't afford a flat and has to live with his mum?

He has no family help but also lives with his mum and is so close to his sister she knows the exact domestic schedule of his ex AND ex's mother despite living an hour away?

And his ex only has had the same minimum wage job since she was 18 but she also works full time from home in one of those many long term minimum wage jobs that can be done full time from home?

And they share custody 40:50 (????) but he has them two nights a week?

I hope his job isn't to take down statements accurately.

He can put in a per50 request in work and get more child friendly hours. Doesn’t matter if he worked for a few years to get this job, he’s a parent now. Plenty of women have to make sacrifices in their careers when they become parents.

Why, because she has two X chromosomes? He’s their father and he doesn’t seem keen to look after them.

No one does. Even their own mother

Are you joking? Every other weekend is shit parenting. Two nights a week is shit parenting. Relying on females (mum, maternal grandparent) to pick up the slack is shit parenting and shameful. Please, buy yourself a pack of Fair Play cards and read the book Wifework. You could also buy one for all the feckless knuckle-draggers in your lives, but make sure to deduct it from the child support, with interest.

When they are sick, does she tell school and nursery “I can’t physically have them as I am working”? Does she tell him he has to sort it?
I suspect not and she sorts it either by asking her mum or by taking leave.

You are focusing too much on her “free time” which is irrelevant. She has arranged that with her mother - not with the other parent. If he wants free time, he has to arrange that with someone else. If there isn’t anyone else, he has to pay someone. If he can’t, then that’s the way it is I am afraid.

Could you help him when he needs a day off and childmind @13MAPARTHELL . Or uiur mother for a few hours?

Drop them off on the sunday evening, so the poor children arent doing a hours jounery in rush hour to nursery/school. simple. Also pay what CMS says and not over, hes paying to much with how much he has them.
he’s entitled to a day off every now & then yanbu.

Your right there. Poor kids seem like a inconvenience to the mother, wouldnt it be best the dad takes them full time & she has them
part time on the weekends? He could put them in nursery/school by him so there not doing 1 hour car journeys a few times a week. Poor kids.

Your brother getting overwhelmed and possibly worse by this isn't going to help anyone. Shift work is hard and him going from living a family unit to being back with his mother is also a pill to swallow.

I don't know the solution but he needs to have some breathing space especially to decompress after work which I'm guessing might include some horrible things.

The first thing I would do is map out the whole week, work, commute, childcare and see what time he has left so looking quite logically.

Is having a babysitter whilst they are with him feasible so he can maybe do a couple of hours in the gym or something (not excessive like the whole day)

At the end of the day he needs to say I'm burning out and I need to take a step back so this is what I propose. Obviously if the times he has children enables his ex to work this needs to be planned more carefully.
Waking a 4yr old up at 5.45 is not good - perhaps he can take the additional he pays over maintenance and pay for a premier inn closer to school on those days?

I hope they learn to co parent

Oh yes, of course every parent dreams of becoming a Nanny with a fanny when they’ve already been a mother and raised their own children 🙄

She's on min wage but is affording rent, he's been in the police 10 years and can't afford any whatsoever? I call bullshit, he could afford it but it would reduce his lifestyle and he doesn't want to. If he's no rent to pay and paying cms of 500, where's the rest of his wage going?

Most people who work are either working or with their children. That's parenthood. I've got DH with me but often one parent has to take one dc to a party while the other has the other etc. I don't get random days where I'm just off work but don't have kids to deal with. Like ever. That's normal?

I think he is just not realistic. He needs to plan in his own support, whether that's paying for babysitters, or asking his mum to sit for him.

How depressing if that’s your attitude. So just because you raised your own kids that’s it? Wash your hands of them? You want help? Fuck off I’ve done my time I’m not having your kids for you.
Parenting doesn’t stop just because they are adults. Even just helping out another human, it doesn’t need to be offspring, it’s nice to help other people. Personally I would want to look after my grandkids, maybe not every week but as a one off so they could get a break sure. Just as I would help a friend. It’s nice to be nice. I just don’t understand this selfish attitude of I’ve raised my kids so I’m never helping anyone out ever again. It’s gross

If he is the main carer, having a court-approved parenting arrangement would make sense.
Being made to feel guilty on top of carrying the main parenting role is a huge emotional burden.

Are you alright love? Is it all getting a bit too much for you?