RSV season warning in family chat

[AutumnIsHereAnd]

My SIL has today shared a “warning” in our family group chat to say we are no longer allowed to kiss my nephews (even on the HAND!), because of “RSV season”. The boys are 4 and 15 months. AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous, especially given the fact they’re the ones who are always poorly?! She’s said if any of us kiss them we won’t be seeing them for the rest of winter!

But its not a big deal snd if that's what she wants.......its not really skin off your nose

@AutumnIsHereAnd RSV can be very serious when it results in bronchiolitis it is not just the common cold. However nursery will be a viral soup at this time of year so her assessment of relative risk is rather skewed.
She can of course ask for no kissing but you can equally well say you will not be looking after the kids especially overnights when they have coughs and colds.

My son got a cold at 1 week old from a friend who did not disclose her child had a cold before they came over. He ended up with bronchiolitis and struggled with his breathing for 2 years with trips to A&E. what may just be a cold to an adult can be quite serious for a baby! I personally think it’s a reasonable request- she’s not limiting contact, just asking for no kisses.

The common cold is a catch all term for all mild respiratory infections. RSV is one specific virus under that catch all which in younger children can cause issues as it tends to affect the lungs small airways.

ds was hospitalised for a week with RSV causing bronchiolitis when he was 12 months and had to have a NG tube for fluids and oxygen both of which he kept pulling off and it was very distressing to have put back in.

You SIL is being a bit silly about the kissing (not on lips) as viruses are spread more through inhaling droplets in air from someone infected breathing/coughing/sneezing and from hands and surfaces, but if that makes her feel more in control, and it is her dc I would just oblige.

OP she is being ridiculous and probably looking at utter shite on social media and following some bloody new trend . Small kids often jump on you and hug you and climb on you so there is lots of physical contact with them. I’m just thinking of last week I called to my mums for a cup of tea after dds dancing class and DD was exhausted so lay down on the couch with her tablet and snuggled into my sister who was sitting on the couch, is it all that sort of stuff she is banning. We have the first of the back to school sicknesses in my house this week but with three school going children that’s part and parcel of life. None of my children have underlying health issues so they will be fine. One child at DDs school does have an underlying health condition so won’t attend parties in soft play and things like that and I can totally understand that .

Every child is different though. Some children who are not immunocompromised end up in A&E more easily with viruses etc

I have a couple of friends who children have ‘normal’ immune system, up to date with vaccines, but have had overnight hospital stays for bugs that effected the rest of the family less severely.

Everybody’s body reacts differently to illnesses and I think it’s fair for parents to mitigate this.

I care about my DNs but I’ve never felt the need to miss their hands so I think you might be taking some unnecessary umbrage with this.

You find it to be utter batshit. So why are you slagging off your SIL online wen presumably your brother has agreed to this (assuming even it wasn't his idea in the first place) and your SIL is the mouthpiece for this on the family WhatsApp?

Your intense dislike of your SIL shines through your posts and I suspect this gripe is but one of the items in a litany of your complaints about your SIL

I'm shocked how many folk aren't accepting a parent's boundaries toward their child.
Regardless of the reason, be it not 100% scientifically accurate, be it OTT in your mind, be it sudden/knee jerk, if someone asks you not to kiss their child then you respect that!

I would be interested to hear what your husband would say about your posts here should you chose to share this thread with him

Or if the SIL is on MN...

She will ignore that, having read the posts. Much more effective to take the ops position and show the sil calmly that boundaries and respect go both ways so she can’t go drinking every week now until she’s found another babysitter or reconsidered her attitude.

You don’t need to kiss a child to comfort them.

I was a nanny for one family for five years and a babysitter for several families for 2-3 years and didn’t kiss any of them, several of the children being under 5. I gave them hugs and if they wanted to kiss me, they kissed me on the cheek near my ear. It is not difficult and saying that, I rarely got sick from them.

My own kids were in nursery for 2 years and rarely got sick. Did get sick with Covid though because in-laws came to stat for a few days and FIL came to our house poorly and said it was just a cold.

I spent last November in the high dependency unit with my 10 day old baby because of RSV, after she caught it from her older siblings.

Every other child in that ward, and most of paediatrics, were also there with RSV.

My children are not sickly at all; they are strong, healthy and robust, but after watching my own child and the children of others go through that, I simply would not take risks around their health anymore.

If you saw how terrifying ‘a common cold’ can be, you wouldn’t mock your SIL for wanting to protect her kids.

Just dont kiss them. They're her kids.

I've RTFT and I think there's a lot more going on here on your end. You come off very aggressive.

You said she doesn't want you kissing them, even though 'they're the ones that are sick all the time' yes, they're often ill because their immune systems haven't fully developed. You're an adult with a fully developed immune system and they are young children. That's how it works.

RE nursery - I imagine she relies on nursery for childcare to work? So she might rather not send them because of the risk of illness, like many parents, but doesn't really have a choice. She can't control that, so maybe she's hoping to do what she can in other places, like asking family not to kiss them. Might seem OTT to you but from her perspective, if you count up all the various friends and family members it adds up to a lot of potential exposure.

Basically you sound really resentful of babysitting so she 'can go out drinking'. You need to take a step back and address what's really making you so angry here as this is an OTT reaction to the request. If you don't want her to send her kids when they are poorly, you can tell her that. If you don't want to babysit, you can tell her that.

Yes, but the op has literally shown herself to have poor judgment as she would refuse to respect their parenting choice.

Exactly, and it's not personal judgement whether to kiss a child if you've been explicitly asked not to.

Coming from the generation were I attended chicken pox parties as a youngster to try and get it over and done with when I was still young, its a big change in the way of thinking for me and whilst I don't suggest doing that, I think to a certain extent our society is getting too sanitized, which stops children building up their defences.

And yes you can pull big holes in the explanation she is giving you but ultimately she is not accusing loved ones of being careless or unclean. She is just trying to minimize risk. It’s a bit like asking people to wash hands before holding a newborn—not because they’re dirty, but because it’s safer.

When my last grandchild was born, we were all told that there was to be no kissing of the baby until they said so (which they anticipated would be at least three months). I was gutted and to be honest it was very counter intuitive to me and I did slip up once, I just wasn't thinking - it wasn't intentional.

I found it very hard, I felt I couldn't respond naturally and it spoilt it for me but ultimately its not my child and its their right, no matter how mean it felt to me to watch them kiss him. You don't need to agree with them, but you should really accept it although if I were you I might stoop to object to looking after them if they have a cold on the grounds that it may unduly damage my health (I'm knocking on now, or my kids may catch it) and they can't pick and choose! But then maybe I am petty...yup, I think I am!

I haven’t RTFT, but after looking at some of your responses, it would be best if you didn’t spend any time with your nieces + nephews, given your complete disregard for their health.

I have never insulted a poster on here before, but to sneer at a parent for wanting to protect their child, when countless people on here have told you that RSV resulted in their healthy child being putting on oxygen and feeding tubes, shows a wilful lack of compassion and an inability to see past your own perspective.

She’s implying that I’m unclean. Of course she is.

DS1 was extremely premature and has had pneumonia twice. If he’d had RSV when he was very tiny, I don’t think he’d be here now.

DS2 isn’t immunocompromised in any way. Even he ended up on the children’s ward for a day with RSV. It really isn’t a standard cold.

Maybe it’s because my first was so vulnerable and I was subsequently terrified of germs for his whole childhood, but I genuinely don’t understand the need to kiss other people’s children.

I've never kissed someone else's child. I don't want anyone, even relatives, kissing my children.

I'm not a germaphobe, quite the opposite. It's what builds their immune system. This will be part of why her kids are always ill I suppose. Mine have never been ill in their entire lives outside of very mild iterations of chicken pox or a quickly overcome virus.

My son gets grotesquely ill with coughs/ colds/ viruses all winter. But he also licks door handles in public bathrooms/ the windows on the bus/ random things he finds on the pavement. He’s far more likely to pick up something and give it to the adults in the family than the other way around. So I’ve never had a rule, it would be bonkers.

That said, it is miserable having a sick baby so I can see why someone would want to reduce the chance of this. I think her request is disproportionate though.

No, asking people not to kiss baby/toddler DC is not implying anyone is ‘unclean’.

Are you being goady, OP?

The mother asked everyone not to kiss the child. She didn't single out the OP who seems determined to flounce.

The rest of the family will be rolling their eyes.