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AIBU?

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Original poster

New DP useless around the house

428 replies

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 15:48

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2025 16:28

I remember reading somewhere that every time a partner does something that makes work for you unecessarily its like saying "Fuck you (your name)". So when they leave a cup on the side instead of the dishwasher, a towel on the floor, dirty washing on the bed etc etc it is akin to them saying "Fuck You".
Imagine that OP, is it so funny now?

DoubtfulCat · 11/09/2025 16:29

If he pees on the seat, the floor, or anywhere other than in the bowl, he has to sit down.

If he hasn’t learned how to do it by the age of 28 he never will. And if he hasn’t learned how to take an equal, effective share of domestic work by this age he never will. He certainly won’t pull his weight if you have kids together. I really would take his behaviour as his true self- and his true self thinks it’s your job to clean up his piss. Do you really want that to be your life?

murasaki · 11/09/2025 16:30

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2025 16:28

I remember reading somewhere that every time a partner does something that makes work for you unecessarily its like saying "Fuck you (your name)". So when they leave a cup on the side instead of the dishwasher, a towel on the floor, dirty washing on the bed etc etc it is akin to them saying "Fuck You".
Imagine that OP, is it so funny now?

There was a good article years ago but a bloke who finally realised why he was dumped over leaving a cup on the side. That it wasn't that cup, but the drip drip drip of poor behaviour. He got it, but too late.

ParmaVioletTea · 11/09/2025 16:30

OMG how old is he? 10???

Chuck him back.

Or start to do only things for yourself. Don’t do his washing or ironing. Don’t shop for him. Don’t cook for him.

If he pees on the lavatory seat give him a bucket until he takes responsibility.

But honestly, he’s clearly not an adult in any reasonable way.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 11/09/2025 16:31

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

Tell him it's not working out and he needs to move out.

If he goes without a fight, he's not that into you.

If he really cares he will sort himself out.

Rainyday56 · 11/09/2025 16:32

Weaponised incompetence

Pregnancyquestion · 11/09/2025 16:34

I couldn’t be with someone who pees all over the place.

i think i would tell him that there’s no more ‘learning’ or forgetting, I’d agree on some kind of labour split. He does kitchen, you do laundry etc and if he’s not doing his agreed jobs from now on then he needs to leave. You DO NOT want a long term relationship and family with someone who is already treating you like his mummy

Bestfootforward11 · 11/09/2025 16:35

I’d be really frank and say an inability to aim in the toilet correctly and do basic adult chores is deeply unattractive in a 28 year old man. It’s then on him to make a choice as to whether he grows up or not. You’re not his mum. If he chooses not to grow up, you can make a choice too. Imagine how life will be if you have 2 kids and he’s still not remembering he needs to aim…
If you have to negotiate such baseline stuff, navigating anything even remotely challenging together seems pretty impossible.

havinalarf · 11/09/2025 16:35

Now he has brought into the house

Do you mean he has bought into the house as in he has a financial interest in it? If so it will be harder to extricate yourself from this unsatisfactory set up. Or do you mean he's named on the tenancy? If he's just really your lodger he can go as soon as you want him to.
You need to sit down and discuss all the household chores and admin load. What has he ever contributed to before, what is he prepared to do now (don't accept less than 50%) and exactly why should it take him longer than 5 minutes to learn how to behave/clean etc? Look up strategic incompetence!

grumpygrape · 11/09/2025 16:36

Pack his bags, take him back to Mummy and explain you’d like a refund or replacement as this one is faulty.

bigwhitedog · 11/09/2025 16:36

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

Do you mean you let him buy into your house? Oh OP, take legal advice and established if you can afford to buy him back out before you dump him I guess, or if you'll need to sell the house.

Colddayhotcuppa · 11/09/2025 16:39

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

What do you mean he has brought into the house? That made my blood run cold. Do you mean he is now on the mortgage?

And he's suddenly developed aiming problems?? come on op. he needs to move right back out

Pamspeople · 11/09/2025 16:39

A 28 year old man who has presumably pissed all over his parents toilet and expected presumably his mum to clear it up?

How on earth can you find him attractive? Bleurgh.

Bestfootforward11 · 11/09/2025 16:39

Colddayhotcuppa · 11/09/2025 16:39

What do you mean he has brought into the house? That made my blood run cold. Do you mean he is now on the mortgage?

And he's suddenly developed aiming problems?? come on op. he needs to move right back out

Show quote history

I felt exactly the same when I read that. Why has he bought into your house??

Icanttakethisanymore · 11/09/2025 16:40

Jeeeeez; no, don't use sex as a way to bribe your BF to not piss on your floor.

Tell him what you expect from him and tell them if he is unable to comply then he needs to move back out. Set a time limit and kick him out if he is not able to meet the minimum standards for co-habiting.

Screamingabdabz · 11/09/2025 16:42

You need to march him to his mess like a child and insist he clear it up while you wait outside. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

I swear to God the older I get I cannot believe that intelligent women put up with this shite from men. He’s not ‘learning’. He thinks it’s beneath him and it’s a woman’s job to clear up his bodily fluids. Wake up op.

NotPerfectlyAdverage · 11/09/2025 16:42

Dump him? Honestly I have three sons. Two have SEN and go to a specialist school. They have learnt how to not piss on the seat.

Because their parents pulled them up on it.

A life time of either his parents ignoring it or moaning hasn't taught him basic life skills. But being dumped for Piddington on the floor might teach him some lesson

Pamspeople · 11/09/2025 16:43

It's also deeply depressing that you have friends who think that sex in exchange for basic house cleaning is a thing.

bumbaloo · 11/09/2025 16:43

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

When you say he had ‘brought into the house’ do you mean ‘bought in’? Has he paid to be part owner? God I hope not

Hankunamatata · 11/09/2025 16:43

You point stuff out every single time. If he doesnt get it within the month he needs to go back to his mum

Chompingatthebeat · 11/09/2025 16:44

Play him sabrina carpenters latest

PinkyFlamingo · 11/09/2025 16:44

Oh come on, he doesn't need to "learn" how not to pee on a seat, he's been toilet trained since he was a child! What he means is he can't be arsed either putting the seat up or cleaning up after himself, as you will do that!

Original poster
HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:44

havinalarf · 11/09/2025 16:35

Now he has brought into the house

Do you mean he has bought into the house as in he has a financial interest in it? If so it will be harder to extricate yourself from this unsatisfactory set up. Or do you mean he's named on the tenancy? If he's just really your lodger he can go as soon as you want him to.
You need to sit down and discuss all the household chores and admin load. What has he ever contributed to before, what is he prepared to do now (don't accept less than 50%) and exactly why should it take him longer than 5 minutes to learn how to behave/clean etc? Look up strategic incompetence!

Yea he’s on the Mortgage with me and paid a lump sum which really helped me out as I was in a bit of a pickle job wise (now resolved), not ideal I know as would have been better to wait a few months.

OP posts:
Mutability · 11/09/2025 16:44

Yuck. What a barely formed adult. I have adult sons, younger than this. They don’t piss like it’s a urinal, they sit down. They stand to piss at urinals.

They cook, they clean, they are domesticated fully fledged adults.

Set your bar higher than the floor and throw this one back.

Pamspeople · 11/09/2025 16:45

We're all desperately hoping you haven't let this guy have a financial stake in your home, OP 🤞

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