New DP useless around the house

[HanhanRuns]

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

Two sons here who when toilet trained at 3, have never once pee'd all over the loo or floor.

It isn't rocket science, but basic decency and self respect.

No decent person creates such a mess and leaves it for another person to clean up, be it the kitchen or loo.

I wouldn't dream of trying to talk my daughters around to dealing with this and advising her to sit down and discuss it.

She wouldn't dream of tolerating it because she has been reared in a house with a decent father and brothers.

But MN posters do indeed love to excuse the foulest of male behaviour.

We agree, it’s horrible and I’d be livid if my OH did it. But my point is, it’s not abusive & it’s probably fixable. Before this post got out of control the OP was just asking for how to fix the situation.

We don’t know his home circumstances. My OH grew up in a filthy house and although he made efforts to keep his house cleaner, by my standards it was pretty awful, but against his baseline it was good. It’s taken a long time and quite a lot of arguments to reach a happy medium. I learnt (via counselling), that when I criticised his standards I made him feel ashamed because as a child he felt ashamed to bring friends home etc. We have a wonderful relationship and excellent communication now, but imagine if I’d just binned him off because I felt disrespected.

I’m glad your partner has grown and has a nice life with you now after a difficult start.

I see being rubbish at cleaning as very different to knowingly leaving piss on the toilet seat repeatedly for your partner to have to clean up, despite being repeatedly told to do so.

One is far more disrespectful and demeaning to your partner and says so much about how you see them. The same as men who leave skid marks in the toilet for others to clean up. It’s not just being bad at cleaning, it’s demeaning to expect a partner to repeatedly clean up your bodily fluids when they’ve flagged it before.

Agree to disagree I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

someone who’s been raised in a home where too much has been done for him.

That doesn't really make sense though as he stayed with her plenty of times and never pissed all over the bathroom before, surely if that was the case he'd have been like it from day one?

My personal take on it is that OP got herself into financial difficulty, may have even lost the house anyway if it was that bad, so her boyfriend has offered to move in, pay a lump sum (which solved her financial issue) and go on the mortgage to protect his interest, sounds like a win win for OP if they were planning on living together anyway.

Except she has put all her trust in him and his 'friend' and they have taken advantage of her in setting up a mortgage that benefits him more than her.

And now he is joint owner he has realised that the honeymoon period can be over, she can't kick him out so he can start acting like the slob he was always intending to be eventually, and rely on her to do everything for him, including cleaning up his piss.

He may not be abusive in the physical and emotional sense, but he has lied to OP about exactly who he is and what he is like, until she is too far in to do anything about it, a common tactic of abusers, and now he is being his true self and doesn't care that he is disrespecting her and their house.

Fair enough if that was genuinely what you meant. I didn't get the same impression as you from what the previous poster wrote but I do agree that we are all coloured by our experiences and that sometimes people write really unfair or nasty comments because of this. I do agree with you that a minority posters are anti men and automatically pro women and can take this prejudice to ridiculous levels.
I agree that your second comment wasn't bullying.

The OP has already tried to sort it but her partner is still pissing all over the place and still isn't doing his fair share of household chores.

How long does she have to persist to try to "house train" him?

Telling him once or twice should be enough to stop him pissing over the loo seat and the floor around the loo.

IF, there was a genuine improvement in behaviour and helpfulness, then I'd agree with you, but from what the OP has said, there isn't.

On a slightly different note, I had similar with my, now, DH. His personal hygiene wasn't good when we got together, such as unclean clothes, bad breath, etc. But when I pointed these things out to him, he did something about it. I remember going round to his house early on in our relationship for a night in after a couple of dates, he clearly hadn't brushed his teeth so I asked him to go and brush them so we could have a good snog - never seen someone move so fast! Never had to mention it again as he then made sure he'd done it before future dates!

There's a hell of a difference between gently pointing something out that they then take on board and deal with which they'd never realised was a problem, as opposed to them simply not giving a toss and expecting you to put up with whatever poor behaviour they want, which is on the pathway to abuse.

Well said @Badbadbunny

He needs to learn to aim?! My 9 year old DS can aim and IF he doesn’t he knows to clean it up himself. He sounds lazy and disgusting

You need legal advice to get out of this. Could you buy him out (give him back what he put in or a bit more?). You could try tenants in common but he would still have half.

Oh and I'd add, my husband would have put my son's straight immediately if this had arisen as an issue in our home.
He would hava a similar appalled reaction as mine.

Normal decent men, the sort I have been surrounded with my whole life, have never needed this explained to them.

Do not try and gaslight women into thinking this is just another relationship issue.🙄

This is a low life scum issue, dregs of society issue, when he has zero self respect for himself or you.

To be avoided, not fixed🙄.
Men are NOT bloody projects for women to fix.

I’ve got two boys (12 and 7) and until last week I assumed they peed sitting down because I’ve never found the toilet seat up and have never had to clean up pee on the seat. However during a discussion recently they both said they stand up.
if my young sons can do this without me even training them it’s pitiful that you are having to train a grown man who has presumably been using a toilet for around 25 years

And they lift the seat they just put it back down when they’re done

Nobody falls in love quicker than a man who needs somewhere to live.

@Shoulderss the term gaslighting is thrown around liberally and incorrectly these days!

’low life scum, dregs of society’ honestly, this is a 28 yr old man none of us know, you might be right but this a bit strong. You have sons, imagine if someone described them like this when they are young adults. I’m sure you’re raising them to be lovely, but they won’t be perfect and they might be lazy despite your teachings.

Have some compassion for this woman and this guy who you don’t even know any real facts about.

Can't you see how this guy has played her?

I completely disagree.

I would be so upset, disappointed and disgusted to learn that I reared either my son's to behave in such a fundamentally disrespectful way towards the person they are living with.....or my daughters for feeling this was all they deserved in a partner.

Clearly you disagree. That's ok!

But I am more than happy with my description of such a 28 year old that behaves like that.

You are getting a hard time OP. Please seek legal advice on the house.

No, yes, maybe! We don’t know:
how much his lump sum was

if the friend and him were ‘working’ together or genuinely trying to create a solution to protect both parties. I accept a broker is not qualified to recommend ownership rights.

I think she should’ve got her own advice before entering into the arrangement, and I wonder why she didn’t at least ask a parent. I hope she gets advice now.

But my original post was about the language used towards the OP which has caused her to leave this thread. Now she can’t receive any of the thoughtful and kind advice from some of the posters. I detest the way some MN participants accuse men of being abusive for non abusive behaviour, it also diminishes the experiences of those who’ve genuinely been in abusive relationships.

Get some legal advice as a matter of urgency. And stop putting up with his mess. Tell him, every time, that he needs to sort it out.

You said it’s his first time away from home, I don’t know I feel like it’s a massive change and everyone has to learn to grow up somewhere. This is on his parents for allowing this to go on at home. I would give a grace period as everyone moves always and learns to grow up within a certain time frame

You should take a dump on the seat and see if he thinks that "I'm still learning" is a sufficient excuse.

Jesus, I would understand if they weren't a confident cook and took time to get used to it, but this is literally something you get trained to do as a preschooler.

I would just stop doing things that he directly benefits from. Laundry, shopping, cooking etc. It is the only way they stop taking it for granted because they can't if you're not doing it.

She did give 50% by agreeing to joint tenancy, it would seem through at best bad advice, at worst coercion.

Joint tenancy is always equal, if it is severed it will fall as 50/50 unless a declaration of trust is made, which will involve him consenting to that.

He can also play his hand, force her to sell her home.

There is no point in sugar coating the seriousness of the position the OP has put herself in - as she needs legal advice to do what can be done (if anything) to unravel the mess.

This 28 year old chap has a mortgage broker mate involved here - and he sure as hell knows what he's doing.

A joint tenancy wouldn't be standard in a situation like this, tenants in common would be advised with a declaration of trust. In addition the pitfalls of enmeshing so much financially after such a short time / never having lived together should have been explained.

I'd be amazed if these two chancers didn't know what they were doing - that's not to say the BF has any intention to dump her and make off with her cash, but he's (IMHO) been very devious creating a financial safety blanket for him at her potential detriment.

Have to say I'm inclined to be thinking as per your last paragraph.