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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New DP useless around the house

428 replies

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 15:48

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

OP posts:
LackOfSleepCBA · 11/09/2025 16:14

Tell him, that as he's unable to aim properly and has obviously not been potty trained effectively when he was a toddler, then from now on he needs to sit down to have a wee. I'm guessing there are other irritations he's causing you?
Might be best to bluntly say to him you're his partner not his mummy or a maid, so he best adult up and get sorted and clean up after himself or he won't be there much longer.

Friendlygingercat · 11/09/2025 16:14

I bet he also doesnt know how to pick up his clothes and smelly socks from off the floor and put them in the wash basket, or put his dishes in the washer when he fancies a late night snack.

Its called weaponised incompetence - a disease many men suffer from.

gannett · 11/09/2025 16:15

Ideally there would have been a long period of time before you even thought of moving a boyfriend in, where you could determine whether he could behave acceptably in the house... but since that either never happened or you weren't paying attention, you'll have to tell him it's not acceptable to the point that you will actually be dumping him for it. And mean that. And do it.

The idea of using sex as a bargaining tool to toilet-train a man is even grimmer than the fact that he needs toilet-training, so while you're at it tell your colleagues they're weirdos.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/09/2025 16:15

I agree with the posters who have said you should throw this one back, @HanhanRuns. If he is this much of a lazy pig during the ‘honeymoon phase’ his behaviour is only going to get worse, not better, when he’s settled in.

murasaki · 11/09/2025 16:15

It's a short hop from this to 'bitty' , think on, OP.

anytipswelcome · 11/09/2025 16:16

Why do you want to have sex with someone who thinks so little of you they're happy to leave their piss on the toilet seat for you to either clean up if you see it, or sit in if you don't?

How on earth can you love someone who doesn't respect you enough to do such a basic thing as clean up after themselves when they've pissed on a toilet seat like a child?

I wish I could shake you - please don't give your life to this bloke, throw him back and raise your standards. You deserve so much more!

Lovelynames123 · 11/09/2025 16:16

I'm assuming that you've been together a while to now live together, did he not stay at yours regularly before moving in? Did he piss on the seat and leave it for you then?

It's a big no, bin him from me. I was briefly dating a guy whose floors looked liked they'd never been washed or even vacuumed properly, gave me the ick and I binned him early doors so I would never be in your situation!

Buxusmortus · 11/09/2025 16:16

28!! Dear god, he's a fully adult man that's still "learning" to clean up after himself.
You can do better. Get rid of him. He clearly thinks it's beneath him to clean, he won't change.
And in the future, never live with a man who isn't already living independently.

CalzoneOnLegs · 11/09/2025 16:17

The floor covering around your toilet will smell before long, the wee will creep into the crevices.

MiddlingMarch · 11/09/2025 16:18

Tips for dealing with it?
I'd tell him he either pulls his weight or he is out. He has eyes and a brain, he can figure out how not to urinate on a toilet seat or successfully clean and tidy a house. If he can't and needs help, he can either ask his actual parent or find a tutorial on YouTube.

Grown men who pretend to be unable to take care of themselves and their home frustrate me. Is it that their penis, audacity and sense of entitlement all act as a barrier to being a functioning adult?

Do not put effort into changing him. It will end up with you being changed into his mum.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2025 16:18

It’s not going to get better.

Lurkingandlearning · 11/09/2025 16:19

Saying he is learning is such an obvious attempt to play on your inner mummy. Tell him to come back when he has learned how to be and adult

jannier · 11/09/2025 16:20

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 11/09/2025 15:56

Unless he's 10/10 in bed throw him back...

Even hot sex isn't worth his piss taking.

nomas · 11/09/2025 16:22

Tell him he needs to be fully functioning adult capable of carrying out all chores by 30 Sep or he needs to move out.

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2025 16:22

My son stopped pissing all over the toilet/floor from around 4.
I appreciate that on occasion men can miss so what anyone who isn't a complete scumbag does is just clean it up
Maybe DS and DH have terrible aim but I wouldn't know .

Pippa12 · 11/09/2025 16:22

That’s gross, my 9 year old understands toilet manners! When he visits other people’s houses does he piss all over their bathrooms too?

I’d be bloody mortified if my sons girlfriend was experiencing this!

I’d be packing his stuff up (as he’s likely unable to do that!) and send him back!

lessglittermoremud · 11/09/2025 16:23

Sorry but Mum of boys here and they all know they should aim into the toilet properly, otherwise they get an ear bashing.
I’m the only female in my house yet I’m not constantly stepping in wee and my 12 year old knows how to put a wash on in the machine and cook a basic meal.
I tell him when he’s rolling his eyes at me that I don’t want him to be one of those useless lumps that poor partners have to moan about online.
I would be saying he has to shape up or go back to living apart. Tradung sexual favours for chores is just a bit grim tbh so wouldn’t follow that advise…. Unless it’s to say that constantly mopping up his urine and his lack of basic skills is a massive turn off.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 11/09/2025 16:23

Did he not ever help his mum around the house? Did he regard it as someone else's job to clear up after him all his life? Did nobody ever say 'you make the mess, you clear it up? Or 'this is your house too, we all pull together?'

Because if that's how he lived then he's going to expect that you will clear up after him. He's never lived on his own so he's clearly never worked out that the household fairies aren't a real thing. Or rather, he could, but he just doesn't want to.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 11/09/2025 16:24

if he is actually young enough to be struggling with aim - please report yourself to the police. But i see he is a grown ass adult (and therefore over 8) so it’s just rank.

notacooldad · 11/09/2025 16:24

Unless he's 10/10 in bed throw him back...
Still no
That dirty rat needs to go.

Arlanymor · 11/09/2025 16:25

jannier · 11/09/2025 16:20

Even hot sex isn't worth his piss taking.

Show quote history

Piss taking and piss making... all over the floor... by the sounds of it.

@HanhanRuns I know you were being a bit light-hearted in your OP but honestly this sounds an awful situation and his response to you when you raised it is incredibly immature and unhelpful. He doesn't sound like he cares at all. I would honestly give him a deadline and a set of behaviours that he needs to have 'learned' by then - or else show him the door. Your home is your sanctuary - it's very disrespectful for him to treat it, and you, this way.

HomericEpithet · 11/09/2025 16:25

OP, I work in the adult social care sector with adult men whose learning disabilities and lack of physical dexterity are so profound that they cannot read or write, recognise numbers or make themselves the most basic kind of meals.

And they can go to the toilet without urinating on the seat. If they should happen to miss, I would guide them back to the toilet, and guide them through clearing up after themselves. And they would do so! I am not paid to do things that they can do for themselves.

Why are you considering having sexual relations with this man? Either he's feigning this level of incompetence to get you to be his maid, or he lacks the cognitive capacity to be having sex. Either possibility should leave you so repulsed that you're dryer than the Sahara desert.

gannett · 11/09/2025 16:26

Also I have lived with 17 different men in my adult life and every single one of them left the toilet clean after using it.

Original poster
HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

OP posts:
murasaki · 11/09/2025 16:28

HanhanRuns · 11/09/2025 16:26

He stayed a couple of times a week but I probably didn’t expect him to do too much given it was my house then (and there was certainly no aim issues!). Now he has brought into the house and lives here full time I expect better!

It's still your house, he and his spraying don't have to be in it. My cat behaves better than that.