New DP useless around the house

[HanhanRuns]

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

‘Asked’, not ‘baked’, obviously!

@Whatislife73 , you seem to miss the point that he owns half the property. OP can't kick him out.

From the drip-feed, OP has given him half of her home for a nominal lump sum, and done so without taking legal advice.

Is it any surprise that words like idiot, stupid and naïve appear in the replies?

I bet his mother was so happy when you agree to take him off of her hands

I can’t even think of a response to this. It’s exhausting l, like arguing with someone who believes in owning guns or an anti vaxxer! Let’s agree to disagree.

1. she hadn’t stated how much he contributed, so how do you know it’s a nominal contribution?

2. yes it’s a huge surprise that people could be so horrible to someone who’s come here for advice / support. You can tell someone they’ve made a mistake and need to get proper advice without tearing them down. Don’t condone bullying language.

@Whatislife73 , he's pissing on the seat because he's doesn't need to be nice to OP.
It's a sign of contempt.

I used the word nominal in the 'far below the real value' meaning. Token would probably have been more appropriate.

No idea why women put up with men that don't share housework and/or childcare equally (if they both work).

Honestly, I’m sorry you’ve obviously had such awful past experiences in relationships that you think this.

Token/nominal- you don’t know this, nor do I. It just suits your narrative to use this as it supports your view that he’s a monster.

I hope that if you have daughters and they tell you their partner repeatedly pisses on the seat expecting them to clean it up, you don’t tell them they’d be mean to find it so disrespectful they want to break up.

I hope if you have sons and they tell you their partner keeps ‘having a go at them’ for pissing on the toilet seat and expecting them to clean it up for them, you tell them you’re ashamed of how gross and disrespectful that is and that you think the girl can do better.

Its not an argument, its just posts on an anonymous forum, no need to be so annoyed you can just not engage if you’re exhausted by it 🤷🏻‍♀️

A lot of truth in this.

What an odd thing to say when your bar is so low for behaviour in a relationship.

Those of us with genuinely nice blokes who wouldn’t be so disrespectful and instead prioritise having a happy, fun, mutually respectful home life just don’t think people (of either sex) should settle for having to repeatedly clean up the piss their able bodied, adult partner (of either sex) leaves behind for them to find and deal with.

It baffles me that it’s wound you up so much that people have that standard, it’s not asking for much!

FWIW I do agree with you @Whatislife73that posters calling OP stupid is nasty, unnecessary and uncalled for.

I have both. Both adults, probably similar age to the OP.

If It was my Daughter I would obviously tell her it wasn’t ok, but I’d be telling her that they needed to sit down and have a frank and adult conversation about it, plus other chores. I’d be advising that if necessary they should write down and assign set chores. I’d talk to them both if necessary as I think ‘young’ adults often still need support. I’d also be ensuring overall she was happy with the arrangement and the relationship and if she was I’d support both of them to make it work.

For my son I’d tell him off and remind him he wasn’t raised that way. And then I’d be advising similar to my Daughter- communication, assigning chores and thinking of how his actions affect others.

So you've let a mummy's boy move into your home and wonder why he is useless.
Surely OP you could have seen this coming.
Ditch this one and start dating real men who can stand on their own two feet or you will be on a hiding to nothing.

@Whatislife73 , Honestly, I’m sorry you’ve obviously had such awful past experiences in relationships that you think this.
I haven't, but it doesn't take much to deduce that someone who leaves piss on the toilet seat is disrespectful.

Token/nominal- you don’t know this, nor do I. It just suits your narrative to use this as it supports your view that he’s a monster.
I doubt that he will have paid the market value.
i'm not saying he's a monster, but it looks like he's tricked OP.

I don't think the OP is genuine. No other posts by the username, the 'Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services', and the drip-feed seem suspicious.

https://www.dettol

if he needs help send this

I think @Whatislife73 has a point about some posters being unnecessarily cruel in the way they deliver their points, which is common on MN, sometimes to the extent that they drive people who need help away. However, she (or he) has then proceeded to make deliberately nasty remarks back to other posters who have different interpretations of what the OP has described, attempting to shut them down.

It is possible that the 'DP' has deliberately taken advantage of @HanhanRuns. I can't see any reason why she would have been well advised to arrange the property deeds as Joint Tenants. She also mentioned that the broker who advised is a friend of her partner! She isn't that young, assuming she is around 28, and is certainly old enough to have looked into this properly before signing away half her house to a man she hasn't even lived with, who has paid an undisclosed sum. The best case scenario is that this 28 year old man is extremely immature, selfish and expects a woman to clean up after him. None of these scenarios suggest that this will be a happy relationship for @HanhanRuns.

@NormaNormal to quote you:
he's pissing on the seat because he's doesn't need to be nice to OP.
It's a sign of contempt.

This reads as if he’s abusive, rather than someone who’s been raised in a home where too much has been done for him. It’s a horrible point of view, there is nothing to suggest it’s what is happening at all.

I think it’s important for younger women (and men), to be mindful and aware of signs of abusive behaviour, but I don’t think it’s healthy for MNs contributors to suggest every indiscretion is abuse.

@rainingsnoring Sorry where have I made nasty remarks? I’ve defended my view, but I haven’t called anyone stupid or such like? I’m very careful about this sort of thing because I don’t want be that person!

He wouldn't need to wipe the toilet seat if he lift it up before aiming. Men usually lift the toilet seat up before aiming.

This, for example 'Honestly, I’m sorry you’ve obviously had such awful past experiences in relationships that you think this.'

That's a nasty remark that you made because the poster had a different interpretation to your own.

You also made a remark about this being exhausting, like arguing with believes in gun laws.
That's also unpleasant and patronising.

Honestly I think SM has made us (I include myself) feel that we can be so much more unpleasant and quick to judge than we would previously have been or would ever be if we were speaking to someone directly.

Throw him back. He's just a man baby whose "mummy" has done everything for him and he expects you to take over the "mummy" role but with the added extra of sex. If you've tried to "train" him to be an adult but he's not learning, then you need to ditch him and send him back to his mummy.

I’m talking about the pissing on the toilet seat though, not just the chores. A woman shouldn’t have to list ‘clean up your own piss if you get it on the toilet seat’ on a list after repeatedly asking him to do so previously. A good, kind, respectful man wouldn’t keep doing it. I want my own daughter to be with a good, kind and respectful man and will be encouraging her to do so.

@Whatislife73 , are you really that naïve?
Abuse can start with something that isn't quite OK, but over time builds up. It's the boiling frog analogy.
OP in her drip-feed has mentioned a few red flags pointing to potential abuse.

Ok, first point I genuinely mean did mean I was sorry past experiences had made her feel this way. I do feel there are a lot of women on here that have had some awful relationships and consequently view every issue via the lens’s of abuse. And whilst I understand this, it’s not always the case and I don’t think they should project that on to others.

I will accept the 2nd comment wasn’t that nice, but I don’t accept it was nasty or bullying.