New DP useless around the house

[HanhanRuns]

DP moved in with me in July - his first time living away from home. I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate. Even basic stuff like the toilet seat and lack of aim - when I raise it he says he forgot and ‘he’s learning’.

Any tips for dealing with this? Other than sexual incentives or withdrawal of these services which seems to be the only advice I get from my friends and a couple of work colleagues!

I've read the whole thread and just realised, when OP says the broker gave them a good deal on the fees. All of the 'whole of market' mortgage brokers that I know (I know quite a few due to my business), none of them charge any fees for mortgages or remortgages of residentials, (they do on BTLs etc.), because they get their commission from the mortgage lender. I wouldn't be surprised if she's been had by this mate of her BFs over paying fees too.

Poor woman, I really hope she reads the threads as there is some good advice on it, such as the link to the gov.uk website on changing from joint tenants to tenants in common. I hope at some point (in the not too distant future), that many of these people were just looking out for her, and not trying to make her feel shitty.

Yuck-a-doodle-doo

Maybe he pays for a cleaner until he can figure out how to do it himself

Sorry, I typed this out ages ago, before the whole mortgage thing!!! For some reason it didn’t post till now. Good luck OP!

I feel like I have to micro manage what he does to help out in terms of chores/housework and it’s already starting to grate.

He isn't doing anything to "help out". That would be additional slack he might take up for you, say if you had a very busy week or were sick, over and above cleaning up after himself (and yes, he isn't "leaning" to wipe the toilet seat - only if he's just very recently acquired a penis, he can tell if he's made a mess and wipe it up the same as any liquid) and doing his half of the shared household tasks.

I'd give him a very short period of time to shape up and do his half. Set aside some time to brainstorm and write down all of the household tasks and how long they typically take and split them up. Make a "chore wheel" if needed. Don't fall into the trap of being the supervisor and telling him to do x task and when and how; if he owns "vacuuming" this week, he vacuums - he can YouTube it if he doesn't know how. If he can't or won't then living together isn't working and I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship.

@HanhanRuns you must independently see a solicitor next week.

How did you become a home owner in the first place? Surely you had similar discussions with brokers, lenders etc when you bought it? And ideally learned a lot about the process even if it wasn't your area of expertise? I don't understand...

I’ve not had a Mumsnet account for ages, I rejoined yesterday for the health chat, but saw this thread and I wanted to post an alternative to all the ‘get rid’ posts.

There are some MN people who have serious issues, so much hate for men and such awful attitudes towards anyone they think is ‘stupid’. It’s actually quite horrible, it’s online bullying, not advice! You know who you are and should hang your heads in shame.

As is often the way with MN the OP has been frightened off by a a cohort of vile people who think they live perfect lives and have clearly never made a poor decision.

I am both ashamed and embarrassed for you.

It's moved on from piss. OP needs legal advice. That is not anti- men.

Telling someone to get legal advice, and saying things like ‘how is anyone this stupid’ is bullying and if you can’t see that then you’re part of the problem. She’s probably not even reading the posts anymore because they’re mainly so horrible.

Yeah she's left. Which is a pity because she is in a very precarious legal position.

I haven't read all the posts on the thread.

Yes, well maybe. She said he put in a lump sum, but unless I missed it she didn’t say how much, either way he brought in, she didn’t give him 50%, but she may have giving more than she should’ve. She probably does need some independent advice, but posts telling her she’s naive (of course she’s fucking naive, she’s 28, starting out), have achieved nothing. I’d be heartbroken if this was my Daughter looking for advice.

It's a form of self-harm.

He does have 50%. They are joint tenants which means he owns that home, wholly and jointly.

She wouldn’t answer so we don’t know. If he paid half the value of her equity to her and also pays half the mortgage now, then that’s not so bad as he had actually paid for his half. But if he put in less than half the value then she as screwed up because he owns the entire house jointly with her. When it comes to buying him out, she isn’t just buying out his share, he can take half. We don’t know if he actually paid in half.

Well we will never know now as a group of awful bullies have scared her off- well done, I hope this makes you feel proud to be a keyboard warrior!

I didnt see anywhere that she said she wanted to split up. I just saw MN militants telling her to kick him out and get legal advice about the house.

She probably does need some better advice but there are kinder ways to tell someone that.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece. I think I’m leave MN again, it’s a horrible site tbh.

I don't know how we know op is somehow in bad position. We don't know how much she has paid and how much is left on the mortagae. We also don't know how much the partner paid with his lump sum and how much he contributes monthly to the mortage.

Edit: nevermind, this was discussed earlier. Didn't see those messages.

Your DP IS disrespectful and disgusting.

I can honestly say it took a while to teach my own sons to aim properly…..when they were toddlers!

They are now 18 & 19 and if they do accidentally spray a little (men don’t always wee in a perfect jet that some people think they do) they clean it up immediately. I assume they do anyway as there’s no pee on the toilet or the floor!

DS19 has been at uni for a year and he managed his own bathroom alone. Now he shares a bathroom with 3 other 19 year old lads he said the bathroom is always clean.

I would put money on this man being abusive.
He is doing this to humiliate her and to see what she will put up with.

Women with self respect and self esteem wouldn't tolerate this for a second.

But then they wouldn't hand half their house over to a man either.

OP sounds very vulnerable.
She needs to look up Coercive control and contact Women's aid and perhaps the police.

She has been played, manipulated and likely diddled out of equity in her house.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if he tries to get her out.

He didn't piss all over the loo at home you can be sure.
This is text book abusive behaviour.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if OP was targeted by two grifters.
Fees to the morgage agent?
Never heard of that either.

And this goes to show that those mums that do everything for their kids aren’t helping them. They are hindering them and not preparing them for the future. Women don’t want a “man” who can’t do anything for himself!!!!

The you’re projecting here. Get help,

I think he might be 'learning' to aim with the toilet seat down, of which he isn't used to doing. Why doesn't he just simply lift the toilet seat up before aiming?

There are no other posts by the OP.

@Whatislife73 , the ones saying LTB or equivalent haven't RTFT. The voting is the same. There's been a drip-feed.
OP didn't specify her own age. The 'DP' (disgusting pisser?) is 28.
She has given him half the property.

@Whatislife73

Do you think an adult man, of almost 30, who respects his partner, repeatedly pisses on the toilet seat and leaves it for her to either clean up or sit in?Do you honestly think that someone who respects their partner repeatedly does that?

I think it’s annoying and something they need to resolve but I don’t think she should kick him out for it! Relationships take work and I’m assuming they both have some growing to do still. If he’s a good guy in other ways I think this issue can be sorted.

Mainly I just hate the way some MNs talk to other women and put them down. It’s bullying and many are just projecting their own views towards men.

oOf course I don’t think it’s acceptable, but much of the ‘advice’ on this thread and certainly the language isn’t acceptable either! Don’t accept this from this man , but accept a stranger telling you you’re an idiot, stupid and naive because that’s ok!

That’s my point though, would a genuinely ‘good guy’ of almost 30 repeatedly leave his urine on the toilet seat despite being baked, repeatedly, to clean up after himself so that his partner doesn’t have to clean it up for him?

You say it’s not acceptable so I feel like you agree it’s disrespectful. But it’s not a one off, it happens all the time according to OP. And when raised, it hasn’t changed.

Why do you think she should stay in a relationship with someone who repeatedly disrespects her to the point he is happy for her to have to repeatedly clean up his piss?