Feel so bitter about a group of friends and want to know how to move on

[Minkdeville]

I have moved on in the sense of stopping contacting them, but I'm angry at myself for being such a mug for so many years.
Yes, they are entitled to want to move on from me too, which they did a long time ago and I was too blind to see it.

I'm someone who likes to change my hairstyle often, no particular reason, I just like changing things up. I've lived abroad in a couple of countries and moved a little bit in the UK, which I'm glad I've been able to do.

I've changed jobs a little too. It's just the sort of person I am, however it's very different from who they are.
They are mostly people who've been in the same company since we graduated 15 years ago, same hairstyle, same town etc.
There's nothing wrong with that either and I also sometimes wish I had their stability. The problem is they seem to see me as some sort of freak or outcast for it and made little jibes whenever I saw them.
It was very subtle, wasn't outward nasty comments but very passive aggressive and sort of 'oh, moved again have you?' With a judgmental look.

At school I was a straight A student and got teased a little for being a 'geek'. Their grades weren't as good, none of which matters now, I went to a 'prestigious' uni and they didn't, again none of which matters.

They've done well in their careers and are all in senior management now, as well as having married men on high salaries. Most have kids and live in large homes.
I feel, especially from one of them there's an air of superiority. She seems to boast about how much their car was and what fancy features it has, and made some sort of comment about my 'lack of stability'.

I have forked out a fortune over the years on their weddings, hen dos and baby showers. None of them in over 12 years have ever been to see me, once. I live an hour away, it's hardly the end of the world. I have travelled to them for 12 years.
I get rubbish excuses like 'Oh I don't like cities' (yet goes to them when it suits her)

I am finally done with this group of horrible women. So angry at myself for being a mug for so many years. One had a baby 2 months ago, sent my congratulations and said it'd be lovely to meet her baby boy, read it and never heard a word back.
How do I stop being such a mug and finally move on?

I haven't passed my driving test which is a sore point, yet im finally hoping to this year. One of them made a jibe 'Oh, you'd know all about public transport wouldn't you.'
Why are people like this? Finally I have a couple of friends who are actual friends.

Hmmm, if this is how you engage with people irl I’m not surprised you’re struggling with your career and friendships. Sounds like you don’t want to hear anything you don’t want to hear, just an echo chamber of “they’re all horrible bitches op and you’re right about everything”. Good luck with that attitude, a world of pain awaits you.

Absolutely. There are groups of friends I’ve ‘outgrown’ — though that’s not the right term, as it suggests I think I’m the one who’s developed, while they haven’t, which I don’t think is true. More ‘have different priorities and concerns to, and a very different life’.

But I don’t need to convince myself they’re ‘wrong’. We’ve just moved in different directions. I don’t need to demonise them, just quietly move on.

Hmm, what a very original comment. How dare I defend myself when someone implies im dumb or stupid, what a terrible person I am. 🙄 jog on thanks.

Absolutely you may well have outgrown your friends, like you say it happens. That isn't the point of my post, the point is the digs and the treatment. Hence my 'long and dramatic post' anyway, pointless arguing really.

To be fair, looking at your comments about their Careers and homes, and you’re just above min wage doing admin, it does feel like you’re really unhappy and just deeply jealous of these women and their achievements v your own life. Hence why you’re going on about how you did better at school and went to a better uni, rather than posting about your life now. The hair thing is just odd to be honest. Really no one cares about how often you change your hair

use this as a wake up call, you’re about to end friendships due to unhappiness with uour own life and jealousy over those doing better.

Nobody cares yet they constantly comment on it?

I said i would stop commenting but after reading some of these comments...seriously.
Determined to paint out that I am seething over my friends careers and lives. If you'd read the thread properly, my point is that my friends are constantly making digs and make zero effort themselves, that's irrelevant to what job they're doing!
I'm not saying 'everyone agree with me' I'm asking how to move on!
However that's Mumsnet for you. Carry on twisting the boot and doing your best to try and put me down if that makes you feel better about yourself. Id say take a look at yourself if you feel the need to put me down.

🤣 I rest my case. Good luck op, you’re gonna need it.

Sounds as though you have led a different life to them and that alone can make friendships not gel over time. We don't know you or them and so for casual onlookers on a forum it's hard to judge what is behind it all. They might be a bitchy clique, you might be over sensitive, they might have other priorities like the kids that mean they just aren't as close to you - with a full time job and kids I wouldn't jump to a two hour round trip but I get that you are disappointed as you put effort for them and you don't see it back. Whatever has happened, you feel that they are not treating you like a friend anymore. So just drop the rope, mute the WhatsApp and move on. Find new friends. Many people do that. You still feel close to them which is why you are concerned about what they will think if you leave the chat. Honestly in 10 years time (and that will come around fast) you won't give a toss about that! But it takes time to get there. Start now, this friendship group is not working for you, it happens.

@Minkdeville I have a theory that people move in and out of our lives as we need or don't need them. Very few people retain the same friends or group of friends throughout their whole lives. It sounds like you don't need these friends any more which is why you are questioning their attitude towards you. My advice would be to quietly remove yourself from them and be with people who don't make you feel as though they are making jibes at you. Life is too short and your life is precious.

Look, @Minkdeville, you have another running thread about feeling awful about career failure, leaving teaching, and not being able to get promoted in your new field — it seems very likely that you’re extra sensitive to what you see as ‘digs’ because you feel depressed about your own prospects now, and are seeing things in the blackest possible light. For instance, I wouldn’t think twice about someone with a new baby not responding to a text. I barely knew my own name when DS was a few months old, and I thought the floor was talking to me.

Obviously, leave these friendships if they’re making you miserable, but be sure you’re not citing off your nose to spite your face. Good luck with finding new friends.

This might sound mad but recently I used chat gpt to try and work out the behaviour of a friend I've known for a long time. It gave me a lot of clarity and insight I had not been able to put into words and articulate for myself. Maybe give it a go.

It’s just something to say, oh you’ve changed your hair, really it’s not that deep op, it’s like saying nice jeans, I think uou know this deep down.

and no one said you’re seething, so this maybe an example of people saying one thing and you reading it as something much more extreme. What was said is you’re unhappy with your own life and jealous. Jealousy can make us behave as you are, resentful. Focusing on when you had more going for you.

jealousy and seething are very different emotions, but here you’ve been told one thing snd interpreted it as something else.

I commented on your other thread about the career stuff.

It’s a frustrating place to be. You’re clearly capable but have ended up in a situation where you can’t see a way out. Friends who weren’t academic are now doing pretty well but rather than supporting you are making snippy and judgemental comments. It’s not jealousy on your part. You don’t care what car anyone drives. You just want a little more consideration than, “Oh Minkdeville and her stupid admin job….”.

When something isn’t working, it is a signal that you need to move away from that something and do something different. In your case, it’s friends and work. Quiet quitting the friends. No drama just stop engaging and stop being available. If you do get caught in a conversation, then everything is hunky dory. The job has improved and is now going quite well even if it isn’t. No talk of plans or applying for other jobs or career change plans.

If you step away from these friends it will free up head space and energy. You can use this to focus on yourself and what you are going to do career wise.

You have to view these friends as having served a purpose in a particular time of your life. You’re moving in different directions and it’s now time to let them go. When you let go it creates space for new things to appear. This is a spiritual that works. You just need to be brave!

You really should stop commenting.

With every post you are demonstrating why your friends are thoroughly fed up with your bitter, envious and self-pitying attitude. The only mystery is why they have anything to do with you at all.

Do yourself and your former friends a favour. Remove yourself from the WhatsApp group and make some new friends, if you can.

Op, I get you don’t like the answers, and feel attacked, the thing is people are actually trying to help you, as if this is rooted in unhappiness about your life, and how’s it’s turned out v resentment over how well your friends are doing in comparison, then it is best to take time out to explore that, rather than lose life long friends over it, something you could bitterly regret one day, and the argument then of well now they don’t want to know me and I was in a bad place, doesn’t wash when you want to get back in in future years.

what we can see cold is your focus on their career success, marriages, money, kids, and you extrapolate they see you as a “freak”. Nothing you then write shows any evidence of them feeling youre a freak, and anything they’ve said, about changing job or hair could be taken two ways, they always seem to invite you to things, and it’s important to ask yourself if really this is about your own jealousy or if these women are as monsterous as you make out, would they really invite you to things if they thought you were a freak.

your words drip with anger and resentment as you attack them. You’re at pains to tell everyone just how successful you were as a young adult. Completely omitting you’re unhappy in your work life, earning not much more than min wage in an admin role, and can’t get out of it.

i hope you can find some peace, and really think deeply about are these women really as horrible as you make out, or is it yoire in a bad place and envy their lives.

Yes, I am afraid this is bang on the money

The queen bee who questioned your stability is a nightmare, but to me, if they really disliked you, they wouldn't be inviting you to weddings and baby showers. You seem to see your attendence at these things as doing them a favour, whereas I think most people would simply be pleased to be invited.

If they really liked her, wouldn’t they be accepting her invitations to come and see her home that she has bought? Friends who invite you to participate in their life events but aren’t interested in participating in yours are not real friends imo, they just want an audience.

I suspect this may not be advice you will like but honestly OP I think therapy would really help you.

You talk about how much you move around, never settling, always changing. And yet you cling on to an old friendship group which apparently doesn't bring you any kind of happiness. Why? Is it stability or security of knowing you have your old friends, even if they're sniping at you?

You talk about how they view you as a freak and a weirdo but you haven't (that I've seen) given any examples of them actually calling you that. Are you projecting some subconscious insecurities?

You talk about them having houses, husbands, babies etc, and you keep returning to that point. What is it you're looking for with all these changes? What is it you really want from life? What would make you genuinely happy?

It's clear this friendship group no longer works for you so I would do a quiet fade out. But I do think there are a lot of issues at play here and I think you'd do yourself a massive favour by really thinking about how you're feeling.

I should stop commenting on my own thread.. that's an intelligent comment.

You promised to stop, but you can't help yourself...

...with each new post you are telling us how arrogant, bitter and deranged you are.

You want us to believe you are intellectually superior. That not only your former friends, but also Mumsnet contributers who have taken time out of their day to respond to your posts are intellectually inferior, because they are telling you truths you don't want to acknowledge.

You have little or no self-awareness and an absolute belief in your superiority over other people, with no evidence that such a belief is justified.

By your own admission you have failed to meet your own life objectives and you deeply resent others who have.

That is why people don't like you.

Yup, more or less what I said but op has had my post deleted, good to see her one calling us all unpleasant has been deleted as well.