Feel so bitter about a group of friends and want to know how to move on

[Minkdeville]

I have moved on in the sense of stopping contacting them, but I'm angry at myself for being such a mug for so many years.
Yes, they are entitled to want to move on from me too, which they did a long time ago and I was too blind to see it.

I'm someone who likes to change my hairstyle often, no particular reason, I just like changing things up. I've lived abroad in a couple of countries and moved a little bit in the UK, which I'm glad I've been able to do.

I've changed jobs a little too. It's just the sort of person I am, however it's very different from who they are.
They are mostly people who've been in the same company since we graduated 15 years ago, same hairstyle, same town etc.
There's nothing wrong with that either and I also sometimes wish I had their stability. The problem is they seem to see me as some sort of freak or outcast for it and made little jibes whenever I saw them.
It was very subtle, wasn't outward nasty comments but very passive aggressive and sort of 'oh, moved again have you?' With a judgmental look.

At school I was a straight A student and got teased a little for being a 'geek'. Their grades weren't as good, none of which matters now, I went to a 'prestigious' uni and they didn't, again none of which matters.

They've done well in their careers and are all in senior management now, as well as having married men on high salaries. Most have kids and live in large homes.
I feel, especially from one of them there's an air of superiority. She seems to boast about how much their car was and what fancy features it has, and made some sort of comment about my 'lack of stability'.

I have forked out a fortune over the years on their weddings, hen dos and baby showers. None of them in over 12 years have ever been to see me, once. I live an hour away, it's hardly the end of the world. I have travelled to them for 12 years.
I get rubbish excuses like 'Oh I don't like cities' (yet goes to them when it suits her)

I am finally done with this group of horrible women. So angry at myself for being a mug for so many years. One had a baby 2 months ago, sent my congratulations and said it'd be lovely to meet her baby boy, read it and never heard a word back.
How do I stop being such a mug and finally move on?

I haven't passed my driving test which is a sore point, yet im finally hoping to this year. One of them made a jibe 'Oh, you'd know all about public transport wouldn't you.'
Why are people like this? Finally I have a couple of friends who are actual friends.

They’re like that because despite all the trappings of success and “happiness”, they’re are actually very unhappy, or deeply insecure.

Often, people will regard anyone who chooses a different life as a kind of existential threat, interpreting your choices as an implicit criticism of their own. They may feel that simply by living your life in the way that seems best to you, you're somehow putting them down. Or it may be that they regret not choosing the more adventurous, independent life that you've lived. Generally, when other people make us feel bad, it's because something about us makes them feel bad. Of course I don't mean by this that you deliberately try to make them feel bad - you seem to have gone above and beyond to give them the feeling that you value them. You are emphatically not the problem.

You're getting nothing positive out of these "friendships". I'd just quietly let them fade away.

You despise these people OP

and that will seep in to your get together with them.

Neither side seem to like the other side. At all.

You are just in with the wrong set of people. You will find your tribe when you get their vibe. You just need to try lots of different things, even if they may seem a bit alien to you i.e. rowing or soft ball and see how you go. You may be pleasantly surprised and, whatever the outcome, you will at least be moving forward instead of stuck in the groove of these ghastly people.

You are unhappy and feel like they're judging you. You see them being happy about their lives as a slight on you. And maybe they are judging you too, who knows.

You judge them as well. All this going on about stability but you chose to move, to change jobs etc etc. That comes at a price.

Honestly, move on. You simply have nothing in common anymore.

What's wrong with posting about a career you've worked hard on?
Why is it ok to post about some accomplishments (marriage and babies), but not others?

Yeah but it doesn't come across like that. And that might be part of the problem.

I get what you are saying, you know (and have) distanced yourself from them. But you still hurt from it.

From my own experience, I am no longer friends with the 'school gang' I don't exactly know what or where it all went wrong but it did. Even the one who I travelled with and had as a bridesmaid. I would text and try arrange something and get a very cool response. Have my messages scrolled without the blue ticks - I know this because of a friend replying to a message I deleted before she got to read it.

I am still in sporadic touch with one or two. But have just had to accept that they for what ever reasons do not want to be my friend. TMI my sister thinks they are ass holes as most of them dropped me when I stopped being the super fun, always there for you, up for a laugh, funny one. Had a pretty sever MH 'episode' that saw me in a MH hospital for a few months. But anyway......

People like to surround themselves with other people who tacitly endorse their choices by living in a similar way. Maybe you they held up a mirror to them just by being you and they feel judged in some way for being different. They're birds of a feather, basically.

And to be honest, a housewarming is definitely not on the same level as a wedding or a baby shower or a christening. Seriously, have a word with yourself.

They probably see you as a distant friend. They wouldn't offend you by not inviting you to their wedding but not good enough of a friend to go to their housewarming.

Distance yourself and sort out your life, you'll be much happier.

Why would you want to be friends with them? They sound boring judgemental snobs. Just archive or delete the chat and move on to find new friends.

These women have undermined the Op's srlf esteem by using these points, which is why she has mentioned them
It's a big deal to her because they have hurt her. I'm sure you wouldn't feel good if an entire long standing social group side lined you.

This. I mean, crowing about being a senior manager? 🙄

It’s one thing posting about a promotion on LinkedIn, it’s quite another to post about “how far you’ve come in your career” on Facebook. But then I don’t post anything on FB, so maybe I just don’t ’get’ it and you’re supposed to boast about your career on there. 🤷‍♀️

I don't think she sounds bitter, just think she sounds hurt. You actually sound a bit bitter yourself

WhatsApp don’t announce you have left a group now. Discovered that recently when the frequent flouncer was raging that none of us had noticed she’d left.

Yeah, this.

If you're worried about any fallout from leaving the WhatsApp group, maybe you could fade it out by being unavailable for meet ups and reducing your contact on WhatsApp to the occasional comment or like on other people's posts. Then, after a while, you can quietly leave the group.

Maybe you'd benefit from counselling to help you get these feelings out and move on?

They sound like a bunch of judgemental bitches. If you're happy with your life that's the main. If you're not that's something to look at.

Regardless, mute them/ignore them/make zero effort from now on. You're not wrong to feel bad but ditching them really will help in the long run.

But why?
I don't post on Facebook either but I don't judge some posts as acceptable and others as not.
If my friend was proud of how far they've come in their career then I would be happy for them.

I do think you should move on from these friends though as they never make any effort for you.

I'm sending you lots of hugs. It's awful when the friends in a group you are in continually undermine your confidence.
It's usually very small minded individuals who like to be the big fish in their small ponds. I imagine they envy you in some ways and that you challenge their life choices.
They have been quietly bullying you, and it may have created a trauma bonded relationship where you stay connected in the hope that they finally approve of you and treat you well.
So many great films deal with this dynamic. I'd give yourself a weekend of Muriels Wedding, Mean girls etc with your real friends and some popcorn, and celebrate your freedom from those sad toxic Bit@#£es
Xxx

What a load of nonsense, how would you know? It’s a really nasty trope on mn that nobody can possibly be as contented as they present, apparently there has to be some seething mass of anxiety and paranoia going on underneath. Says more about you than “them” I think.

I don't think you sounds bitter at all, OP. You sound pragmatic to me.

Personally, I'd remain in the WhatsApp group but mute it.

They are not your tribe and I think most of us have experienced this at some point. I certainly have been the outsider in a group and made to feel like a freak (and these were mums in a post natal group!).

They are a waste of your time. Just enjoy your life and your interests.

Oh thats brilliant I didn't know that! I thought you had to do something special for it to not announce it. Ive one or 2 groups that aren't too relevant any more and I didnt like the idea of the attention when leaving the group

Let them have the ammunition. They don't sound like good friends anyway.
I wish I was closer, I would love to have a friend like you. I like switching up my hair(usually rainbow colours, 2 or 3 at a time)
If it's allowed you can dm me and we can be what used to be called penpals.
Or stay on the chat and see if they notice that you have gone AWOL.
I had a few friends like that, I think it was more that the friendship had run it's course. I think maybe their season has run out.
This one of my favourite writings on friendship.

Reason, Season and a Lifetime

By: Brian A. “Drew” Chalker

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..

I think group admins get notified though