Feel so bitter about a group of friends and want to know how to move on

[Minkdeville]

I have moved on in the sense of stopping contacting them, but I'm angry at myself for being such a mug for so many years.
Yes, they are entitled to want to move on from me too, which they did a long time ago and I was too blind to see it.

I'm someone who likes to change my hairstyle often, no particular reason, I just like changing things up. I've lived abroad in a couple of countries and moved a little bit in the UK, which I'm glad I've been able to do.

I've changed jobs a little too. It's just the sort of person I am, however it's very different from who they are.
They are mostly people who've been in the same company since we graduated 15 years ago, same hairstyle, same town etc.
There's nothing wrong with that either and I also sometimes wish I had their stability. The problem is they seem to see me as some sort of freak or outcast for it and made little jibes whenever I saw them.
It was very subtle, wasn't outward nasty comments but very passive aggressive and sort of 'oh, moved again have you?' With a judgmental look.

At school I was a straight A student and got teased a little for being a 'geek'. Their grades weren't as good, none of which matters now, I went to a 'prestigious' uni and they didn't, again none of which matters.

They've done well in their careers and are all in senior management now, as well as having married men on high salaries. Most have kids and live in large homes.
I feel, especially from one of them there's an air of superiority. She seems to boast about how much their car was and what fancy features it has, and made some sort of comment about my 'lack of stability'.

I have forked out a fortune over the years on their weddings, hen dos and baby showers. None of them in over 12 years have ever been to see me, once. I live an hour away, it's hardly the end of the world. I have travelled to them for 12 years.
I get rubbish excuses like 'Oh I don't like cities' (yet goes to them when it suits her)

I am finally done with this group of horrible women. So angry at myself for being a mug for so many years. One had a baby 2 months ago, sent my congratulations and said it'd be lovely to meet her baby boy, read it and never heard a word back.
How do I stop being such a mug and finally move on?

I haven't passed my driving test which is a sore point, yet im finally hoping to this year. One of them made a jibe 'Oh, you'd know all about public transport wouldn't you.'
Why are people like this? Finally I have a couple of friends who are actual friends.

Just glide away elegantly, be busy and engage with them on a lower level.

Make other things more important. You do not need their approval if you like who you are.

Yeah, it's not helping for sure. Last time I saw one of them at another event I paid for, she was like 'oh well actually im a manager now' with a big smirk, then has put a smug post on social media about how far she's made it in her career.
I would be happy for people like that but it's when they act like this towards me and I can't stand smugness.
I am working on getting a better career but like my friend I mentioned who's been a TA his whole career, I wouldn't look down on him for a second because I see how he's happy and doesn't care what anyone thinks, and I want to be like that.

@honeylulu is right, you've outgrown these friends. As has been said similar people flock together.
Having been through a similar scenario recently, I identify with a lot if what you are saying regarding feeling like a mug. As for leaving the WhatsApp group, dont care what they think of you. The friendships have run their course and it's time to move on. Counselling has helped me enormously with untangling feelings regarding my self worth and my former friends.

Stop wasting energy on these people? Block and delete.

The beauty of getting older and building a life for yourself is you get to choose who you have in it. I have cut off relatives, “friends” and everything in between to protect my peace and live life on my terms. You need to do the same.

Also, hard relate on people thinking any achievement which isn’t getting engaged/married or having a baby isn’t worthy. I have literally stopped telling certain people any of my good news, because their lack of interest (or sometimes even scorn) detracts from my joy and pride at the achievement.

Hi OP I know the dynamic you mean and it’s not serving you, so time to let go. I wouldn’t be dramatic about it, just mute the group and slowly build other friendships so you eventually don’t miss this one. If there’s one person in the group who’s nice you could always meet up with them one-to-one.

I think as life moves on you just outgrow people- it sounds as though you don’t have much in common anymore.
I was a young parents so now in my early 40s some of my friends are just getting into the marriage and kids life as I’m moving away from that. It’s hard to keep being interested when you’re not ( from both parties)
Go and meet some friends with similar interests and let these people go. Some of them actually sound jealous of your life!

Who on earth posts about how far they’ve made it in their career? 😂 These people sound bonkers. Stop clinging on to them and focus on your real friends, or spending time alone. I would honestly rather have zero friends than even one friend as ghastly as the ones you’re describing.

I feel better now for this, so thank you.

I think you need to go no contact. Their friendship is doing you no good at all. Wish them well in your mind and then cut contact. Archive the group, or if you are tempted to look, withdraw from it completely. There is nothing wrong with you, you have just grown up and grown apart. Invest in people who invest in you and bring something to your life. These people do not. Don’t analyse it any further as you are just torturing your self. This happens to many of us, just move past it and be kind to your self.

People usually choose friends who make them feel better about themselves. Look at what the rubbing issues are. Every time you make a change, have freedom or spontaneity they make little snide comments about it. To pull you down, they mention their financial purchases and compare that to your supposed lack of financial stability. There’s a clear pattern about what they are jealous of. I’d bet that they are high earners in pressured jobs and they are finding that the things they buy aren’t making them happy. When you’re around them, showing that you are content, well-travelled, generous and kind, they feel shit. It’s a them problem, OP. Ditch them and find people as nice as you are.

Forgive me OP, but there is a smidgen in your post that makes it seem like you slightly look down on your friends..? Stuff like saying they have the same hair for a long time, and that you went to a better uni than them. That stuff isn't really context you needed to give, so I wonder why it's so prevalent in your mind. Are you unconsciously projecting that thought?
The queen bee who questioned your stability is a nightmare, but to me, if they really disliked you, they wouldn't be inviting you to weddings and baby showers. You seem to see your attendence at these things as doing them a favour, whereas I think most people would simply be pleased to be invited.
Also, I'd forgive any friend with an 8-week-old baby for not being on top of replying to texts. It can be a really hard time.

I'm not sure what changing your job title, hairstyle etc really has to do with anything. However, you've drifted apart from this group of friends. It's not uncommon to do so. I'm only really in touch with 1 person I was at school with. Life moves on.

Just let the friendship drift. Go to meet ups if you fancy it. Don't go if you don't want to. Don't bother trying to arrange anything yourself. You have other friends you gel with better so that's all fine. Again it's perfectly normal to have a range of friends.

Also, don't be too harsh on a friend who didn't reply to a message who only had a baby 2 months ago. Being a new parent is an extremely hectic and exhausting time. Messages take a back seat. Her life is very different right now.

All of you are not meant for each other and there is no rule that says you most remain friends.I hear jealousy,envy and a bit of anxiety in your complaints.First unofficial rule of friendship is you have to be transparent with each other,have you had a conversation about how the comments make you feel?.This group obviously does not make you happy so leave them alone and stop stressing.

This all feels ludicrously dramatic and over-thought.
You have little in common with some people, they don’t enhance your life, just move on. Leave the WhatsApp group, change your social media settings, whatever, and look to find new local friends with whom you have stuff in common.

I can’t even remember most of the people I was friends with at various times and places in my life, not because of any great failings out but because life happened and we all moved on.

Leave the WhatsApp group OP. So what if they laugh at you - you won’t be around to see it so why give a shit. It’s their loss.

Sounds like your friends are jealous of your experience and self confidence in seeing more of the world than they have.

And I understand what you mean about only being interested in events like weddings, engagements and babies which relate to their direct experience.

I was the first member of my immediate family to go to uni and I can recall my mother's luke warm response when I called to tell her I had got a 1st. "Oh thats nice for you. I suppose you'l be wanting somewhere to live when you move back and look for a flat. Dont think you can live here for nothing"

She had managed to make a wonderful achievement all about herself! She was quite miffed when I told her I was staying on to do a masters and had already been offered some work at the uni. I never did move back.

Just fade from their lives, you don't need their negativity. They probably don't realise they are doing it, they're so inside their own boxes. You might find they miss you! However, whether they miss you or not, enjoy your life and stick to your other friends.

Good luck with your driving test!

You sound almost as though you’re trying to convince yourself here OP, not us.

You're giving this far too much headspace.

So tempted to leave the WhatsApp group but it'll probably just give them ammunition to laugh at me?

If you aren’t going to have contact with them you won’t know if they are laughing at you or not. Just leave the group, block them and do whatever you need to do to cut them out of your life including social media

Reading between the lines the snippy comments seem to work both ways. You see yourself as a free spirited, clever, financially independent and well travelled woman. You talk about this and the fact they have stayed in home town, corporate jobs, same hairstyle etc.

They probably pick up on your condescension and so focus on the fact they have a different type of security that you don't.

You've drifted apart so better to acknowledge that than always trying to prove one lifestyle is better than another.

You're not a mug OP. It's very difficult to let go of friendships that you've invested in for years, especially when the changes have been evolving over time. But you know what, these women just aren't your tribe. You built a friendship when you were young and didn't know yourselves, and now you've all grown into women and their directions and choices seem to have aligned, and yours are different. Nothing wrong with that.

I let go of a friendship group in my twenties for similar reasons to you....it was just clear they weren't as bothered about the friendship as I was and I just sort of gave up. Over time I've seen one or two of them around town and more slipped out over the years. A group of about 10 of us is now just four. I felt so so much better once I accepted it and let it go, and it's amazing to hang out with friends I feel valued by. I now see the four on social media and I feel nothing, I wish them well, but they're long gone and I don't really know them now.

I bet you're lovely the way you are. Let them go, cut them off (whichever way feels more comfortable, just don't keep getting notifications and going back) and go invest in your real soulmates.

I definitely don't think im better than them. I couldn't keep the same hairstyle forever but I wish i had the same career and money!

This couldn't be further from the truth, I feel bad about my current situation most of the time.

You don't seem bitter - just a little confused by their behaviour. Waste no more time on them. Give yourself a hug and move on. x

Harsh and unnecessary!