Feel so bitter about a group of friends and want to know how to move on

[Minkdeville]

I have moved on in the sense of stopping contacting them, but I'm angry at myself for being such a mug for so many years.
Yes, they are entitled to want to move on from me too, which they did a long time ago and I was too blind to see it.

I'm someone who likes to change my hairstyle often, no particular reason, I just like changing things up. I've lived abroad in a couple of countries and moved a little bit in the UK, which I'm glad I've been able to do.

I've changed jobs a little too. It's just the sort of person I am, however it's very different from who they are.
They are mostly people who've been in the same company since we graduated 15 years ago, same hairstyle, same town etc.
There's nothing wrong with that either and I also sometimes wish I had their stability. The problem is they seem to see me as some sort of freak or outcast for it and made little jibes whenever I saw them.
It was very subtle, wasn't outward nasty comments but very passive aggressive and sort of 'oh, moved again have you?' With a judgmental look.

At school I was a straight A student and got teased a little for being a 'geek'. Their grades weren't as good, none of which matters now, I went to a 'prestigious' uni and they didn't, again none of which matters.

They've done well in their careers and are all in senior management now, as well as having married men on high salaries. Most have kids and live in large homes.
I feel, especially from one of them there's an air of superiority. She seems to boast about how much their car was and what fancy features it has, and made some sort of comment about my 'lack of stability'.

I have forked out a fortune over the years on their weddings, hen dos and baby showers. None of them in over 12 years have ever been to see me, once. I live an hour away, it's hardly the end of the world. I have travelled to them for 12 years.
I get rubbish excuses like 'Oh I don't like cities' (yet goes to them when it suits her)

I am finally done with this group of horrible women. So angry at myself for being a mug for so many years. One had a baby 2 months ago, sent my congratulations and said it'd be lovely to meet her baby boy, read it and never heard a word back.
How do I stop being such a mug and finally move on?

I haven't passed my driving test which is a sore point, yet im finally hoping to this year. One of them made a jibe 'Oh, you'd know all about public transport wouldn't you.'
Why are people like this? Finally I have a couple of friends who are actual friends.

They are not your friends. Remove yourself from the group both physically and digitally and let them get on with it.

I've had people like those in my life at times and it all boils down to jealousy. You are happy for them but they can't be happy for you. You are doing things the would never have the courage to do.

You've got your tribe. You don't need these others.

They are not your people. Archive that Whatsapp group and forget about them.
Although I get the feeling from how you write about them that there is also an underlying feeling that you were the smarter person who made the more interesting choices and should have been more successful that they are. The bitterness is not just coming from how they have treated you, but the way their lives have panned out compared to yours.
Either way you are not in the same place and they are not real friends. I would suggest completely fading them out, so no social media or anything to remind you of them and slowly you find them becoming insignificant.

Thanks everyone. Of course im glad I did more things like live abroad, but it's entirely up to them if they didnt. I wouldn't dream of saying something like 'oh, still doing that job/still living there are you?'

They aren’t your friends and haven’t been for a long time. Either restrict them or block x

Great idea but it’s actually locking the WhatsApp group. You can see when they’re messaging but it won’t appear in archive. I know - I’ve had to do this to my toxic siblings. It’s liberating!

Tap on Group Info, scroll to Lock Chat. Tap on it. Create a passcode (I use my iPhone number) and lock away

But most happy people don't feel the need to keep putting other people down. Whereas some unhappy people do.

Given your thread yesterday about “I think I have screwed up my career”… I think you may be in a very sensitive frame of mind re others and how they have fared re their careers in

I read your other thread OP. I think you are feeling sensitive as life is throwing you a few challenges. I would be bright and breezy with this group of friends and see them if they make an effort but let their comments wash over you. I think the best thing to do is not really worry about them - if you see them great- if you don't see them - doesn't matter. Life goes up and down for everyone. I am the late 40s menopause years and it is really tough - lots of divorces, illness and parents dying. Life ebbs and flows for everyone. I would keep going and not worry about them.

To be honest. Real friends don’t move on. I think that’s a crappy attitude. The worst “friends” are those who think they are so evolved because they got married a few years earlier and had children. I waited for the right man, the right time. I’m happy. Their husbands have been shagging women tend to years younger and blown their families up. Their evolution blown up in conjunction.

The lack of insight of Posters such as this always makes me chuckle

Well, they don’t sound very nice so I can’t see it will be much of a loss. I suspect you’re not 100% secure in some of your lifestyle choices so the judgement from on high doesn’t help.

Just do a slow fade. Stay on the WhatsApp group but don’t comment. Don’t be available socially. If you bump into one of them in the street, be polite but distant. Don’t give them ammunition about moving or changing job or driving lessons.

In the meantime, find other friends who support and uplift you.

This. It goes both ways. Also, OP, you posted a virtually identical thread on this before — my advice won’t have changed since last time, and as you haven’t dropped contact since that thread, which was months ago, with a group of people you describe as ‘horrible’, I think you need to take some responsibility for this.

I don’t have a driving licence, have lived in five countries and moved jobs a lot, and not one of my friends think this is in any way noteworthy.

Glad I gave you a chuckle

It sounds like your general frustration is warranted but apart from lack of effort and the comment, it's quite small and you may regret throwing all these friendships away cos you're annoyed right now. These feelings do pass. Maybe you could express some of this first and give them a chance to make amends first? Is there one or two that you'd like to stay friends with? Or can you set some limits while staying in touch?

Danielle Bayard-Jones has great advice about female friendships.

I wonder if for them it’s as deep as it is for you. I very much doubt they invited you things for the gifts and I’m surprised someone said that. Generally people invite you as they want you there. But you write it like you did them a favour by going.

the comments on uout hair I would assume are just light hearted. I doubt they sit and think about your hair or even care you change it.

thr only real issue seems to be they didn’t visit your house for a housewarming, which I get is upsetting, for them clearly it wasn’t a priority.

if you’re unhappy In your job and financially, is there a touch of envy about the careers they habe and lifestyle.

id consider how much of this is you unhappy with your own life choices in comparison to them. I mean all this about your hair is just odd to be honest. And who cares if you went to a better uni.

I’d recommend reading or listening to these two books

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Uncomfortable-Truth-Change-Taming-Greatest/dp/0241707196/ref=asc_df_0241707196?mcid=38ad0cb334de3647809276f9e3fdebf6&hvocijid=1026064810481216347-0241707196-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1026064810481216347&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9222618&hvtargid=pla-2281435176898&psc=1&gad_source=1

And

www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Be-Disliked-yourself-happiness/dp/176063073X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=30PTPC84ZEU5Z&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.OmELTly05hxVEvAmuic2kRwFb1byAqbgGxpaXimjQGHzA368KSSxy7dxD2LAhFQ0Ut9dprEm1nFFo2klcPvGU_NuXYwm2_b1v-l15SJZYzdIEP_tAeWlJAYxjW6W3YHL1trthN1MM_dlfvHLnIDQ3jXEmd-MuMroe1XHa07jsWoNrL8fXQbgVVhG-VkqajJjUQesoCGNg2doWhnxonVwuw.xV2eEEKSNcUBmxvD22E2Mhr4dl3wrHmjVrhqIOnJGxE&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+courage+to+be+disliked&qid=1757612047&s=books&sprefix=the+courage+to+be+disliked%2Cbooks%2C1094&sr=1-1

Tbf the way your write does sound like you think you are better than them because of their choices and that you did better academically.

So you may not think it, but if you talk to them the way you write, they may well have got that impression.

You do a lot of "I did better/differently, but it doesn't matter..." the fact you are even thinking about it and mentioning it, means it does matter to you.
I mean I can't remember which of my friends did better/worse/same at all.

For example in the OP you said "At school I was a straight A student and got teased a little for being a 'geek'. Their grades weren't as good, none of which matters now, I went to a 'prestigious' uni and they didn't, again none of which matters."
That adds nothing to the Op at all, so why did you think it was important for us to know that?

So perhaps think how you are coming across. If you are coming across as thinking you are superior, then that will effect how they react to you.

Are you neurodivergent by any chance?

I think jealousy has a lot to do with it, she is going back to early successes where she felt she was in a better position to these women, she deliberately avoids telling us about her life now.

Well on the basis of her thread yesterday…. She’s very unhappy and dissatisfied

In what ways are you unhappy OP that posters are referring to. Could this general unhappiness be causing you to find fault in all aspects of your life and relationships?

This! It seems to me that OP is jealous of her friends achievements and accomplishments. Hence the digs about having better grades and going to better university. I suspect OP is disappointed that life hasn’t panned out as expected for them- maybe there was an expectation of a guilded future- whilst the no hopers have worked hard, stuck with it not chopped and changed as whim takes them, and are doing very nicely now. I think OP resents that they are doing better than she is. The reference to having same haircut is weird imo/ maybe her friends are quite busy juggling childcare and work with partners to worry about their hair.

These bitches aren't your friend. I've been in a similar situation and life is so much more peaceful without these people in my life.

I'm ignoring snippy comments, im not jealous of them