Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

I'm half Irish and half English and so have often noticed the differences between the cultures. On the Irish side, I have both Irish family in England and have spent a lot of time with Irish family still in Mayo.

I think the cultures are very different indeed. Some examples include:

Attitudes to money and success. Being flashy or boastful would be embarrassing to my Irish family. There is nothing worse than having airs and graces.

The culture around death. Ireland is so much more open about this and there are far more rituals around death. Deaths are announced on the radio and people from the village and neighbouring villages come. Following the body around the village and having a months mind. Having a wake, saying rosary over the dead. Some of these are catholic traditions and some are local Irish ones. I find English rituals around death a lot more "behind closed doors", a shorter more formal funeral and less community-focused.

Communication conventions also really different. In my family the men are often very stoic. It's normal to visit family regularly and not say much at all.

Hospitality is also a thing. Again this may be more specific to Mayo/the west but culturally the welcome you put on for a visitor is very important. I don't think this is such a focus in English culture.

I've also noticed differences between cultures within Ireland. I've heard a lot of scorn from other Irish people about "Mayo people", meaning to imply they are old fashioned, or backwards. Which of course is highly offensive to me and my family! But suggests other parts of Ireland may have a different culture. The idea of "working class" is offensive to some members of my family, even though they may be by English standards due to physical and seasonal working (farming and building). However my English family are far more concerned with ideas of class.

I'd say cultural and social norms are very different.

I'm British and watched Normal People and although it's fiction it definitely highlighted many cultural differences to me but I'm from London so maybe it's more about that.

@verybighouseinthecountry Just to note you have to be careful with the spelling of 'Annmarie' - it could also be 'Annemarie' or 'Ann-Marie'!

Regarding sayings (and apologies if this has already been mentioned), I'm from Dublin and among my favourites are 'I'm scarleh (scarlet) for ye" (I'm embarassed for you) and, even better "I'm scarleh for yer ma' for havin' ye" 😁

Some used to just flee because they wanted to keep their babies but wouldn’t have been allowed as unmarried mums.

I was working in an office with about 20-25 people when a woman in her 60s mentioned that her mum was Irish but ran away to England so she could keep her baby. Another woman in the office heard and came over to say her mum was also Irish and ran away when she got pregnant. It’s unfortunately many Irish women’s stories.

Also I know a good few people who have had abortions, they just don’t tell it to everyone they meet. Some too young, some fetal abnormalities - it happens everywhere people have reproductive organs!

This made me laugh (I have an Uncle Noel) 😁

My mother is called Mary, as is my Mother in Law and both my grandmothers!

I'm Irish and have lived in the UK in the south for 25 years. Almost longer here than resident in Ireland which is an odd milestone.

Death and funerals - took my husband and kids to their first Irish funeral recently. It was the third funeral my husband had been to. He didn't see his own father or grandmother laid out. They were flabbergasted at the numbers attending a wake and how many children came with parents.

Education - respect for it, respect for teachers and [for most] the sheer expectation that university should be aspired to. There are other differences which are weird to English people like the more vocational nature of degrees. That an end game/career is the priority when choosing a course rather than the joy of learning. There's a marked shift here now as uni has become so incredibly expensive. "What will you do with that?' would have been unheard of with my peers when I moved here. First question on the lips of any Irish parent in the 90's.

Religion. Weirdly I find British people of any persuasion are far more religious. Most Irish people are notionally Catholic but give it little thought and certainly don't study it or can often explain aspects of their beliefs and practices. Committing to a religious school in London means regular and monitored church attendance. Mad! Ireland is Catholic-lite as per an earlier post.

Utilities, council tax, water, energy, - my Irish family are aghast at the cost of it.

NHS. I do love it though it could be so so much more efficient. Taking 3 kids to the GP for the same aliment set my sister back E150 plus medicine.

Global view. Irish people [not all obviously] tend to be more informed on what's happening globally. I put that down to the dearth of interesting home news on the evening news. It moves to global affairs quickly thankfully.

We watched the Irish tv show Young Offenders and i was struck by how (spoiler alert!) When one of the girls get pregnant, she is having the baby, no questions asked. For a show that did address some pretty big issues, it stood out for me that there was no discussion.

Just thought of another one, and it's my absolute favourite of (perceived) Irishness. They absolutely idolize their parents, their mothers in particular. I've seen so many men and women post a photo of their DM, calling her "a Queen" or "there'll never be another like her/him". It's usually accompanied by some sort of Irish music about your mother/father. I don't think I have ever in my life seen an English person talking about their parents in this way.

And goodness yes the differences surrounding death and funerals. My Irish ILs post pictures of the wake and coffin (not the person) on social media, giving "credit where it's due" to the family for putting on such a fine spread and funeral. My English DM thinks this is so shocking, says she hasn't even seen a coffin at a funeral for years. Apparently the 'in' thing now is a private funeral service for extremely close family at the graveside, then into the church for a celebration of life. DM doesn't want anyone seeing her after death, not even DF or us children.

'I've seen so many men and women post a photo of their DM, calling her "a Queen" or "there'll never be another like her/him". It's usually accompanied by some sort of Irish music about your mother/father'

When you say 'post', I guess you mean on social media? This sounds like the type of Irish people who never pass up an opportunity for sentimentality. I don't recognise it as typical at all

I don't see the Irish side much so yes it's mostly been on Facebook, but heard two women separately refer to their mothers as "queens" at weddings. They are mid 50s.

The reference to how the Irish handle death reminded me of the film - that they may face the rising sun. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt28143091/
I recommend it!

When that was filmed abortion was only just legal in Ireland. Attitudes to abortion are still very different.

That film is beautiful, captures the death ritual perfectly and a lot of other cultural aspects too.

Whereabouts in do you live? There are cultural differences for sure, some of what you’ve described doesn’t ring true at all.

Even in the recent past our (Irish) parents generation have had tough lives as alluded to here : blighted by economic hardship, emigration, alcoholism, lack of opportunities and lack of basic women's rights. Irish people rightly honour our parents who've survived this adversity. We have respect for elders in our culture.
Most English people I know respect their parents but I've also seen lots of people in the UK who don't value them and take them for granted. There's different values.

I'm Irish living in UK and thought the show did a great job of showing how it is in Ireland.

My father is Irish and my mother is of Irish parents. I have lived in both countries. My ‘English’ family endured many of the hardships you describe working in northern mills. I think you may be confusing generational differences with sweeping statements like “most English”.

Young Irish in major cities are quite different to what I remember as a child in rural Ireland in the 80’s/90’s.

The wedding one was an eye opener for me. Im English but have lived in Europe .
Ive attended my fair share of wedding and never gifted a penny less than £100
I got married earlier this year and while, I absolutely did not "expect" gifts or money it was a bit of a shock that over 160 guests, we recieved an average of £9 per person. All guests were full day guests, including food, drinks included for day, entertainment both day and night. I had undercalculated. If I had known, I would not have included drinks...

I'm responding to another poster who was identified a common Irish trait of revering parents. This rang true to my experience as someone born and bred in Ireland d and I commented on why it might be different in the UK where I live.

So most English* where you live and have interacted with, rather than “most English”.

You sound.. Fun

Thanks

Thank you 🙌

I was coming along to post something similar…

As an Irish person from NI, it’s so offensive for people to imply that we’re less Irish because we’re from the North! And that’s exactly what I took from this post.