Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

Mine are too, but I never learned milking by hand, though my mother who grew up on one in the 40s/50s did of course. Grandparents did mostly use their back door when I visited as a child, but when I visit other farmers now (including relatives, close friends) I’d go in the front door. They’d use the back door themselves going out to the yard in the wellies though. I’m sure it varies, that’s just my own experience.

Haha my dad grew up on a dairy farm and I am pretty sure he lost his front door key years ago, I haven’t seen it opened in at least a decade. We either go in the backdoor or a patio door. Nothing is ever locked!

This is such a great discussion (even the arsey bits). As an NI person who has moved home after 30 years away in the UK and USA, there is a lot that rings true (superficial hyper friendliness, fast funerals, no divorces, creepy priests, abortions in the UK) but equally loads that is news to me! My oldest brother got married to a SoCo Dubliner, I was boggled at the show at the wedding, just seemed so OTT. And no wonder she barely speaks to me, I didn’t give them money, I paid for them to go away for a chef’s table meal and a night in a posh hotel! I had no idea until now (15 years later) that I had done something wrong!

Another current difference - The Ploughing being celebrated across the land by media outlets as if it's Glastonbury. RTÉ has decamped to Skreggan along with half the country.

I heard Pat Shortt being interviewed yesterday morning describing some people as even more rural than him "Sure them lads were bucket fed from birth!".

You definitely have not offended them with that very generous wedding present.

That was a lovely gift!
It does seem to be mostly cash now but I went to a good few weddings 15 - 20 years ago and there were a lot of gift lists then. And not as many gave cash even if there was no list. I got pots and pans, towels, lamps, crystal at my own wedding in the noughties, though the majority did give money as a present.

@ComemosZanahorias no it’s the display of generosity that’s important. You were both generous and thoughtful!

It must be something else.

I like watching TV shows when there is an English version then an irish version. Someone up thread mentioned Traitors but I haven't seen it.

I was addicted to First Dates.

First Dates UK, I was struck by how open people were about what they were looking for, their previous romantic experiences, their expectations. They were clear on what they were looking for. The Irish; much more laughing and talking around topics. I was dating a lot at the time and I found I had no issue finding men for fun and flirting but progressing things along with anyone suitable seemed impossible. Then I met British DH... all straightforward.

The other show was Come Dine With Me. I found the Irish contestants less cutting and competitive with each other, less of the 'I came to win' attitude (at least openly). Friendships seemed to form more readily.

Irish men are more relationship resistant perhaps? We do tend to collect giant groups of friends, it peaks in size in early 30s imo. Is this similar in the UK?

I can't get over the young scientist competition won't be sponsored by BT.

The Eddie Hobbs pay for your wedding show was 2006. Its all his fault.

Scots guy here, and I've been appalled through the years at how tight English folk are. These would be guys we've bumped into on holiday in boozers in Spain, Greece, etc. Happy to take drinks, and be included in rounds, but strangely reluctant, or forgetful, to get any back. I've watched English guys, who we've bought drinks for in our round, go up and buy drinks for themselves and miss us out.

Or when a small amount of money in card " they broke their heart there" . We got mostly cash for our wedding 20 years ago , people always say if you are living together you already have the appliances and money is always needed. I got a couple of lovely presents from people that I use to this day and they are just as welcome .

Ah that's nice. What are the presents?

My DH was married to a different Irish woman before me, I think 25 years ago. They got a lot of very nice crystal glasses. I know as I'm often drinking out of his half of them.

'Another current difference - The Ploughing being celebrated across the land by media outlets as if it's Glastonbury'

Sorry for being thick, but does that mean the start of the ploughing season on farms? Being reported on national media?!

I'm Irish but haven't lived there for 25 years so clearly well out of the loop 😁

I got a lamp from a cousin , glasses from my husbands elderly aunt and a gorgeous clock from a much loved neighbour that has always been on my sitting room mantel . The cutlery I use daily from friends and a vase from another cousin . My favourite thing though is reading the lovely messages from family and friends especially now a lot of them have passed . The wedding album is tucked away . It's a great reminder of a great day 💓

No, just a big agricultural show that’s attended by a few hundred thousand annually. There’s a ploughing contest, tractor and horse-drawn, at the heart of it, but also thousands of exhibition stands for farm
machinery, livestock etc, plus live entertainment, craft and cookery demos, other competitions etc. It’s huge. (A tradition that whoever’s Taoiseach will go along and be photographed in wellies trying to plough— the extremely urban Leo Varadkar and his clean wellies was particularly funny back in the day. Good place to get a sense of what’s going on in rural Ireland.)

18 pages in and nobody has mentioned that Christmas starts in Ireland the night the late late toy show airs!

And there is no religious panic over Halloween. It was banned in my DC CofE school. "American" Halloween gets a few mutterings, but pumpkin are so much easier to carve.

Yes! I was completely baffled by DS’s C of E village school’s censorious attitude to Halloween! The vicar came in one year and talked about how unchristian it was. It was never seen as in any way problematic in my devoutly Catholic childhood, or incompatible with Catholic doctrine. We used to dress up (well, masks and bin bags) and do apple-bobbing at school, and we used to go trick or treating (though didn’t call it that then) to the parish priest’s house!

Yes, I had to train my city-reared husband when we lived in the country for a while. Now he’s a natural.

Waterford crystal used to be a favourite wedding present. Dhs aunt was really proud of her cabinet which lit up to show it off. With stickers still on it as it was never used.

Yeah I think this was the vibe with our crystal in its previous home. DH couldn't understand why I wasn't delighted at the prospect of displaying the stupid crystal. I was horrified. Utterly cringe. And we have no space for the things we actually need and like.

We finally compromised that it could stay in our home on condition that it was used in everyday life and might sometimes get broken (he still doesn't believe that a particularly disgusting display item was accidentally knocked over when I was vacuuming.

You've just made me realise why I dislike those nasty 'crystal'-effect goblets they have for drinking water at the round tables in the UK and Irish Traitors (presumably for continuity reasons, as you can't see the water level inside them) -- they remind me of Waterford crystal, of which I'm not a fan.

I made the mistake of telling an aunt once that most of the old crystal my mum inherited was broken by us, as was most she was gifted over the years (aunt went mad). My mum has the attitude that there’s no point in having nice things if you don’t use them so let us use them as kids, she has very few left lol.

My sister is married to (well they are getting divorced) an Irish man from somewhere south in Ireland, he lived in Dublin and then moved to NI, where my sister was working and after marriage they moved back to our home city. I follow a number of people in his family on Facebook and they have strong tendencies that may only be in his family, but I don't see this much in UK:

• they have so many women called Annmarie
• baby names are often repeated in the family, after a relative
• weddings are very overdressed, big up do's. Same for Holy Communion and christenings. Every single woman at these events is sure they are the best dressed
• use of certain phrases 'some woman for one woman/I swear on my kids lives/that's a mortal sin
• martyrdom complex "I never spend money on myself, it all goes on the children" said by women who regularly get hair/nails/tan done.
• very friendly and familiar from day one.

BIL is now in his early 60s and from quite a working class background, so things might be completely different in uounger/MC circles