Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

I have Irish family and don’t recognise any of the ‘differences’ you describe. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Regards history, there is so much British history we don't get to do the half of it at school.

I'm English, living in Ireland for almost thirty years, married to an Irish man. I agree that culturally it's very different. In my experience, many British people who move here don't expect it to be quite as different. I know that I found it much easier than some to feel at home in Ireland because I married into an Irish family.

I'm not sure I agree about staying married, though - I know so many people in my circle who have separated or divorced in their 40s or 50s.

Yeah, I’m Irish and I’m divorced.

It's quite possible that they do however, we can be appalling bad at communicating.

"I'll get you a drink, no sit down, I'm getting this" Irish person goes to the bar, English person gratefully accepts the drink not realising it's understood that they must buy one back.

Same thing with the 'tight' English person who is thanked profusely for attending the wedding blissfully unaware they will be subjected to a complete character assassination privately for handing over an empty card.

I’m Irish in Ireland and agree with a lot of what you say. I think the age at which people settle down varies depending on social group though. People who go to university or get postgraduate qualifications tend to marry and start families later in my experience. Divorce is legal here just under 30 years now. I think stats show we have something like the second lowest divorce rate in Europe. Maybe that will change in time.

It's less common here though. And not unusual for people to be legally separated for decades even going on to meet someone else in a similar position.

We do the 'irish divorce' - people still legally married who haven't seen or spoken to the other in thirty years.

Our Irish kin are not well off, so we would always buy drinks first, and would never expect €100 in a card - they couldn’t afford that!

My BIL is divorced from his Irish wife and has lived with his ‘new’ partner for over 20 years. She is also a divorcee. 🤷🏼‍♀️

That is absolutely the amount expected in a card as a wedding gift, at a minimum. You mightn’t expect it, but other Irish people would.
I think you’re proving OP’s point 😁

But they aren't married?

I'm Irish, from Mayo living in NI ( not sure why you excluded Irish people from the North?or are you a partionist who doesn't see those people as Irish?). I don't know how old you are but you're wrong on abortion and divorce, I'm late 30s, many people I know have experienced one or both.

Agree with you on money, and another difference I'd highlight is views and customs around death (and is a difference I've noticed between British and Irish people in the North too).

No. Neither wanted to remarry.
Both divorces were to tidy up financial ties.

Oh yes difference with death and funerals is huge!

People are getting divorced now yes but still not as easily as the UK.

The reason I separated n.ireland is because I now have a lot of business dealings with n.ireland and I find people are so different within n.ireland regarding their attitudes (I mean different to each other) so I don't feel comfortable I know what I'm talking about there.

Good to know! I’ll ask them about it, as we’re going to a Dublin wedding in 2027!

Both my parents were Irish born and bred. I guess they never got the memo but that doesn't sound remotely like them. I'll admit Irish people stayed married in the past but that was because there was no provision for divorce under Irish law even if your spouse turned out to be an axe murderer. But looking back through my family tree I only see one person getting married in their thirties and that was my grandmother and she was marrying my mid twenties grandfather. A lot of these cultural differences you talk of are a result of the stranglehold the Catholic Church had on Ireland in the past but the Catholic Church no longer has the power it once held.

You must know some rum Irish people, as well as some very odd Brits.

'we are indirect about money'

THAT'S an understatement! So many unspoken expectations about money. Massive difficulties accepting someone else's hospitality or generosity - my dad and uncle used to practically wrestle the restaurant bill off each other in a fight to be the one who paid 🙄Agree about the (to my mind) OTT minimum wedding cash gift. Also agree that people in Ireland more likely to stay married, but I don't think that's always a good thing

I'm Irish, been living in the UK for 25 years

I am Irish, living in Ireland and had friends over recently for the weekend. They both live in London and have done for 10 years or so. Both men in high paid professional jobs.

For them the biggest difference between the countries is the obsession with class in Britain. It doesn't really exist as a topic here but apparently it's a major thing across the water.

Just hand over the cash, no discussion

That one I can definitely confirm is true!

No, I’m curious now if this is a ‘thing’, or if it’s just a ‘your experience’.
I promise to come back and tell you what they say. Won’t ask the bride and groom, obviously!

It's a good point - Irish people don't talk about money. Everyone is supposed to just magically know 'the way to do things', and you're in for some harsh judgement if you get it wrong - all behind your back of course!

100euro minimum is definitely a thing , and has been for years

Yes I'm Irish and agree with a lot you have said especially about money !