Differences (rep Ireland) Irish V UK

[Sillysandy]

I am Irish living in Ireland. My DH is British, he is an immigrant who grew up in London but had lived for 20 years in Ireland when I met him.

I discovered mumsnet about 8 years ago when I took on a sort of stepmum role and was flabbergasted at some of the stories, attitudes and opinions.

I still found the site extremely helpful, often giving me clarity on situations which would cause me a lot of angst.

However when I talk to friends and family members living in the UK I realise that a lot is to do with cultural differences.

It's amazing given how close geographically we are.

Attitudes to money, marriage, divorce, wedding gifts, abortion, house purchases, communication with friends are so far from anything I've seen in my circles.

To give my pov; (these are all generalisations) we get married later, we stay married, we don't consider abortion unless it's very particular circumstances, we are indirect about money "I'll get this one, you can get the next one (but it is LAW you only accept if you are buying back)" and sending bank details for a small amount would be horrifyingly rude, you only attend a wedding with a card containing at least 100 euro pp, you usually get married in your mid thirties, your kids are mainly all with the one father, we hide behind humour until we know a person very well, we don't report benefit fraud, we laugh a lot more... That's just off the top of my head.

The other thing is that most Irish people know all about English Irish historical tensions but many English people are utterly oblivious.

YABU You're talking out of your ass
YANBU The differences are enormous

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. In my line of work now I do a weekly call with my UK based team and I always notice subtle differences in attitude.

I am a Scot living in England. I think I must be Irish as your comments reflect my views!

I'm grew up in London to Irish immigrant parents. Culturally I think there is quite a divide and the vast majority of my friends are 2nd gen immigrants because we just clicked better.

I was obviously raised Catholic & had a Catholic education.

I think the money for weddings is being somewhat misrepresented! While it is true that €100 per person would be standard as a gift for a wedding (more for relative or close friends) and people are so generous, most people getting married would never comment on someone giving less and would be grateful for any present and for the guests making an effort to come to the wedding.

some British people know loads about the historical
tension in Ireland, and some British people know nothing about British political history.
It’s a ridiculous set of generalisations.

Of course there is cultural difference, but I don’t recognise much of what you have said.

It is disturbing how limited the average British person's understanding of Irish history can be. It wasn't just a famine; it was genocide.

It was just not taught & the press reports here obviously have a strong bias.

My mums family is in Mayo, dads family is English and I grew up in London.

What I learnt is that there is an enormous gulf between what Irish people say and do! They might not explicitly talk about class but the snobbery is unbelievable.

There is clearly a middle/upper class that exists they just don’t call it that.

This! One person didn't give a gift at my wedding and I never told a soul let alone talked about her behind her back.

I have a gigantic Irish family (Dublin) and don't recognise anything in your post.

People actually dress up for a wedding in Ireland vs here 😆

Yes there are differences especially in small day to day things. I have one parent from each country and they both found they needed to adapt when living in the other country

And more recent history too, despite the rather belated apology from the British government, I've met a scary number of British people who think 'The IRA started Bloody Sunday and were carrying weapons and those poor soldiers had no choice but to shoot to kill'. It's a very deliberate thing by British media and education to paint the Troubles as if they had almost no part in it, I wouldn't necessarily blame said people for having no understanding of it.

As an Irish person who has lived in England many years, one cultural difference is that in Ireland there is a tendency to tell people what they think they would like to hear and not to be willing to be too direct or too imposing.

So you can say yes to tea, but only if they are making one anyway, you say not to a a drink so as not to appear greedy, but actually mean yes etc.

It is a peculiar set of cultural norms. When my DD was getting her A Level results, my dad phoned my sister to hear how my DD did, in case it didn't go well, rather than just call me!!

I think lots of things are probably (generally) true. I was surprised at the stats for first time Irish marriage, it's one of the oldest ages in the world. Although divorce is apparently 0.7 vs 1.7% in the UK, so not a huge difference.

but "we laugh a lot more" is a bit weird. How on earth would you measure that? It seems like a lot of your comparisons come from your interactions with your UK office - if people are at work they're more likely to be working/behaving professionally, particularly during a meeting, than cracking jokes!

And similarly 'MN' is not exactly representative of the whole UK. Lots of people on here are completely batshit! Plus the whole nature of an online forum is it's self-selecting, so people will choose to reply to threads they have an interest in so you are less likely to hear moderate voices because they don't care enough to comment.

btw I do think it's slightly ironic that Irish people get annoyed about not being called British and Irish history and culture not being taught in the UK, but then use English/England and UK interchangeably, as you've done here, ignoring the (often quite significant differences) between England, Wales& Scotland.

Obviously this is just one example but when I last visited Dublin I went to a major tourist attraction and was asked by the Irish person working there where I was from, when I said 'Cardiff,' she asked if that was in England, so the lack of interest/education can go both ways.

Which to some extent is understandable, we are two completely different countries. I still think we have a lot more in common than pretty much any other country in the world.

Agree with this!

@bigwhitedog yes exactly, many think it was just the IRA & don't know about the loyalists & the collusion. They also have little understanding that what happened terror wise in say London was a very different experience to say Belfast.

Left Ireland for N Ireland in 1991, then London since 2002. Big things that still make me gasp...
Body in a morgue for weeks before a funeral. DC have been told to get me back home to Ireland while still warm and don't leave me languishing in an English fridge.
Hierarchy for everything - currently listening to friends here talk about DC and uni next year and it isn't just about Oxbridge and RG, but which college in the university and which halls, etc. Madness.
Wealthy people insisting on keeping their heating off until icicles fall from their nose like some sort of purity test.
Yes class - there's a great viral video of an Irish comedian saying that in Ireland there is people, then people with notions.
Being in someone's house for hours and not being offered something to eat.
I'll have more, but I feel better for getting those off my chest.

Well people getting married later, less second marriages and less divorces is just a fact. The abortion rate is significantly lower as well.

I assume that the divorce and abortion is down to some deep rooted catholic guilt that we are all barely aware of. It will be interesting to see if these figures move as kids today are brought up very light on religion, if it is there at all.

There has been just enormous changes over the last 35 years or so. Ireland is completely unrecognisable from the Ireland of my childhood, in a good way.

I’ve lived and worked in the UK and I live and work in 2 different counties in Ireland where a lot of my work colleagues come from counties further away. I find a big urban rural divide in Ireland. I found a lot of cultural differences with the UK when I lived there mostly around what they put on their chips and what they call a chip shop and the length of a mass of I had to find a church to bring my parents on a visit. An Irish priest in Ireland would be run out of town for those hour plus masses whereas in the UK a long mass seems to be not just appreciated but expected by the locals.

There are tonnes of seperated and divorced folks where I work in Ireland, that must be a particular peculiarity of our different experiences and loads of marriages that don’t show up as divorce end in Ireland where they stay married for appearance even with decades long other relationships.

I assume that the divorce and abortion is down to some deep rooted catholic guilt that we are all barely aware of. It will be interesting to see if these figures move as kids today are brought up very light on religion, if it is there at all.

I’m not certain it has to do with religion now. I just think it takes generations for these things to change. If you grow up with your parents together, and nobody you know splits up, then that is your norm.

Divorce is absolutely necessary and essential when needed…but I sometimes think people mightn’t work on their marriages enough when there’s a minor blip if divorce is the norm. At least judging from all the cries of LTB on MN threads.

I agree with this 💯. I’m from a similar background and tho I love them dearly, my Irish side are much more snobby than my English relatives and sadly, many of them are quietly racist too. However, those who have lived in London, really admire the diversity and tolerance of London life. They also say that their favourite thing about England is having a private life over here.

I like the discreet wedding behaviour when you give €200 for a present and you get no thanks several weddings

So I'm not Irish but I've a good friend there I went to uni with. His family are lovely and I go over often. It seems that almost every adult does some sort of voluntary work, either with sports, kids socials etc, it seems so community minded. My friend is gay and so is his sister, this isn't discussed openly, their partners are referred to as flatmates.

They also say that their favourite thing about England is having a private life over here.

That's true, my mum hated that everyone knew her business.