Not offering seats for pregnant women

[Pregnantgrumps]

I’m pregnant for the first time and have been really shocked and disappointed in people’s failure to offer seats on public transport / waiting rooms / platforms / you name it.

Is this just a phenomenon in my local area or everywhere now?

At first from about 5 months pregnant I joked about it to DP and family and friends: how pregnant do you have to be before people offer you a seat?? But I’m now 40 WEEKS pregnant and not laughing anymore.

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

Yesterday I was literally having to weigh up do I get off the train and wait for another that might have seats or do I say something and try and shame people into getting up. Because I can no longer stand for the full journey to the hospital / midwives.

I appreciate maybe there’s some people who carry their pregnancy weight in such a way that it’s ambiguous but I literally look like I’m shoplifting a melon here.

I think this is a situation where everyone just needs to 'use their words'. It's best to ask politely if you can take the priority seat, rather than hope people see you.

It's also fine for someone to reply that they have a condition which means they would struggle to stand too.

You go, 'that's fair enough' and then ask the next person, who usually has already got up at this point.

We're not mind readers, so we have to have these conversations around priority seats. It takes a few seconds. Feels like a particularly British problem to avoid slightly awkward conversations at all costs! Silly really.

Not the case for everyone. With my second pregnancy I couldn't stand for long as I was in so much pain with my hips

I could be wrong, but I am hesitant to assume someone is pregnant - what if they are overweight/obese? I know sometimes (especially at the end) it can be very obvious, but it isn't always. I wouldn't want to embarrass them.

As for not wanting to talk to people on public transport, that depends on where you live. You can't shut us Midlands lot up.

I have already apologised.

What was it you said?

oh yes.

Tell me you haven’t read my updates without telling me you haven’t read my updates …

The responses to this are bizarre. Pointlessly unkind in places. Good luck with your imminent baby OP

Do you have the badge that says you are pregnant? Maybe a visual clue is needed as people don't want to presume....

You need to ask.

But also pointing out that it’s dangerous for a pregnant woman to stand on a moving train or bus. Many posters seem to be overlooking this. You’re more likely to fall and the fall can be harmful to you and your baby.

Exactly (re avoiding passive aggressive comments). Not this thread but on so many others, posters suggest making snidey passive aggressive comments that would get most people's backs up. Whereas a direct but polite request would be unlikely to do so

Most people aren’t constantly scanning their surroundings for pregnant women or anyone else that might need a seat. People are thinking about their own lives. If you want a seat, ask the question so people can hear and hopefully one of them will be able to offer you a seat.

This! (the 'not pregnant but fat' cringey scenario)

I found this during my second pregnancy last year OP. I think it’s because more and more everyone is on their ‘phones. The only people who ever offered me a seat were young men who I presumed were from other cultures or raised by parents who were.
It was eye opening!

Well thank you for your apology.

But I’m not going to apologise for simply standing up for myself to your originally argumentative post by pointing out that you hadn’t read my updates and reiterating that I specifically said I wouldn’t challenge an individual person for their seat in case they were disabled. Especially as there was nothing in my OP that suggested I believed I was entitled to a disabled person’s seat.

Im also not sure how ‘Tell me you haven’t read my updates without telling me you haven’t read my updates’ is more insulting.

Yes, if you commute by crowded public transport daily, the way most people survive is by zoning out, not taking much notice of their surroundings, listening to music or a podcast, reading etc. On the tube in particularly, you will know tourists or new Londoners by the eye contact.

I commute by train daily OP (and am pregnant). Visibly so. Badge on etc.

I am offered a seat ~50% of the time.

I’ve noticed on the tube people are more open to it than the train (shorter journeys maybe?).

Often I will see several people notice me, and then they furiously look at their phones or put the window to avoid catching my eye.

You have to really advocate for yourself I’m afraid.

The worst offenders are middle aged men!

Those asking why pregnant women need seats. I fell over in my first pregnancy and the baby stopped growing. He was very poorly in his first few weeks of life. I would not wish that on anyone - pregnant women should be sitting on moving transport.

Don't ask the room 🤦‍♀️ - just ask those sitting in a priority seat (or those nearest to you) rather than bellowing into a crowded void!

People are annoyed to have to give up their seats I think.

I have noticed when I stand on the platform, other commuters often move away, presumably knowing my presence means they are less likely to get a seat.

And people definitely see you and then go out of their way to pretend they haven’t!

I am good at advocating for myself now - and also advocate for others if I see they need help. On more than one occasion has a stranger shouted at a train carriage of people on my behalf.

Despite people’s opinions I’m personally gonna go against the grain and will continue to offer seats to people who look like they need it without being asked once this pregnancy is over.

That's all you can do OP, I don't travel public transport very much, but every time I see people being inconsiderate, at our bus station there is only around 5 seats so I never sit in them, but people come along sit down put their bags and shopping on the next one, get their phones out and completely ignore anyone who comes along who looks like they may need it.. it's quite interesting to observe, but also quite sad, it's a range of ages, from older people, middle age, teenagers etc, same thing in waiting rooms etc.. not many people pay attention to anyone else, they are too self absorbed.

It just seems to be the way things are now, inconsiderate shoppers, inconsiderate drivers, inconsiderate travellers, they are everywhere you look. An awful lot of people out there only care about themselves and will NEVER voluntarily do something selfless for a stranger.

I'll keep being one of those that tries to pay attention and be considerate, and hopefully you and others will keep being one of those people that pays attention, sometimes doing something nice for someone makes such a massive difference to their day, but it just doesn't seem to be the norm anymore.

@Pregnantgrumps

I too commuted in London during my 2 pregnancies and it was at times baffling that people didn’t think to offer their seats.

What it DID teach me is to be unapologetic about advocating for myself.

It has served me well in all aspects
of parenthood.

I hope your baby comes soon.

Often I will see several people notice me, and then they furiously look at their phones or put the window to avoid catching my eye.

Yes this is exactly it. The people glued to their phone are annoyingly oblivious but I do appreciate they haven’t seen me. But I see a lot of people looking at me and I assume hoping someone else will offer their seat so they don’t have to.

They don’t really have badges for disabled or pregnant people where I am but it would be good if they introduced them so people started looking out for them like in london.

As I mentioned in a previous post, they have a big campaign in my area on the public transport at the moment, encouraging people to be more aware of others around them who may be in more need of a seat. So that’s more the approach the transport services here are promoting rather than that disabled and pregnant people are expected to ask.

I quoted your own post back at you. Because.

I hadn’t read your updates because, as I have already explained, I’m on painkillers (specifically the heavy duty opiates, namely long acting and short acting oxycodone) it often takes me time to type a post and the thread may have moved on in that time.

They don't even give them up for people who have been really il/had operations/can barely walk. To be fair, I have seen men screamed at for giving up seats to women ("patriarchal M*, pregnancy isn't an illness" was just one of the insults lobbed at the poor guy, so I doubt he's ever offered again). As kids, we were told to give up our seats to anyone older/more vulnerable, and going back, probably at one point nearly ALL women were either pregnant, or left with pain/damage from multiple births without the support we have today (pre NHS, some women had terrible births because they couldn't afford decent care, and might have been forced to do without interventions like CS).
Now, that just doesn't seem to happen, and people do seem to be more ableist, and less considerate. There was a a depressing thread (well-known AITA type site) which went on about how having a hangover and being pregnant are both self-inflicted, and how entitled pregnant women are to expect more sympathy than a hungover person (nice, I know).
One of my best friends is currently pregnant, and was struggling up the stairs (lift broken in the centre)with her two older children and suffering pelvic pain which never went after her second birth, and says no one helped her at all-as a kid, I helped parents carry prams if they had to use stairs. Why not now? Why won't we give up seats, or anything else? Are we scared of interfering and being recorded? Are we just nastier?

I agree, however you don’t know why someone ain’t offering you a seat. I’m currently 7 months pregnant but only just started showing.

last month (so 6 months pregnant), I wasn’t showing and a heavily pregnant women kept starting at me as if to say ‘give me your seat’. However, I also have a long term foot injury that makes it hard, so even when I’m not pregnant, I won’t get up for a pregnant woman. I find my foot injury more debilitating that being 7 months pregnant tbh. And yes, I vomited most days until 23 weeks so I get it.

I too would really cringe at shouting into a room!

I’ve seen people with non-official ones - maybe have a look on Etsy. Then people aren’t guessing if you are pregnant or not.

I do also think once you ask, people normally do it… they just want to avoid being the one asked by not drawing attention to themselves.

Agree with PP re: targeting the people in the seats reserved for those with mobility issues. If you sit in those seats, you know you are fair game for this IMO.