Not offering seats for pregnant women

[Pregnantgrumps]

I’m pregnant for the first time and have been really shocked and disappointed in people’s failure to offer seats on public transport / waiting rooms / platforms / you name it.

Is this just a phenomenon in my local area or everywhere now?

At first from about 5 months pregnant I joked about it to DP and family and friends: how pregnant do you have to be before people offer you a seat?? But I’m now 40 WEEKS pregnant and not laughing anymore.

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

Yesterday I was literally having to weigh up do I get off the train and wait for another that might have seats or do I say something and try and shame people into getting up. Because I can no longer stand for the full journey to the hospital / midwives.

I appreciate maybe there’s some people who carry their pregnancy weight in such a way that it’s ambiguous but I literally look like I’m shoplifting a melon here.

Tell me you haven’t read my updates without telling me you haven’t read my updates…

🙄

Are you very young?

I live in the Midlands, and I never had anyone offer me a seat when I was heavily pregnant, and I was CLEARLY heavily pregnant. It was like I was smuggling a barrel.

It's not new and not just your area. My brother in law used to commute on the same train as me once a week when I was pregnant last in 2012 and the only time I'd get a seat offered to me was when he'd tell someone else to move for me.

I would never assume someone's pregnant even if they looked like the most pregnant person in the world just in case. I've had people assume I'm pregnant in really awkward and obvious ways when I've not been. Same with older people. I do offer my seat to people though!!!

I'll never frame it as "you look frail..." but "I've been sat down for ages, shall we swap?" or "I'm off to use to loo, do you want to pop in here?"

Or if I'm with my teenage boys I'll say "we can stand, they're big strong lads, don't want to waste a seat on them - do you want to come in here?" kind of thing.

My main tactic when pregnant would be sticking out my belly and rubbing it making big sighs. What about a passive aggressive phone call "hiya, no I feel awful actually, I'm stood on this packed train and my back's killing me".

Or I guess, ask. I get that it feels cringe though!

God people on mumsnet make such a big deal out of things (and I dont mean the OP). Of course there are people with invisible disabilities but the majority dont and a clearly pregnant woman shouldnt have to ask for a seat. I once moved to let a pregnant woman sit in my seat on the tube in London, a young man sat straight down, I told him I was moving for the pregnant woman to have a seat and he refused to move! We got in a big argument about it and eventually someone else offered her their seat but some people are just ignorant arseholes who dont care about anyone else.

The thing is. The painkillers I take mean that it can take me longer than average to frame a post because my brain feels like it made of mashed potato. And I often find that a thread has moved on by the time I post.

🤷🏼‍♀️

I would always offer my seat to someone who looked as though they might need it.

As a child, we were always told to stand up and give our seat to an adult. I did the same with my children, too.

I've read on here many times that people don't see it that way now and that children should sit in favour of adults.

Maybe that shift in attitude is biting you on the arse.

I forget that people will turn on you for everything on mumsnet.. not the place to come for any sympathy or understanding when you’re overdue and uncomfortable and frustrated.

It’s ridiculous. I think you’ve had some good advice when it comes to just to asking nicely, though. I don’t really look up at most passengers on public transport, but would be very happy to give up my seat to anyone asking politely. I would imagine most people who couldn’t would reply civilly too, so don’t let the silly accusations about entitlement deter you.

Never been pregnant btw. Based on some of the responses on here, I’m not sure that’s a good indication of someone’s views on this topic!

I am one of those people. I have sacroiliac joint dysfunction. I can walk for miles but if I stand still I'm in pain within minutes. Luckily I don't use public transport but there have been situations like in a pharmacy where I have stuck to my seat despite older people standing, feeling terrible because they obviously don't know how much it hurts me to stand.

Totally understandable.

It's a shame that the OP couldn't afford you a little of the tolerance and kindness they're looking for them self.

I’ve spent a lot of time travelling on tubes and trains whilst pregnant and my advice is

• prominently wearing the “baby on board” badge. I know not everyone likes but removed the pregnant v bloated/fat concerns and makes clear you’d be happy to be offered a seat.
• get in front of the people sitting and preferably make sure sure bump is visible. Almost bear in mind not always obvious if see you from behind or straight on. Nobody is going to see you if away from seats.
• cheerfully with a smile (that is important) ask the people in priority seats if possible to sit down. If they say sorry, disability, ask those around. The risk of asking generally if everyone thinks someone else should do it. There is the odd asshole but most people will be respectful.

if disabled the same but with a “please offer me a seat” badge.

I had the same experience on the London tube reasonably regularly, unfortunately. I found the line “do you need those priority seats?” helpful. It allows space for someone to say yes if they do, while politely emphasising what is seats are for if they don’t.

You shame people into getting up for you?

It does repulse me when I see men manspreading in seats when older women are standing. I don’t understand at all how they can justify to themselves their lack of care. To not give your seat to a pregnant woman is the sign of something gone very wrong in attitudes. Sad.

You have to woman up, speak directly and go for the priority seats. Most people don’t have hidden disabilities.
More importantly you will find you can’t squeeze up as you get bigger and as the weather changes and everyone’s in coats your bump will be less obvious. I got very bolshie with both DCs when commuting on buses/tubes/trains in London at rush hour. Practise your best Paddington hard stare. One thing I noticed that it was young black/Asian men who jumped up most frequently. Go for younger women too as v possibly the women your age are pregnant/exhausted mothers

This happened to me when I was visiting London a few years back. Tube was rammed and I was 8 months pregnant. I couldn't stand anymore as it was so hot too. I shouted down the tube, "I see nobody gives up seats for heavily pregnant woman in London then", a kind American man stood up for me. People don't care. But I would say something if I were you.

Are you in the UK? I’ve noticed here priority seats/queues aren’t taken very seriously.

In my country it’s almost automatic.

When I was pregnant , I did notice it was always women who would jump straight up to offer the seat. Men were always looking somewhere else 😂

I was once in the train next to my very visible pregnant colleague. It was pretty crowded and jumpy and she was getting knocked around a bit. Nobody offered their seat, I was pretty shocked !

So because you don’t like what a man says you wouldn’t help out a woman?

People were all very nice to me when I was pregnant and I never actually had to ask for a seat, they always offered.

Last time I saw a heavily pregnant woman on the tube I offered her my seat and she snapped ‘I’m pregnant, not ill. When I want to sit, I’ll fucking ask’

Okay. She can ask, but I won’t be moving! 😬

Im not young.

And I stand by pushing back at that poster because they weren’t being kind or tolerant when they posted that I thought I was more entitled to a disabled person’s seat. Nothing in any of my posts has indicated that.

Would it hurt to ask politely instead of shouting at everyone?

I have medical issues that mean I struggle without a seat and I might take some time to recover without one, it could affect me for several weeks. It might not but hard to predict. I have also been pregnant.

I always offer my seat because I figure I am one body, one person, if I take a few weeks to recover then hopefully I will do that. The pregnant woman is two bodies, two people, and if anything goes wrong a life is at stake. There have been several times I have given up my seat when many people around could possibly have done so more easily. I don’t mind but it’s a shame people don’t offer more.

I know my DP is always keen to jump up at the first opportunity although he also worries about offending someone if they aren’t pregnant after all 😂

For me personally it would need to depend on the length of the journey. I've got a metal plate in my leg/hip so can't comfortably stand still for more than about five minutes.

I probably would feel slightly more guilty leaving an elderly/frail or visibly physically disabled person standing, in fact I'd probably more likely stand for them. But only because pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean someone is in pain or severely debilitated. Also I might not realise they were pregnant. If they asked I would do it though.

Overall if I was able to stand easily I would always give my seat to a (more) disabled, elderly or visibly pregnant person. But sadly I can't for long periods.

This ^

Assuming the carriage has seats that are intended for use by disabled/elderly/pregnant passengers the OP simply goes up to those seats, points out to the occupants that she is heavily pregnant and would one of them mind giving up their seat.

If that fails - either because the seats are already occupied by disabled/elderly/pregnant passengers, or because there are no such seats - she simply asks the youngest looking man in the carriage.

She'll get a seat straight away.

(I'm a man and I don't think I'd necessarily notice if a heavily pregnant woman got on the train and was standing. I studiously avoid eye contact with everyone when the train or tube is full and keep my nose in a book or my phone. I'm oblivious to everything)

Stop being silly, and just ask for what you need. We’re not all here to guess your every need. Some pregnant ladies prefer to stand.

(Personally I would offer a seat if I noticed someone was more in need of it, and I do try to keep alert to this stuff. But people don’t have to do it.)