Not offering seats for pregnant women

[Pregnantgrumps]

I’m pregnant for the first time and have been really shocked and disappointed in people’s failure to offer seats on public transport / waiting rooms / platforms / you name it.

Is this just a phenomenon in my local area or everywhere now?

At first from about 5 months pregnant I joked about it to DP and family and friends: how pregnant do you have to be before people offer you a seat?? But I’m now 40 WEEKS pregnant and not laughing anymore.

Basically I’ve discovered the only chance of being offered a seat is if there’s a woman sitting who has been pregnant herself. If it’s all young people or men you can forget it.

Yesterday I was literally having to weigh up do I get off the train and wait for another that might have seats or do I say something and try and shame people into getting up. Because I can no longer stand for the full journey to the hospital / midwives.

I appreciate maybe there’s some people who carry their pregnancy weight in such a way that it’s ambiguous but I literally look like I’m shoplifting a melon here.

one of the ways I manage my pain is by listening to music on my headphones and zoning out and concentrating on my inner voice.

I try not to notice anything beyond my calming voice and my breathing.

I wouldn’t necessarily notice who was around and about me.

I was given a voucher for one of those ghastly private scan places when I was about 24-weeks pregnant. It was given to me as I’d just had an amniocentesis and found out my baby was likely to survive.

I went along with my H to get one of those melted cheese 4D scans. The waiting room was full of one huge family. About 30 of them. Aunts, uncles, cousins, kids, grandparents… they were all sprawled across all the sofas and seats. All of them. Most of them just in their phones. The pregnant woman was in the scan room. There were only two scan rooms, so only two families in at any one time.

I stood there, (was perfectly fine to stand but thought I’d run a bit of an experiment to see if any of these ignorant fuckers would offer me a seat) and not one of them did. Not one. I said “excuse me, can I sit down please?” to a young twenty-something man and he said “nah, I need to sit down.”

It was genuinely astonishing. My H was about to start removing them from seats but I spoke to the woman on the desk her excellently and sternly got them to move, but my god. The ignorance and selfishness was eye-opening.

Similar happened at the hospital scans. I had to go a lot for growth scans and stupid twat fathers sat on ALL the seats and 9/10 would studiously avoid looking up or offering a seat.

Same on the tube.

I used to get quite a kick out of highlighting what ignorant cunts they all were by standing there, pregnant, while they all tried to avoid looking at me. I was very fortunate to not suffer physically in pregnancy though. Externally, anyway.

Years ago, I was on a train and saw a man ask a lady did she want his seat and pointed at her tum. He thought she was pregnant. She wasn’t. It was really uncomfortable for both of them and everyone around. I doubt this man ever asked another lady did she want his seat again.

I forget that people will turn on you for everything on mumsnet.. not the place to come for any sympathy or understanding when you’re overdue and uncomfortable and frustrated.

There are nice ways of saying you think the solution is to speak up. Like “don’t be afraid to speak up, people won’t be offended. That’s what I do.”

Not “are you non-verbal?” “You’re just being awkward” “why do you think you’re more important than disabled people” 😳

Dont think I’m on the same page as most of you. Despite people’s opinions I’m personally gonna go against the grain and will continue to offer seats to people who look like they need it without being asked once this pregnancy is over.

Actually in my experience it’s the young people who are more likely to offer and the older generation that are rude and entitled

I was offered a seat due to my pregnancy… I wasn’t pregnant 🙈 the whole carriage had a tumbleweed moment. I was a size 10-12 but it was very hot so I was a bit bloated. But then I’d have asked when pregnant if I needed a seat. With dd1 I felt totally fine, with twins I felt sick and like I was likely to faint every day.

That’s why I said I asked, they were free to tell me that no, they needed the seat, which I would have accepted without question and asked someone else. Unless they have an invisible disability and are also unable to speak which I would imagine is vanishingly unlikely. So sorry, but I don’t see anything wrong with my approach. By and large the majority of people sitting in the priority seats on any given morning on the rush hour tube don’t need them so I’m not going to not ask and rather shout down at the whole train in general just in case the person had an invisible disability.

I’m astonished by the lack of sympathy for the OP on this thread. If it’s any consolation, OP, it was ever thus - I can remember being in the tube, vastly pregnant and carrying a toddler, and the only person why offered me a seat was a young female Italian student. The baby I was expecting is now in her thirties. Clearly nothing has changed - but I think it’s very poor show on the part of those who plug themselves into their phones and steadfastly refuse to stand for someone who clearly needs a set more than they do.

If someone wants i seat they can politely ask, i did not need a seat and no one knew i was pregnant even at 9 months anyway, no one could tell but regardless people are not physic and if a pregnant woman challenged me because I physically should have offered a seat because they have some need they expect people they need to know they will be told the world does not revolve around them, politely ask and I will assist

Do you have a badge OP? Even though it sounds very bloody obvious you’re pregnant. Really anyone who needs a seat should wear one as that negates any awkwardness in asking someone to give up their priority seat.

You are right though. I had a baby pre covid and was often not offered a seat on the bus and tube, but with my second post covid it was so much worse. So many young people in priority seats would look and then shut their eyes to pretend you weren’t there. A couple of times people got outraged on my behalf.

You need the seat though, if you fall or faint, which is more likely than for most, then the emergency alarm needs to be pulled and everyone is inconvenienced. We are collectively better off if pregnant women and those in need of a seat are given one. I wish people would have the intelligence to see that.

I had to ask once on the central line as I was struggling to balance. The guy was sitting in the “pregnancy seat” and he said no. I was so shocked that I burst into tears. I

Yeah I noticed this too @Pregnantgrumps when I was pregnant the first time.

Second time luckily it was during COVID so no public transport travelling at all! But that came with a whole other host of worries.

Anyway, mostly folk aren't being rude it's generally because they are looking at their phones in a world of their own not paying attention. When I got really pregnant and my back was killing me I just asked politely.

One time though I got on and I could see an elderly man with two walking sticks in the priority seating so I just stood in the aisle. However bless him, he saw me, started to struggle to get up, tried to collect his walking sticks to get up and let me sit! I was protesting, going, no no no, please stay seated, you need it more than me, it's fine. The kerfuffle shook a young man staring at his phone out of his phone trance and he glanced up, saw with horror an old disabled man trying to let a v pregnant woman (me) sit down and gave me his seat after we'd both made sure the elderly man was sitting down again. Then he apologised for not seeing me. I said, don't worry, it's fine, no one pays attention these days. It was almost comical tbh.

Very much with you on this. Second pregnancy (and been a difficult one with twins). I’ve looked very pregnant since about 12 weeks.

Been on trains a few times and once felt very dizzy, asked for a seat from a teen in the bit of the train where their is an image of a pregnant lady/priority seat and teenager said no they had it first. Pointed out it’s priority seating and they said I didn’t need it. Aware teen could have had a hidden illness ect but very much doubt it from her attitude.

Very awkward journey as some other folk then offered me their seats but had my sleeping toddler in the pram which meant I couldn’t really leave them as would’ve been separated due to crowded train and so spent the rest of the journey trying not to faint but basically having to hover over this girl who kept getting redder in the face.

However I would just offer, I’m aware people have this weird opinion that your pregnant and not unwell which is true is some ways. However you can feel pretty damn awful and heavy and sore and need a seat. There’s a reason for pregnancy being included in priority seating.
I’d always offer (even before pregnancy) because it’s the decent thing to do and some people don’t like to ask (which is also understandable).

What happened then? Either he said 'Sorry, I have a hidden disability', or the whole carriage started hitting him with rolled-up copies of the Metro?

A lot of people don't notice. The badges help. I would always offer a seat to a pregnant woman but sometimes it's genuinely not obvious, especially if there's a couple of people between you and them and when they're wearing a cardigan or coat. When I was pregnant, I tended to give people the benefit of the doubt because some are just genuinely focused on what they're doing. I didn't notice the man standing behind me had a broken arm this morning until he moved to get off, because of how he'd been standing - I very apologetically said I hoped I hadn't bashed into him and he said he was fine.

Some people notice but need to the seat themselves. Fine.

Some people notice but are too selfish to offer it. Worms.

The problem is that it's difficult always to distinguish the latter two groups.

Why in ‘more’ and not equal need? Being heavily pregnant is hard - and your balance is completely off. A tumble wouldn’t end well. I have been pregnant and I have an issue with my knee, where it gives in. Neither issue should trump the other

No need for the one up man ship - some people need seats more than others. Those that don’t have issue should stand, if needed.

The thing to do if no one gives you a seat and you need one is to sit down on the floor. That usually shames someone into getting up.

Or you could just ask for a seat?

And if people need a seat they can ask

The "pregnancy not being an illness" thing is absolutely ridiculous. Of course it's not an illness, but if you're dizzy, nautious or too exhausted to stand, then you are at that point unwell and should be given a seat the same as anyone else who is struggling.

This is at the point that you've asked and been refused.

It doesn’t, in my experience.
I used to do it a lot because it was that or faint.

Main character syndrome. I doubt anyone even looked at you to even assume you were pregnant, let alone think about offering you a seat.

If it doesn't work, you can always enjoy sticking your legs out and "accidentally" tripping them on the way off. Or getting up excruciatingly slowly if anyone needs past 😁.

Just ask. People are so focused on their phones they may not notice. Do you have a “pregnant” badge - it may help. I’m so wary of assuming anyone is pregnant that I always look for the badge.