To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

he will have to ‘un retire ‘ till his kids have finished school.
I don’t think you should pay.

If the DS is seriously going to be taken out of the school, you see a future with his DF and the sum of money to you is the equivalent of an annual holiday then i would pay it. Id hate to see a child's education disrupted at the final hurdle through no fault of their own. I think its thoroughly decent that you wouldn't want the child to know that the money came from you.

My brothers God father paid for him to have a couple of terms at a private nursery before he started school as he was really struggling in the Council one. He was a good family friend at the time but as sometimes happens people grow up in different directions and pick up different hobbies. We now rarely see this family friend except to occasionally bump into in the street. I occasionally wonder whether he ever gives a thought to the positive impact he had on my brothers life by giving that money to my parents for his place, 30 odd years ago.

I agree with pp that it seems odd the DF would rather pull his son out of school than go back to work full time for a few years.

Absolutely not, utterly ridiculous.

But were they paying so the child’s parents didn’t have to get a job? Which would be the situation here.

Can you afford to lose it all or are you hoping he will pay you back?

Quite. This is a bit laughable, OP. Are you winding everyone up?

This exactly.

Do you want to do it to feel good about yourself? Feel like you’re high and mighty like some white saviour complex? Find random (not) destitute people to donate money to?

How does she know there even is a child?
Maybe he's playing her.

All nonsense
from start to finish

So your boyfriend faffs about, leisurely part time work knowing there is a shortfall in finances. Fact he isn’t stepping up speak volumes. This is his responsibility and he had delegated it to his girlfriend. He really goes the extra mile for his kids,not

I’d do it. Good education is the best thing you can spend your money on. And like you say if it’s the contribution the cost of a skiing holiday, I’d do it. Kindness starts at home.
Many responses here are baised as they disagree with private education.
oh and well done for getting your children in grammar schools!

Haven't RTFT and don't intend to but its your money and if you can do it easily and not stint your own kids then its your money why not? I'd be telling them first though and making sure they won't resent it. My only unease is about it being a favour to the BF. I think he should understand that its a pay it forward and while you would have only known about the child through him, its for the child.... I'd also think about how you will pay it and what you would do if you split up while the child was still at school
TLDR yes in principle but think carefully about the detail.

You’ve only been together a year, he knew his child was in expensive education when he part retired - there’s just no way I’d part with approximately £10k to support his child in those circumstances, or indeed any circumstances after just a year.

No, don't. It's not necessary to be in private education for 6th form, my ds found if stifling and the options were limited due to class sizes. Lot of private schools give 6th form to existing students for free if the child has been at the school throughout secondary so that's worth him investigating. Split the money between your children or gift it to your old school or an education charity
You definitely don't need to giving it to a boyfriends child you've never met. My ex husband gained 2 step daughters when he remarried, he gave them both a large lump sum, gave our son nothing at all and left me putting ds through private education on a full bursary!

Personally no, I wouldn’t do this. Plenty of DC attend state sixth form after private secondary. She will survive.

You may be doing your BF a disservice by helping. Even with your help, it will be a stretch for him. There is no reason to think the dc won't have a great time at a different sixth form. It would give your BF a breathing space before his dc goes to uni. If you help him, he is facing being overstretched for years.

Keep repeating your username to yourself.

Smdh🙄.

It depends if the fees are s drop in the ocean for you financially then ok do it as a charitable gift, like if you are a multimillionaire.. If it is eating into your future then no, unkess you want to do it as a loan with explicit terms written in contract.
The boy will be fine either way.

Would this money be a gift?

Your BF is ‘devastated’?

Wow

is he aware that there are these things called state schools. The vast majority of people go there. And do fine.

probably do his child good to mix with normal human beings instead of those who have had life handed to them on a plate.

Sorry OP - changed my vote, and my mind.

I previously thought that you were generous for paying it forward… but the fact that he is part retired has completely changed my mind.
I now agree with others saying that he needs to find a way to borrow the money needed for his child.

Its good that you posted on here though if it has made you re-examine your reasons for considering this.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this. It is too much for him.

In that case, he needs to go back to FT work for a couple of years, not rely on you! I know he ISN'T relying on you, but if he did accept your very generous (but completely batshit) offer, then he would be a twat of the highest order. Honestly OP, please just butt out of this couple's financial dilemma - it's nothing to do with you. And as for DC3, s/he will be absolutely fine in another educational setting. Many state sixth forms are excellent, because the DC who stay on and do A levels are the bright, motivated ones. The ones for whom school has always been an unwelcome chore move on at 16 to do other things.

This is definitely a factor - although also none of my business. The fees will still be a burden to BF, even if I chip in. Might be better to rip off the bandaid.

You do whatever you like with your own money. You are fortunate that you have enough to do so if you wish.

I personally (if in your situation) would have ZERO respect for a recent bf who would even ASK you to fund this. It's a thing most people (particularly men - their pride) won't do unless as a last resort after every other avenue has been explored and there's a dead end with full evidence of the desperate straits and why this came about.

Or he is a grifter, trying to suss you out for bleeding you dry bit by bit.

Why did he divorce I wonder?

Your relationship is too new and you don't even live together. I wouldn't.