To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

I think it could change the dynamics of your relationship with your boyfriend negatively.

If you feel like being generous towards students in need of financial support there are plenty of schools and universities which have scholarships and hardship funds where a donation would be more than welcomed.

But interested enough to gamble your money. Your choice but I'll assume father is 50. Part retired so living off salary and investments? Some inheritance or pay off? As another poster said will Uni fees be affordable?

The children have two parents who are responsible for the school fees, not your problem

You sound insane OP. Absolutely not.

Sixth form is a natural time to move so that would make me less inclined to contribute. When people start down private school track this is a risk they take. It’s not for you to make up for their financial oversight when you could invest it in your own future / your own DCs / etc. For example, they could be earlier retirement for you if paid into your pension or a house deposit for one of your DC (depending on where you live, etc. of course).

Don’t commit to this. It is unlikely to end well.

Nah mate. Not for me.

This would change the dynamic of your relationship. If he's decent, he'll always feel like he 'owes' you and may feel trapped in the relationship later because you did this huge gesture so early on (that is frankly, none of your business). Making it a gift is even worse imo. It does kind of feel OTT and like you have some rescuer complex that a lot of people would feel beholden to because it's so OTT.

A) Don't do it.
B) Has your boyfriend contacted the school to say they can't afford it anymore? Private schools will often reduce fees (I've even known them to waive fees entirely) for the last couple of years of a child's education if the family fall on hard times. This is particularly true for families who have had multiple children go all the way through the school.

It will change your relationship.
He will feel indebted to you.
The child's mother might not like it.
They might be insulted and feel like it's charity.
There are so many things that could go wrong and come back to bite you despite your good intentions.

I’ve got a couple of kids and I am finding the fees a bit tricky now. I might have to get a job. Do you think you could bung me a couple of 100 grand as well, to continue their education as it’s really vital they benefit from a private education and you clearly don’t need your money for your own family and can easily skip a holiday or two🤔

If you have the means and want to do it then why not? It’s your choice. I know several people who had school fees paid for by generous and kind hearted people x

If DC3 is that gifted, he/she may do very well wherever they go. It's a shame to move from what you know, and there will be a sense of inequality between the three children. Could he go back to full time? What is his plan to fund universty?

Must admit I winced at him being 'part-retired'. The VAT has been trailed for about two years and in place for a year, so lots of time for him and his ex to make adjustments or prep DS for state 6th form.

I agree with others that there will be potentially more angst from him about Uni costs etc. And the weirdness that a £10K gift would create in a one-year relationship.

Just read further. He’s part retired Can he go back full time then / pick up some extra hours / contracts. Etc. If the answer is yes then it’s not that he can’t afford it, it’s that he won’t afford it.

Please do not do this, it would be absolute madness.

Absolutely no way.

OP as someone who used to do stupid shit like this, I cannot emphasise enough: DO NOT DO THIS!!!

You think your boyfriend will be grateful and you will feel like his saviour, but in reality this will end very badly. You will look like a desperate crazy/stupid lady trying to buy his love and he will eventually resent your help and you will break up on bad terms. You will think he's an ungrateful sod and he will think you're just a fool. It always ends this way.

No good deed goes unpunished and all that...

definitely not, it’s a terrible idea.

If your relationship is struggling your bf won’t be able to split up with you because he’ll need your cash for two years! Mad idea.

It's a ridiculous idea, just so you can feel like the benefactor. If a boy friend accepted, it would put me right off him. Wouldn't it you OP?
You say you had help. I bet that was family and god parents, not your father's girlfriend of a year.
A different 6th form can do the world if good. He's going to have to mix with the hoi polloi at some time.

If you'd been together many years, living together or married and had a relationship with his children, then it's something you could have given some thought. In your circumstances, the answer would be No. You've never met the child concerned (and I guess you haven't met the other two either), you have no relationship with them, you've only been dating a year and don't live together (knowing each other prior to dating doesn't count). You'd be crazy to even consider paying the fees. It's not your responsibility.

Funding social mobility schemes via work is what I'd spend my money on, not bankrolling other privileged people's kids through private school.

Absolutely not. You’d be beyond BONKERS to even consider it. Unless you want to just be the cash cow?

Read this and then decide.

You've never met the child. He lives in a different part of the country. Have you met the ex or anyone else connected with him? How do you know you're not being fed a story?

You’ve only been together a year in a LDR and haven’t met the child but are considering paying their fees
He needs to get another job,they both do, scale back,sell his car, sell stuff, the parents need to make the sacrifices. Not you

Why on earth did your boyfriend retire when he still had a child in (what was presumably at that point) year 10? (I assume he has just started Year 11, as if he was going to move to state for year 12 he already would have done). There are not many people who think of retiring when they have young teenagers still in school.

Honestly if he is that cavalier about paying for his son’s education, you definitely shouldn’t step in. You should never care more than the boy’s own parents do.