To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

It's a no from me, OP, not for a child (you've never met) of a new-ish boyfriend you're not even living with.
What would happen if the relationship ended? What about when the child wants to go to a uni their parents can't afford?

How could you have any respect for a man who would accept the money.
Or is this a boast as to how much you have or even a fantasy.
I ask, because if I had that amount to give away, my call for advice would be with a money management company or solicitor, not an internet forum.
Have you looked into the tax implications? If not, why not.

This child isn't even your family, this man is a ' boyfriend'

Does the child not have 2 parents - one of whom I read has decided to go semi retired - what the fuck ?!!!

and does the child have any grandparents ? on both sides of the family
and / or aunties and uncles etc.

I would not have put my child into private education if I could not have paid for it all the way through, if it's a VAT problem - enough notice was given.

and yes I did put my child thru private education, education is very important to me.

There's a lot of truth in the saying - ' fools and their money are easily parted '

No bias from me, my kids went to private school. I wouldn’t be paying for the child of a bf I’d been with for all of 5 minutes though and whose child I had no relationship with. It’s madness.

OP my daughter was at the same school as the daughter of a famous producer who recently won a Grammy. He sent her to the local state school for 6th form.

I'm sure your boyfriend's kid will survive.

I would not do this for a number of reasons:
1/ main point. if I had money to spare I would invest it for my own children / future grandchildren. They come first.
2/ I honestly think your relationship with bf might not survive it. It will make him feel indebted to you and you will unconsciously feel he should be grateful. I bet it will cause arguments or come up in arguments. Money does funny things to people.
3/ if he is semi retired and wants if bad enough, he can go back to work full time for a period, or use some of his (presumably considerable) retirement funds for it. Or borrow the money from a bank initially and then do one of these things. If he doesn’t want it enough to work ft for 6 months, why should I short change my kids?

Is this another episode of Love Con Revenge?

If he's for real he can unretire himself.

as many have said, alot of kids change for 6th form, because it takes them out of their safe bubble and pushes them socially while they still have the stability and security of home. It helps them to take a step of independance - it may mean getting themselves to and from college by themselves for the first time, actually getting up and out the door, as well as learning about managing timetables and freetime and independant study.
Lots of the kids my son was at private school with left at that point, they had outgrown the community and needed to spread their wings, and many of the new kids who joined the sixth were from local secondaries who were on scholarships.
My son stayed, mainly because he hadnt done well at secondary, joined in year 9, and immediately got hit with homeschooling and covid. I felt he still needed the support and nurture, and he was also going to do an extra year doing an Art foundation after his A levels as a gap / learn some independance afterwards.
Its good prep for university.

Having to do sixth form elsewhere is hardly a problem - I’m sure quite a few will leave for other ‘free’ settings. I speak as someone who has 2 DC in private school and there is no way I will be paying for sixth form as well. Plus, the sixth form offering in some private schools is nowhere near as good as other settings. You’d be a fool to stump up for this, if you are putting your child in to a private school you have a responsibility to ensure you can see it through, if they can’t then tough, their child will be OK.

...hate...
...stupid...
...desperate...
...cock-blinded...
...What is wrong with you...

Woah - someone got out of the wrong side of bed today!

Nice thought, OP, but probably not for the best for the reasons various of the more considered reasons other posters have suggested. It will be for 6th form, so a good time as any to rip the band aid off

I don't think you should do this. The DC will progress well at a state sixth form.
Save/invest your money in other ways.

Money can change the whole dynamic of a relationship, in unexpected ways sometimes. Especially where there is a big imbalance.

Often the recipients are resentful.

A terrible idea. Sounds like you have a saviour complex OP

When DD wanted to attend a good university, DH and I both got part-time jobs in addition to our full-time jobs, as did DD who worked to pay for it as a 15, 16 and 17 year-old.

I'm an American and working long hours to afford extras is built into our culture. Our part-time jobs, btw, were not fancy.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this. It is too much for him.

This is beyond appalling to me. What a loser to be part-retired and 'devastated' to not have money to provide for his youngest. Dude, get a F-ing job!

If it means that much to your BF and his exDW, they will find a way.

You most definitely should not provide it.

You won’t get much change out of £40k if it’s a top private school, so unless you are so wealthy that this is like pocket change to you, I wouldn’t.

Yes, that's more than a ski holiday, I would have thought.

Sixth form can be taken elsewhere.
No difference at all really to be honest

If a man of that age can't afford a year's fees, what's he going to live on?
Sorry, too many holes.

I wouldn't, it's very kind of you to think to do it but this is your boyfriend and his ex wife's problem. I know it's the kid that loses out but that childs parents need to deal with it.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this.

Surely BF needs to unretire himself then?

I was going to post that you should only do it if you were prepared to make a loan (interest free) and be prepared to completely write off the money due to circumstances such as you splitting up, or his kids taking a disliking to you and demanding that their dad choose them over you, or anything else where he might not pay you back.

However the fact that he is partially retired changes this all. Even a part-time less prestigious 2nd job should really help to offset the £10k/year deficit.

No thinking rational person would even consider this with a boyfriend of a year. You really need to examine your motives here as it clearly isn’t about education.. if that was the case you would give it to a far more deserving cause. It’s smacks of trying to buy favour .. are you really that desperate. There are so many ways this could go wrong .. if you want the relationship to survive do not do this.

The kid won't lose out, they'll be fine at a state sixth form. They're a "whizz" apparently.

@WhyWhyWhyDelulu moving from private to state at sixth form is common (Dd has 2 at her school that she knows of and at least 3 at the grammar she left) just as the move from grammar to private.

the Dc can and will cope with this it is. Not your issue to solve

Do you want to be your short term BF's cash cow that keeps on giving? Can you afford to wave goodbye to that money?

You guys have been together a fairly short time. You don't live together.

The kid has parents who should be making his educational decisions and paying for them. If they can't afford private school, one of both can get second jobs to find it or go to regular schools. This is not a one time thing. They want their kid to have a private education but can't afford it. Tough

You're not a part of this family. Are you trying to buy your way in? Is he trying to suck significant money out of you? There's a lot of costs besides the tuition.

I think paying for an unrelated kid's private education would be a stupid move. I would immediately break up with him if he asked you for this.

If you can comfortably afford it it's fine. I have a different opinion to most posters. There's nothing wrong with helping out someone you deeply care about and being generous. Sounds like there's some special circumstances for this child.

You aren't being deceived, pressured or tricked into loaning money you can't afford.

I do find it a bit depressing that there's so much "look out for number one" attitude displayed, as though every last cent should be hoarded for your own child or yourself and never being generous to a good cause or someone you care about.

If they are already stretched, they might be glad to have a reason to opt out, but that might be hard for them to admit.
I had a few years of private education followed by state 6th form and loved my sixth form experience. From my point of view, I see no reason to continue in private education post year 11. All of the problems of state school that private school fixed were no longer there at 6th form.