To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Don'T even think that.
Your THREE children will have financial needs of their own soon enough.
HAVE YOU GOT MANY MANY MILLIONS?
IF SO - THEN MAYBE - BUT IF NOT - don't.

Scrap my previous comment. He can go back full
time, clearly not THAT upset!

You're planning to make up the shortfall while he's part retired?!

Wtf??!

How have you not met his child after a year

Or he could just get a loan.. or remortgage.. Or sell some valuables if its that important to him.

If he’s part retired, can he up his hours to cover the shortfall ? Seems the obvious solution to me. Does his wife work as well?

Also, has he spoken to the school to see if they can help in this situation, although I appreciate he may not be the only one.

I'm sorry that this will be painful to hear, but if you gave him the money how would you be confident that he was continuing your relationship for the right reasons?

I think I'd feel better about it if you'd been together for several years with joint financial responsibility, but not after just a year and so unbalanced financially

We live in a different part of the country and he commutes to see them. I could go too but have opted not to as I am busy and not that interested.

Or come out of his semi retirement and live up to his responsibilities. Who is going to pay for his children through university?

You want to give your boyfriend of under a year £80k or more? (Two years of fees at a “top public school”)

You are out of your mind.

I might, at a push, offer to lend the money but presumably he could borrow it elsewhere anyway?

Indeed he could.

But I have friends who I'd he happy to loan money to (not as much as £10k, but probably as much of my spare cash as £10k is to the OP) so if the OP wants to do the same here for someone who was her friend before he was her partner, I don't think that's necessarily a terrible idea.

No way. I don’t lend money, especially to men. The only exception would be immediate family members if they were struggling.

Most recent X started complaining of money problems and being skint all the time. I ended up bluntly telling him that he could think again if he was hinting for any money off me.

This will be a downward spiral. It’s up to himself, his ex or their families to pay for the child’s sixth form.

I went to a private school and only very few out of our year did exceptionally well academically. I ended up switching to a public sixth form and the kids there did much better overall.

This!!!

If it's £10k or so per year for 2 years, surely bf and ex can borrow it. Not from you

I definitely don’t want to lend. I would hand it over and wouldn’t want to discuss it further. I could do that.

However, you are all raising good points. I also have got lots of emails from my professional body asking if we would donate to funding social mobility programmes into my career….

OP you don’t even live together, you’ve never met the child , and it’s not school it’s sixth form … plus you have only been together a year !, just NO

There is no way I would pay for someone else’s child to have private schooling when my own went to state school.

Financial issues are so common especially for the school fees. I'd only do it if I could afford to give my own DC equal money.

A loan to pay it back would be my vote too.

I think it’s wonderful thing to do OP good of you to think about it.

What would the two other children have to say about it?

I’ve said YANBU because it’s completely up to you how you spend your money. 2 things that would influence my decision would be 1) whether the money was significant to me, such that it would eat into savings, stop me doing other things or take anything from my own children like deposits etc…
Whether there are any good alternative sixth forms around? My DH was privately educated but chose to go to a grammar sixth form. Have they explored other options?

Why are you not interested enough in his child to bother meeting them but interested enough to give them thousands of pounds?

Is this some kind of Lady Bountiful fantasy?

There are so many more deserving causes! Donate to Oxfam or Water Aid or SOS children's villages or even the local donkey sanctuary!

Loan the money to them? With a strict payment plan?

I think if you can afford to it and not miss the money, not expect anything in return and are happy doing it then do it, it’s your money to spend how you want.
I think it is a very thoughtful thing to do.

I’ve only skimmed the thread so sorry if I’m missing something but I find this a bit odd. ‘Top public school’ for 2 years of 6th form is likely to be over £100k yet between him and his ex they’re only ~£10k short but neither of them can get a loan or something to sort it?? If you’ve never met the DC are you quite sure you’re getting the whole truth?