To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

I think you are very kind and thoughtful to even contemplate this.
My concern for you would be the expectation you would help top up university funding when they leave.
Where would it end?

I wouldnt. If she is foolish enough to part with her money. as the mother of said child I would take it for the sake of my child. if not beholden to a loan agreement.

One year into a relationship and throwing all caution and intelligence out the window.

Honestly, sometimes people are asking to be treated like fools.

So he is just your boyfriend, you don’t even have a committed enough relationship to live together and don’t know or have met his kid.

If I was the boyfriend I’d not be asking this. He is using you for money if he expects or accepts you paying. Do not do it. How do you even know he is going to use it on fees? Even if that’s true it is absolutely not your job to do this and the £40 k could be invested for your own DC benefit and their children ( your grandchildren one day).

You have no idea if you have a future with this man but even if you do- he should not expect or even accept you paying like this as it’s taking advantage. I expect if you do this you will end up in lots more positions of a similar nature where your devastated’ bf uses the sympathy ploy and you go weak and offer to cough off.

Honestly - please see this for what it is. The 3 rd adv WILL survive a state 6 th form and your bf WILL get over its First world problem n all that!

What an amazing gesture however, after only a year together and no real commitment I’d steer clear. Unless you would pay regardless of relationship status aka if he ended it next week would you still comfortably pay as a friend?

Oh and I have a friend who ran her own business - bright lady - new bf convinced her to part with lots of cash and a car for various emotive reasons. He even married her! Finally he disappeared with her lovely posh car and she worked out from his emails he had a wife and kids in another country!! Sugar mamma! Beware!!

Absolutely not, sadly it isnt your responsibility !

Sorry you are nuts to consider this

why doesn’t your bf increase his hours back to cover the expense seeing how he is part retired? Can he get a loan? Can he or the wife release equity in a property can the wife get a loan

are bursary’s available?

if not then sorry the kid goes to 6th form collage and hates his parents forever

Has he applied to the school for a bursary. I worked in private education for many years and a good number of children has bursaries, especially during/after covid.

Sounds like you could potentially be on the next season of the Netflix show Love Con Revenge, if you hand that money over! Id be very wary of handing money over, especially the amounts you are talking, to any man/woman, for any reason.

Sixth form will be fine . So different to normal education. Look at a lot of sixth form colleges in your area. Not necessarily just schools. There will be a new influx from many people then .

with schools you might get the cohort from previous years . With 6th form colleges everyone is new and treated as an adult . No uniform, cafes,
canteens etc. the pupils going will have chosen their subjects and venue so will be more selective.

if it all fails the private school will always except child back ( with your money ) they always need fee payers. Try college first .

Sorry but I can't believe that you are seriously considering this or that anyone thinks that this is reasonable. You have never even met the child for goodness sake. Also what sort of person is he to willingly accept your money.

No private school that I am aware of would pay a bursary to a child because their parents had decided to go part time in their fifties for a better work/life balance.

They look at your finances in great detail, and expect you to have explored all avenues to afford the fees yourself.

To be honest I wouldn't be handing over thousands to a boyfriend I'd only been dating for a year especially when you haven't even met the kid who's education you're contemplating paying to continue. The lad has two parents who clearly didn't think over the affordability of sending 3 kids to private education. The fact you're asking on Mumsnet suggests you have some doubts and possibly rightly so. Thing is your boyfriend COULD end up taking advantage of your kindness and expect you to bail him out of other large financial commitments

I think the teenager, your boyfriend and his ex wife need to understand the value of independent education for sixth form. It may be a disadvantage for university admissions. The school may only be able to offer a limited range of subjects because of their small numbers compared with larger sixth form / FE colleges.

On the other hand the school may be able to offer bespoke options that fit the teenager's needs well.

They need to visit all the viable options within reasonable daily travelling distance from home during the open evenings over the autumn.

If university is a potential option it's worth going to open days that fall after GCSEs next summer - some universities care about A level choices in different ways.

The existing school are not best placed to advise - they will want to keep the teenager.

So I don't think you need to make a decision now - it's too early to be confident the existing school will be right for sixth form.

If you are going to do it - what if the teenager unexpectedly does very badly in their GCSEs and staying on at the school seems wrong in the circs?

I think morally if you start you'll be stuck with this for two or even three years regardless of what happens with your relationship with your boyfriend.

Secrets have a way of coming out over time - don't rely on the teenager never finding out you helped.

personally you should not do this, it will either undermine him and he may start feeling inadequate or he will get offended or he’s planted that seed of being really upset hoping you’d offer in which he’s using you.

do you find yourself paying for things, is the relationship equal, are you making his ride easier with little in return.

We need to stop teaching our girls to 'be kind' and ' thoughful' if it's turning them into doormats.

Your BF needs to be back in full time employment until his DC has completed sixth form and probably university.

Save this money for your own retirement or DC.

I think I would if I could. It's not about who has the 'responsibility', it's a kind gift and if can afford it why not? I think it's a great idea.

I don’t see kindness as gendered, but you do you

Are you mad?
Yeah its a great gift, but what happens the next time he hints about being short of cash?
No money for holiday, Op you could just pay, you've got plenty money.
Car needs fixed, the washing machine is dead, etc etc

Op wouldn't be the first person to have lent or given money to a new partner only for when they say No More the relationship is over and they don't see the partner for dust!
And they are off to find another mug to milk dry.

I was worried you were paying the full whack of sixth form fees - which are £60k for my dd as a day student at a top school. You’ve subsequently said £10k which is a very kind gift if you can afford it and you won’t look back on it with regret if the relationship ends shortly.

Both my DC recently moved from different private schools to a state sixth form. The move had nothing to do with finances, but both private schools stated that they were open to reaching a financial arrangement if it was.

Neither DC regrets the decision to move. They kept in touch with their old friends and gained new friends in the process.

They both said there was no discernible difference in the quality of the teaching. They gained extra independence and got access to university outreach and lecture programmes that are not open to private school pupils.

My DD has vowed she will never send her kids private as she’s realised it’s a complete waste of money.

Yanbu, but I'd do it as a loan (with low expectation of payback, but its a principle). I would however do it in writing so I've evidence if BF mucked up.

Dc, or parents could pay it back.

And why not throw in a cruise for the ex wife while you’re at it?!
A private education is a massive indulgence not a necessity. Absolutely do not do it, your children may well have need of that money in the future and may resent you for it.
Life is long and unpredictable. I have been financially very comfortable my whole life. I moved to the US in my fifties and was then diagnosed with a very expensive chronic health problem, even with the best health insurance my bills are phenomenal. My 90 year old mother, who was a bigger saver, is now kindly contributing to them. Please save your money for your children.
furthermore, you say this boyfriend as semi retired, why would he not work for a few more years if he is devastated?

Could he be scamming you?