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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

682 replies

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

OP posts:
Fiarli40 · 11/09/2025 16:38

Imagine then you’ve paid the fees and he wants to leave you but can’t because he feels beholden to you… it kind of gives you a power you probably don’t want … you might always be wondering if he’s only with you for that reason! It makes the relationship uneven I think. Loan by all means but don’t pay it.

Menonut · 11/09/2025 16:52

Feasibly if this is for 2 years only, in 2 years time boyfriend would have stopped paying fees altogether and will have the means to pay you back instead. This would be the only way I would consider it. As a loan.

Also - how much is this going to be a stretch for you? Is it taking all your savings or will you still have a comfortable pot?

WTFsmh12 · 11/09/2025 16:54

Honestly, Look after your own. His children have two very capable parents, you haven’t met his DC3 and they are not your responsibility, they’ve both made it clear they don’t have the money, so unlikely you’d ever be repaid if loaned.

MyspecialMug · 11/09/2025 16:59

The child has a mother, and she might have siblings or parents, likewise your boyfriend, who could help.

If you weren't around, they'd figure it out.

Don't be sucked into feeling like you should, it's your money, you will need it for your future.
Easy to give, hard to get back.

Genevieva · 11/09/2025 17:01

Give your children a leg up on the housing ladder instead. Or set it aside for your future grandchildren. Your loyalties are misplaced.

Animatic · 11/09/2025 17:04

It does depend on your relationship with the man and the child and how easy it would be to part with £40k.
I would pay for a family, e.g. 1st/2nd nephews/nieces if I had a good relationship with parents but not sure re relatively new boyfriends. Although appreciate how unpleasant it might be for him not being able to afford those 2 yrs

9CTdad · 11/09/2025 17:04

Is this a troll post? Unless you are a millionaire why would anyone expect someone else to fund for their child?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/09/2025 17:07

For £10k over two years, personally I think it would be an extraordinarily kind thing to do. For £20k if I've misread that, doubly so. Only you know if this is in any way a stretch for you and I admire the "pay it forward" mentality.

Is the child in question more worthy than another, I don't know. It could be argued you could make a donation to your old school to undoubtedly fund a child in a similar position. However, you have a sort of personal relationship with this child.

You lost me at part retired though assuming it's not for health reasons. For that reason if there is a timing gap I would offer it as a loan in writing while some extra work and income is generated if they are really truly devastated and only £10k off the best part of £35k. This can always be generated when a pension lump sum fully kicks in. Between two parents and two older siblings it's also not a huge sum of money to find when divided into 4.

You can always choose to waive it later but I would wonder how you would feel if part turns into fully retired and the child leaves school anyway through choice or not.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2025 17:08

A fool and their money are easily parted.

zoeb92 · 11/09/2025 17:11

I would say, not your problem. I know it sounds harsh, and you must be very kind hearted, but do they not have any family to help him, like they helped for the other 2? You haven't even met the child. Very kind and thoughtful of you, but don't offer, and if they ask, say no.

Veryxonfused · 11/09/2025 17:14

If I was your child and you had paid for your boyfriends children to go to private school and not me I’d be pretty pissed off

TicklishMintDuck · 11/09/2025 17:19

Moving to a new sixth form will be character building and a step on the way to Uni (if they want to go). If the young person puts the work in, they’ll achieve well anywhere.

CactusPeach · 11/09/2025 17:20

It's not a serious enough relationship to be doing that and tbh considering your own children did not go to a private school I think it's a betrayal of sorts. Surely your own children would appreciate that money to help them in whatever way they need than paying for someone else's education. I especially wouldn't justify it by saying education is a gift because that would also be saying it's a gift you denied your own children.
It comes across like you're trying to buy your boyfriend's love through gratitude.

SweetTalkinWookie · 11/09/2025 17:21

It sounds like your partner needs to stop being semi retired and go back to work to pay school fees.

And you need to put this foolishness out of your head.

user1484264563 · 11/09/2025 17:23

ArghhWhatNext · 10/09/2025 17:36

If you genuinely have the money and are happy to let it go, it’s like a bursary really, isn’t? You need to work out what you’d do if over the next 2 years you were to split up though.

Entirely your choice but no would be the sensible decision: you've not been together very long, don't even live together. BTW, what follows the two years of sixth form is three years of university!! Sit this one out, it's a them problem.

SALaw · 11/09/2025 17:25

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:39

Oh wow! Ok. I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF! Certainly he is devastated.

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations and have objectively better prospects than the privately educated BF DC.

So why the big drama about having to go to state school for sixth form then if it has given your children better prospects than his?!

SALaw · 11/09/2025 17:26

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:44

Ah - ok a couple of things:

  • I would meet the shortfall, not the full fees (but nonetheless £££)
  • My DC are doing great, we don’t need to worry about them.
  • BF has no idea I would consider this

I am really interested by the responses. I had bursaries and grants and support for my schooling so I guess this seems way more normal to me.

Why can’t his child get a bursary or grant then?

GiveDogBone · 11/09/2025 17:45

I mean you can if you want to, but you’ll never see the money again, and I doubt you’d get any gratitude for it.

And plenty of kids are leaving private schools as the fees go up, so being “distraught” is a complete overreaction.

Finally, kids from private schools are often discriminated against for university places in favour of applicants from state schools, so he could easily benefit.

Dandelionsand4leafclover · 11/09/2025 17:45

Absolutely not.

Finteq · 11/09/2025 17:45

Wow

No no no no no.

Seriously ot even sure how you would consider this.

He must have seen you coming.

How would you feel once you've paid for the fees and he broke up with you?

Bartonzam · 11/09/2025 17:49

No no no no and no

Pherian · 11/09/2025 17:56

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

No. Your relationship it’s too short and you have no relationship with the kids. You are a fool if you do this.

Moii · 11/09/2025 18:00

Is there a reason you've never met them. Unless you want to then no way.

Redragtoabull · 11/09/2025 18:00

They, the parents of his DC3, can apply for a Bursary, if the child has been there for years, they school should accept a Bursary application, or if he is extremely talented, they could be granted a scholarship. It's for the parents to work out, definitely not yours. Regardless of whether you have the means to help, they have other ways to get him into 6th form. Do not part with your well earned money.

oldmoaner · 11/09/2025 18:00

I depends. If you got a guarantee from your bf and his ex and a repayment schedule with signatures and witnesses ok but what if you paid then he said it wasn't working out and he was going back to ex wife how would you feel then?
Also why havnt you met his children? Plus your children wouldn't know unless you tell them, it's your money to do with as you please.