To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Grammar was good enough for your kids, why not his?

You say bf is semi retired. Maybe he should work more to pay for their education.

Because Grammar is selective. It’s why one of mine went and the other (very happily) did not

Absolutely not. You’ve barely been with your BF and do not know the child.

I can't understand why the dad is semi retired with a child in school still needing fees to be paid. Sounds like shitty behaviour to me. He needs to look after his kid.

10k? I think a semi-retired man who’s almost put three children through public school could find that if he wanted to. It’s less than a grand a month.

Why can’t your boyfriend un part retire?

has he really done everything he can to find the funds?

i understand and applaud your desire to pass on the benefit you had for your own schooling - but as said this could be genuinely life changing for someone from a disadvantaged background - whereas for your boyfriends son it sounds like a disappointing turn of events that he can come to terms with. And your boyfriend could get work to overcome…

He’s part retired? Well that’s easily resolved then, he goes back to work for two years to pay the fees, job done.

why should your kids lose out on money you could do things for them with (or take them away on holidays, house deposits etc) because someone you’ve been seeing a very short time wants to stay part retired?

Divorce changes people’s circumstances and he’ll have to get off his arse and pay for his own child to go to private 6th form. Maybe that wasn’t part of his longer term plan before divorce but things change.

You're fucking nuts to even consider this.

If you lived together, he could probably save £10k of living costs and be able to afford the shortfall.
In fact I’m a bit surprised he hasn’t suggested it.

No, you are in a relatively new relationship….how many years do you think you would need to do it for…..the parents need to sort this out themselves, stay out of it and don’t raise the subject, save your money for your future children’s education if you intend to have them

Is there a danger he would then stay with you or feel obliged to stay with you just for the money, I’m sure you wouldn’t want that,

Don’t be ridiculous. The lengths that some women will go to for a man continues to astound me.

This 100%.

Sometimes I despair when I read some of these threads

I don't think it's batshit (and MN loves a good private school bashing) BUT it's a bit shitty to pay for someone else's private school if you didn't pay for your kids'.
Also, if you decide to do that, you must have a plan for if/when you break up.

I can't get over all this quoting of "Education is everything" as if its an infallible mantra.

It's as if the option of going to a sixth form college - an institution geared specifically to helping students get their A Levels and qualifications and prepare them for university or future careers - is somehow a disaster for this boy - he's not being sent out to work for a chimney sweep for heavens sake.

He's already had 5 years of private secondary education and most likely private primary too.

Does all that count for nothing if he completes sixth form at a sixth form college? Quite a lot of private school students go to sixth form college.

Do you really believe he is more disadvantaged now than your own children?
Did your own children have crap educations because they didn't go to private school? You say they are doing great... isn't that a good example to give BF?

If his parents can't afford his school fees, they won't be able to afford his gap year (often expected) and certainly not his uni education - even with student loans which are getting larger and more expensive every year.

This all just seems so unlikely.

I like your karma idea. Keep the flow going.

It's insane to consider gifting that sort of sum of money to a short-term boyfriend.

It will be far better for the dc to move school for the start of sixth form than part way through if your relationship ends.

It sounds a lot like the motivation is to improve or otherwise guarantee for boyfriend's affection, and while it's understandable to want that I just don't think it will work out like that. I think gifting an inappropriately huge sum of money is more likely to make the dynamic between you shift and doom the relationship.

My DD’s went to a normal state funded sixth form college and achieved straight A’s and now both at a decent university.

They didn’t need a private school for that;if the kid wants it and works hard then a decent college will do.

Why do you not want to lend it rather than give it ?
You say you think it’s £10k

is that per year or total amount ?

so tops £20k?

i don’t get why bf and ex can’t get a loan /add to their mortgage etc for their last child for £20k

Honestly it’s a no from me unless a loan and properly drawn up

def don’t give

I am paying an ex’s loan now as he isn’t working and won’t work - that is in my name as that’s what you love /marry someone - I am pissed off every day over it

you say you can afford it

I def can’t and begrudge it every month

if you split would you feel annoyed you had lost £20k?

You should just hand over all your money to him while you're at it, sign over the deeds to your house/car, anything you own and then get "I am a mug" tattooed on your forehead.

Agreed.

My uni boyfriend attended a private Scottish secondary school and moved to a state secondary for 6th Yr.

We took our kids out of private and into state for 6tg form. Your bf can do the same. Don’t make him make you feel guilty!

If you have the means to do this without depriving yourself, I would. BUT I would make it a loan and get appropriate paperwork drawn up.
My parents educated all 3 of us privately, planning for it in advance. Luckily they were able to stay married in order to see their plans through.

This! How ridiculous to send your own kids to state school then pay for private school for some random kid you’ve never met. If I was your kids I would probably hate you for this. It’s not even your step kid if you’ve never met them.

Then BF can un-part retire. He can Go back to FT work to put his DC through private school if it’s important to him. As he’s unwilling to do that, then it’s clearly not that important to him.