To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

If you can afford it then why not. It’s only 2 years. Worst case even if you do split up, it’s not a gift for him, it’s a gift to a child. I would do it. Education is the biggest gift you can give to anyone.
My DC are privately educated but we send them to a state primary for Reception and Y1. I am not from the UK so hadn’t quite understood how different the opportunities are in the private sector vs state here. It was eye opening.

If you want to be a benefactor there are probably more deserving children.
This one has had the benefit of private ed up to 16.

If you have £20K + to donate to an unknown child, maybe consider children in care, from deprived homes, etc etc who that money could make a huge difference to in some way if used for education.

I'd not be too happy dating a man who was semi retired but was prepared to see his child lose out on education for the sake of two more years working full time. He doesn't sound much of a catch.

Obviously what you do with your money is up to you. Just remember, that many state schools don't even have 6th form, or where they do, they specialise in a few subjects/types of course. There are massive colleges which exist for children to do sixth form (be that A-levels or other courses).

I guess don't be guilted by your boyfriend's view that this is an awful, devastating situation. He and his child may feel it is, but objectively there's no reason it will be bad for the child or put him at a disadvantage. It's obviously fine for you to pay, but if you don't want to, you won't put the child in a bad situation really. Maybe one he doesn't like, but one many children experience without thinking twice!

Well he'll just need to un part retire

Don't be a mug!

Context matters. If the OP won't miss the money I don't see the big deal with helping out someone she loves.

So they need help for two years? You pay the first year. In January you break up, who pays the second year?

I would be extremely hurt as your DC. And wonder why, if private education was so important, you didn’t choose that for me.

You can have a wonderfully privileged life & still go to state school.

i probably would if I could afford it. It’s very kind oc you to consider it.

Don’t do it if you’ll resent him for it though.

What if he breaks up with you in 6 months? You’ve still got to be ok with him having had the money.

I don't get why everybody's so opposed to this. I'm opposed to private education in principle but on a personal level, I can see that for the DC 3 going nearly all the way through school at a particular school, seeing both elder siblings finish there but then having to leave, split from friends etc. and enter somewhere else completely new and unfamiliar for sixth form would be tough.

People give things to other people all the time. You've said you've got the means to do it - I don't know how comfortably you mean that. If you really wouldn't miss the money, and it would make you happy by helping your DP out and avoiding unhappiness for the kid, why not?

While her BF sits parttime on his ass?

Is Op part retired too?

See if it was someone who was working 2 jobs, no luxuries, running around in a banger. Then maybe just maybe.

But I bet he's not tightening his belt, shopping in Lidl, etc.

How pissed off would Op be if she pays the fees then he rocks up in a new car or announces a holiday?

Well its your money, you can do what you like with it. But there is absolutely no way I'd pay for some bloke's spoilt kid to go to a private school. I could think of a million better things to do with that kind of cash.

I always said “give an inch, they’ll take a mile” but I LOVE your version @DontLikeMahoganyFurniture !!!

OP you’re very kind to think of this child. And I feel very sorry for him/her. But for the love of God, you be mental mate!

I don't understand parents who stretch themselves for school fees. The privilege & opportunities that come from expensive schools are more about parents money & pushing their DC to achieve, rather than the school itself.

If you want to donate, select a program that gives opportunities to under privileged kids.

Your bf has options. He could get a second job, or go back to work full time. So could his exw. Or see if the school has a hardship provision. Or bursary.

The point is if it’s something she feels pulled to help with and she can be indictable afford it then it’s fine. As I said in my earlier post it’s clear that she knows she isn’t obligated and he isn’t pressuring her to do it, it’s something she came up with by herself to pay forward given she was also helped to attend private school.

I also mentioned the risks in my earlier email that depending on how greedy BF is it not it may open the door for future requests or he may be grateful and never bring IK any Mooney request but if she helps it has to be with no expectations or strings attached.

She is under no obligation to help, if she does it’s because she wants to be charitable and pay it forward.

I don’t see how it is putting strangers over her family when she can comfortably afford it and her kids are fine, I saw some posts claiming her children will hate her etc, such absolute rubbish.

@Needspaceforlego maybe he's older than the OP or has a more physically demanding role.

How pissed off would Op be if she pays the fees then he rocks up in a new car or announces a holiday?

Well presumably the OP wouldn't be volunteering if had just taken delivery of a new car.

I can’t believe you are even considering it

NOOOOO!!

I would bet money that he has taken at least one holiday in the past year, and will take several more over the next two years.

As a pp said, it just isn’t credible that he has been paying £120-180k per year (3 children at a “top public school”) for the past decade, but now suddenly can’t rustle up an extra £10k from his savings or investments. Obviously he could, he just doesn’t want to.

I wouldn’t. Because

He’s a new boyfriend, you are committing yourself to support him for twice as long as you’ve been in a relationship for which is oddly pressuring.
Your bf could simply not retire when he has minor dependents. Surely he wouldn’t accept money so he could stop working??
He has 3 dc in private school at the same time but somehow it’s all rotten ole meany Rachel Reeves fault he can’t cover a 20% increase in fees for 2 years for one child.
It’s completely normal to go into state at 16. We aren’t talking about pulling him out in the Easter of y11.
Education is a gift - you are gifting a boy who has already had enormous privilege in order to allow his parents to stop working. You could make a massive difference if you put that money into the most deprived schools in your area instead or funded some charities that work with young people or given a small university bursary to someone who really needs it. You are obviously very wealthy that so much money wouldn’t make a jot of difference to your own dc - maybe look into supporting educational opportunities more broadly or doing something like supporting the imagination library. If it’s private education you really like then you could look at funding a bursary even if it was something relatively low like covering the bus fare or uniform for someone.

"Not your monkeys, not your Zoo."
If you haven't met the children and been directly involved in their care I.E been a stepmother don't cough up, where will this end? Sorry im brutal, don't let him tap you up for anything else either

Agree with this, sounds sadly desperate.

Why would you do that for a child you havnt even met when you didn't for your own?
You may have known each other for a while but you still have only been in a relationship for a year, it would be crazy to gift a child thousands based on this fledgling relationship. Do you really think he would do the same for your DC if the situation was flipped?

Sixth form seems like a perfectly good stage at which to have a change of scene. Going to state school might be a positive thing for the child. Especially if they’re applying to top universities, they might be more likely to get in if applying from a comprehensive school.

It just isn’t your responsibility to pay this.
They could sell their properties/ cars / whatever else if they were really that desperate to pay this fee. They’d find a way. You keep your money for your own DC and potential future grandchildren, who may need it at some point.

If BF and his ex are already stretched, whilst you might initially be covering the gap, I can see the gap growing. It would be easy for them to think it's ok to be a little less stretched, have this emergency or that emergency, if you're there to pick up the difference.

Ridiculous! Keep your money for your own children! You hardly know this man. He should have more self-respect than to be hinting to you as clearly that is what he is doing. His sixth form age child will be absolutely fine and it will prepare them better for university anyway. Have a think about yourself and why you are even considering trying to please or buy this man to such an abnormal extent.